First, I want to thank each and everyone of you for your never ending support. I read each of your responses to my "Vent" thread in detail and took great solace from your comforting words.
Been doing a lot of thinking (this time constructive) since my vent. Met with my PCP, had a great discussion and started on some new meds for the nerves and sleep. Most of all I spent some quality time talking with my PCP, my wife and my son. I may not have all of the answers, but I feel confident I am on the right track.
You see I am a giver by nature. My positive attitude and outlook is and has always been present and real for me. I tend to have an affinity for wanting to help and sometime take others problems on as my own to solve.
As most of you know (I have said it often) my wife has cancer and has been dealing with it for the last 5 years. When I was diagnosed last June she was just three days in the hospital, in ICU and on a ventilator, for a stay that lasted 9 weeks. Many days were 50/50 according to the doctor. So by day I was at the hospital and by night I was doing research on how I was going to attack my problem. It was a busy 9 weeks. By the time Lynn was released I had a plan in place and appointments scheduled. Almost all of it was centered around the fact that I needed to get it taken care of so I could get back to my job of caring for Lynn. We have since had many discussions about
how she felt left out of this process and carried a little guilt for not being there to support me.
There are many positive factors that have come with my association with cancer while living with her's for the last 5 years. Many of those positive factors helped me in dealing, coping and planning treatment for mine.
BUT, THEREIN LIES A GREAT PROBLEM FOR ME.
I HAVE TENDED TO MINIMALIZE AND TRIVIALIZE MY OWN CANCER. I have never given mine the level in personal importance and credence that it deserves. I tend to go from day to day thinking about
the needs of Lynn, my son and everyone else and push my cancer to the curb.
I have not paid attention to my own treatments, the possible side effects, the long term effects from treatment and the mental side of treatment. Been kinda burying it under the surface without really thinking about
I think it finally came to the surface and reared it's head. I am sure that a lot of this was brought on by the fatigue and exhaustion that I seemed to be encountering recently.
So I plan to put this all right and get on the right path. The new meds are helping me sleep and I am feeling rested. The anti stress meds seem to make things a little more palatable and easier to deal with and I am allowing myself to have cancer and place the importance on dealing with it that it deserves.
I have told Lynn and my son that at least 2 days a week I will announce that this is a "SONNY HAS CANCER DAY". For that day I will not worry about
the needs of others. I won't worry about
making the morning coffee, bringing the paper and morning breakfast to the bed for Lynn or expending energy on things that my son deems important for me to attend to. I won't worry about
what the meal plans are for the day or whether the dog gets his walks.
This will be my day of doing the things I need to do for me. I will tend to my physical and mental needs. I won't shut myself off from the family, I could never truly shut down and not think about
them anyway. I will just let them fend for themselves for just a little while on this day. Besides, they need the exercise too.
I never went through any of the so-called stages of finding out you have cancer. Just didn't have the time and then again I tended to compare it to Lynn's, which was as I know now, not a fair comparison for me.
I will still view every day as "A Bonus". I may cherish it a little more. I am still looking forward to traveling and taking the trips in the RV. But I will approach all of this with the knowledge that it is okay for me to know that I also have cancer and it is alright for me to take care of me once in a while.
This may not seem like rocket science for many of you, but it is a revelation for me. I have cancer and it's okay for me to know it and deal with it. Without realizing it many of you said as much in your posts. It took reading many of them over and over for the message to come through. So thank you so much for your words, wisdom, caring and taking the time to send me the message. I GET IT and now I can deal with it.
Thank you my friends,
60 years old when diagnosed
PSA 11/07 3.0
PSA 5/09 6.4
Diagnosis confirmed July 9, 2009
12 Needle Biopsy = 9 clear , 3 postive
Gleason Score (3+4) 7 in all positive cores
da Vinci 9/17/09
Post Surgery Pathology: GS 4+3=7
Tumor Volume 12.5%
positive margin, extra-prostatic extension
30 day PSA 0.4, 50 day psa 0.53, 64 day psa 0.6
IMRT completed 1/15/10 35 treatments- 70Gy
2/24/10 FIRST POST RAD PSA 1.0---CARRRP --waiting for the next test.
3/22/10 Second Post RAD PSA 1.5 Dammmmnnn stubborn son of a gun
4/19/10 YAHOO PSA dropped to 1.2 Moving in the right direction.
5/7/10 PSA test 1.3 Sodium Fluoride PET Scan & CT SCAN -scheduled
5/20/10 PSA test 1.2 Holding off on future tests for 3 months- single lytic lesion found and scheduling radiation.
Post Edited (Sonny3) : 6/7/2010 9:52:00 AM (GMT-6)