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Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 109
   Posted 6/28/2010 4:53 PM (GMT -6)   
It's been a while since I've posted, but I lurk here regularly. As some of you may remember, My wife passed away last year, and I've found that I don't do "alone" well at all. I'm considering putting myself "back on the market" after not having dated as a single man in over 30 years.

A question I want to pose for the single survivors out there that are dating and have significant problems are treatment, most notably ED, is when should one consider telling a potential partner. How does one explain that Willy don't work like he used to unless you jab him with a needle and pump drugs into him?

I've been mulling this over, and frankly, have to admit, I'm terrified, of both getting it into the open, and the fear of rejection afterwards from a lady whom I've taken an interest in. How have you guys handled it?

I seem to be rambling, but even bringing this up her with my PC brothers is difficult for me, I can't imagine doing the same with a date.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Age 48 at diagnosis
3 Jul 08 PSA 27.21
Biopsy positive 3+3=6 on 9 of 24 punches
Bone scan clear
22 Sep 08 Laproscopic Radical Prostatectomy and bilateral pelvic Lymphadenectomy
Gleason 3+4=7 after prostate removal, lymph nodes clear
Stage T2B
PSA at 3 months=undetectable
6 month PSA still 0
14 Sep 09 PSA .014
18 Mar 10 < .014

James C.
Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 4462
   Posted 6/28/2010 5:13 PM (GMT -6)   
I won't guess at a timeline for telling, but I can assure you there's lots of women who will be looking very favorably at a man who can have a rock hard erection whenever he wishes, can keep it for 2 or 3 hours and doesn't have to roll over and sleep after orgasm. The line will form on the left. Combine that with a man who still has his drivers license and can drive at night and you got a winner.. smilewinkgrin devil
James C. Age 63
Gonna Make Myself A Better Man
4/07: PSA 7.6, Recheck after 4 weeks Cipro-6.7
7/07 Biopsy: 3 of 16 PCa, 5% invloved, left lobe, GS3+3=6
9/07: Nerve Sparing open RRP, 110gms, Path Report- Stg. pT2c, 110 gms., margins clear
3 Years: PSA's .04 each test since surgery, ED continues: Bimix- .3ml PRN, Trimix- .15ml PRN

Elite Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 25355
   Posted 6/28/2010 5:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Ralph, you pose an excellent real life situation question. I have never been in your place, and wouldn't know how to respond being that I am still married to same woman for over 36 years. I am so sorry for the loss of your wife, I am sure her vacancy in your life is immense.

Being that I haven't been on a date since early 1974, you got me wondering just what I would do in your situation. Not even sure any more when sex would come up or into a new relationship. Not like any of us are young teenagers on the prowl.

I would think in an honest relationship, when the time was appropriate, the subject could be introduced in the open. Yes there would be risk of rejection, but if the new relationship had any true foundation of trust and love, all things would be possible. You would have to ask yourself a question. If you didn't have ED as a problem and you were dating a nice woman, and you found out at some point that due to some medical condition on her part, that she couldn't participate in what we call "normal" sex, how would you react? Would you still like her and want to be with her? Or would your own personal desire for sex be enough reason to break off the relationship? I think its a fair thing to think about.

Between having PC and dealing with the loss of your wife, you already have a lot of emotional matter on your plate, I wish you only the best solutions in the future..

David in SC
Age: 57, 56 dx, PSA: 7/07 5.8, 7/08 12.3, 9/08 14.5, 10/08 16.3
3rd Biopsy: 9/08 - 7/7 Positive, 40-90% Cancer, Gleason 4+3
Open RP: 11/08, Rht nerves saved, 4 days in hospt, on catheters for 63 days, 5th one out 1/09
Path Rpt: Gleason 3+4, pT2c, 42g, 20% cancer, 1 pos margin
Incontinence:  1 Month     ED:  Non issue at any point post surgery, no problem post SRT
Post Surgery  PSA: 2/09 .05,5/09 .1, 6/09 .11. 8/09 .16
Post SRT PSA: 1/10 .12, 4/8 .04, next one:  July
Latest: 7/9 met 2 rad. oncl, 7/9 cath #6 - blockage, 8/9 2nd corr surgery, 8/9 cath #7 out 38 days, 9/9 - met 3rd rad. oncl., mapped  9/9, 10/1 - 3rd corr. surgery - SP cath/hard dialation, 10/5 - 11/27 IMRT SRT 39 sess/72 gys ,cath #8 33 days, Cath #9 35 days, 12/7 - Cath #10 43 days, 1/19 - Corr Surgery #4,  Caths #11 and #12  same time, 2/8-Cath #11 out - 21 days, 3/2- Cath #12 out - 41 days, 3/2- Corr Surgery #5, 3/6 Cath #13 out - 4 days, Cath #14- 27 days, Cath #15 - 26 days, Cath #16 - 31 days, 5/24 put in Cath #17

Worried Guy
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 3730
   Posted 6/28/2010 5:31 PM (GMT -6)   

This came up a while ago and there were some really good answers - not sure how you find it though. I went to the Breast Cancer site and looked at the situation from the woman's point of view. Very enlightening. The general consensus was that you should bring it up on the second date if you feel the relationship shows promise. Otherwise it is not her business.
Unless you are sniffing after a 23 year old, most women do not need nor want a p*rn star for a partner. They want someone who will be polite, respectful, loving, and fix the faucets, keep the car fluids up to snuff, winterize the lawn mowers, shovel the driveway, update the computer virus software, and do the taxes.
They want to go to a restaurant or movies with a gentleman. They want to discuss their day with someone and share feelings and life events. They want health care benefits and stable income.
They do not want out of shape drug abusers, chauvinists, rudeness, wife beaters, or anyone who engages in self destructive habits.
Note that the possession or lack of equipment does not show up anywhere on the list.
There are a couple of guys here who are dating. I hope they will chime in. Supposedly the girlfriend of one of them does not even know his situation. He shoots up in the bathroom while taking a shower and can perform like a rock star. (Not Keith Richards).

If you satisfy the above requirements you are a better man than 90% of the men with prostates. Eat right, exercise, stay healthy and volunteer at the local NPR station. You'll be driving to the sushi restaurant in her Prius in no time.

Good luck


Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 847
   Posted 6/28/2010 5:36 PM (GMT -6)   
I am also a married guy so this is from a purely theoretical perspective ... :-)

I believe that as soon as it is reasonable do do so, you should tell her. When you are talking about your recent histories, then is the time to say that you that you have been treated for PCa and that has left you with ED. Say something like "It still works but I now need an injection to make it happen" Then you can go into as much detail as she is interested in.

ED is a much bigger deal for us guys than most women. And it's not that you can't do "it" -- you just need a jab. And if a woman walks (or runs!) after you tell her that, you are better off without her -- you wouldn't have been able to keep up with her anyway :-)
Age 63 at diagnosis, now 65.
No symptoms; PSA 5.7; Gleason 4+5=9; cancer in 4 of 12 cores.
Non-nerve-sparing open surgery on 7 March 2008.
Two nights in hospital; catheter out after 7 days.
Continent; no pads needed from the get-go.
Pathology showed organ confined and negative margins. Gleason downgraded to 4+4=8.
6-week : <0.05
7-month: <0.05
13-month: 0.07 (start of a trend?)
19-month: 0.09 (maybe)
25-month: 0.2 (yes, bummer)
27-month: 0.2 (not up; glad about that)
After a learning curve, Bimix injections (0.2ml) worked well. From 14 months, occasional nocturnal erections. At 18 months, "graduated" to just the pump.

Steve n Dallas
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 4818
   Posted 6/29/2010 3:59 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm single and have been mulling this subject over...Am pretty sure I'll know when the right time is.
All my friends that know of my journey keep reminding me that there's more then one way to skin a cat....
Age 55   - 5'11"   215lbs
Overall Heath Condition - Good
PSA - July 2007 & Jan 2008 -> 1.3
Biopsy - 03/04/08 -> Gleason 6 
06/25/08 - Da Vinci robotic laparoscopy
05/14/09  - 4th Quarter PSA -> less then .01
11/20/09 - 18 Month PSA -> less then .01
05/18/10 - 24 Month PSA -> less then .01
Surgeon - Keith A. Waguespack, M.D.

English Alf
Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 2209
   Posted 6/29/2010 5:54 AM (GMT -6)   
My wife and I have been together over 30 years, and I never really dated beofre that anyway so I'm not sure if I can giving dating tips.

But I guess the first date is not the time to mention too much about any deep topic.

A relationship that includes sex will at times be 100% about the sex, at other times it will be 0% about sex.
Now I'm only fifty, but I don't know of any women my age who do not have their own health issues/problems, so I'm guessing single ladies looking for partners of this kind of age or older will also have their own concerns relating to moving the realtionship forward on the basis of health issues relating to their own bodies.
They may also be single because of complex emotional things like a bereavement or a divorce, so, if the basis of a good relationship is communciation then, addressing the problems of ED or hysterectomies, or menopause or bereavement or bad backs or false teeth or incontinence or whatever, should be just as easy to do as talking about your work your hobbies, your children etc.

Yes, talking about such personal matters can be easier in the relative anonymity of this forum, but I have discoverd during the last year that I have also been able to talk very openly to some people about my sex life. (but equally not be able to mention it to others) A person with whom these things can be talked about is a good person to have as a friend if not as a lover.

If the mention of ED or PCa produces a negative reaction, then frankly, they weren't worth it!

Age at Dx 48 No Family history of Prostate Cancer
Married 25 years, and I cannot thank my wife enough for her support.
April 2009: PSA 8.6 DRE: negative. Tumour in 2 out of 12 cores. Gleason 3+3.
RALP (nerve-sparing) at AVL-NKI Hospital Amsterdam on 29th July 2009. Stay 1 night.
Partial erections on while catheter still in. Catheter out on 6th Aug 2009.
Dry at night after catheter came out
Post-op Gleason 3+4. Tumour mainly in left near neck of bladder.
Left Seminal Vesicle invaded, (=T3b!)
no perineraul invasion, no vascular invasion. clear margins,
Erection 100% on 15th Aug 2009, but lots of leaking of urine
Stopped wearing pads on 21st Sept 2009
Pre-op style intercourse on 24th Oct 2009 !! No use of tablets, jabs, VED etc. but...
Nov 17th 2009 PSA = 0.1
Can still get erections okay, and almost no leaking of urine, but since December 2009 I don't have orgasms, instead I just have intense pain in place where prostate used to be.
Mar 17th 2010 PSA = 0.4!!! referred to radiation therapist
April 13th 2010 CT scan.
April 28th 2010 Started Radiation Therapy (66Gy - 33 sessions)
June 11th 2010 finished RT - main side effect tiredness, but also the occasional small leak

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3149
   Posted 6/29/2010 6:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey just a thought, there must be women out there whom have some female or woman issues, that do not feel whole or as sexy as they could be, too. Presumeably it would make it an easier theory...of course we all have learned the hard way about the boy-girl theories probably when growing up. Maybe watch Mel Gibsons movie thing...'What a Woman Wants' or whatever the title was, he could read there minds, well maybe as an inspiration thing to get you out there trying, anyway. Don't play hard to get (lol) you may not have the luxury at this age.

Probably like sales, alot of no's, a few tell me mores, and then a sale! It is a number of sales calls needed to get there, just have to look past rejection. As mentioned you can explain those details maybe after a 2nd date or later down the road. Of course I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express (last night) like the T.V. ads (LOL)!!! All theory from me. Hope alls well that ends well. Probably women have the same fantasies men do, we all want "10's"  flocking (great choice of word or what)  us all over, like white on rice (yada..yada), this is why they invented alcohol to repair vision to make this happen in real world, real time. smilewinkgrin

Youth is wasted on the Young-(W.C. Fields)

Post Edited (zufus) : 6/29/2010 6:39:14 AM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 966
   Posted 6/29/2010 6:54 AM (GMT -6)   
The biggest issue I think is more of the embarrassment and possible rejection. The two elements are often a result of the other one. Take for example, my wife (we married about six years ago) had extreme difficulty in bringing up the subject of a female problem that had her worried and scared that it would change my mind about marriage and being intimate with her. All I can say was the way that I responded when the subject come up, made all the difference in her feelings and emotions that she was going through. It's real easy to see when it is coming from the other side, than it is from our side.

So in short, as you bring up the subject, just start with small amounts of information at first to see how she is going to respond. There is no sense in telling the whole story if she isn't going to ease your fears and worries up front or even make an attempt. That way you don't give too much information and overwhelm her. Just start with I had prostate cancer....Believe me they know what it is and what the side effects are...and if they want to know more about your particular situation they will ask and put you at ease talking about it.

Best of is tough out in the dating world...not the same as it was when we were younger
You are beating back cancer, so hold your head up with dignity
Age 58 at Diagnosis
Oct 2006 - PSA 2.6 - DRE Normal
May 2008 - PSA 4.6 - DRE Normal / TRUS normal
July 2008 - Biopsy 4 of 12 Positive 5 - 30% Involved Bilateral w/PNI - Gleason (3+3)6 Stage T1C
Robotic Surgery Sept 18, 2008
Pathology October 1, 2008 - Gleason 7 (3+4) Staged pT2c NO MX - Gland 50 cc
Seminal Vesicles and Lymph Nodes clear
Positive Margins Right Posterior Lobe
PSA 5 week Oct 2008 <.05
                   3 month Jan 2009     .06
                   6 month Apr 2009     .06
                   9 month Jul  2009     .08
                 12 month Oct 2009     .09 
                 18 month April 2010   .19

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1131
   Posted 6/29/2010 1:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Ralph, happy to hear from you and know you are coping these days. I too am single and suffer from what do I say and when.
Age 48 at diagnosis
occupation accountant
PSA increased from 2.6 to 3.5 in one year
biopsy march 2008 - cancer present gleason 7
Robotic Surgery May 9, 2008 - houston, tx
Pathology report -gleason 8, clear margins
22 month  PSA <.04
continent at 10 weeks (no pads!)
ED is still an issue

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 118
   Posted 6/29/2010 6:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Ralph,

You're making an assumption Ms Right is interested in you for one thing above all. That may not be the case. After my wife hit menopause at age 55, that was it for me. Sex caused her so much discomfort, she just didn't want it, and this was a year before the PC! We still have the same loving relationship we have always had, she is still my best friend, and she tried really hard not to laugh when the uro said he was taking my nerve bundles and it would be a long time before I might be erect. Trust me, if she's really Miss Right, there's more to a solid relationship than an erection.

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 103
   Posted 6/29/2010 9:15 PM (GMT -6)   

Some will, some won't, so what.... next

My way of handling this situation, which is rapidly approaching, is simple and direct.

I will say,"I'm going to tell you something that might make you uncomfortable....

If it is a deal killer I will move on. There are thousands of quality women in the city I live in. There is bound to be a number of them that will find me perfectly suitable for them.

I'm dating two different girls right now and I like both of them. My biggest problem right now is if both of them don't care. I think odds are very high that one of them won't.

When I have the conversation I will find this thread again and let you know what happened.

Age 40
Pre-op PSA was 5.8 from wellness test on May 19, 09
Follow up test from uro was 4.6 with a 9.3% free psa
Gleason 3+3 in one core, 3+4 in second core of 12 samples taken
Surgery performed August 19th, 09.
One side nerves spared. Nerve graft on other side.
Six weeks incontinence almost over. ED a work in progress but seeing some response.
4 months no longer using pads. ED using trimix with positive response.
Post op October 2nd, 2009 All margins were negative. PSA results in a few days.
Post op pathology 3+4 PT2A NOMO
6 wk PSA .004
3 month PSA .003 12-18-09
6 month PSA .003 3-17-10

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 109
   Posted 6/29/2010 9:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for all the replies guys, you've given me a lot to mull over. The first date is Friday night and I'm one nervous puppy. Don't know if I could get wood even if the equipment worked :) I see that all the responses were by men and I know a lot of wives/significant others inhabit this forum. I would really be interested in their take on the subject too, thought I suspect they'll echo what has already been said.

One point in my favor I think is my date is an RN, so if things pan out, she may be more understanding/accepting than one who wasn't in the medical field, but I could be wrong there too. I've made a habit of being wrong so many times, it seems normal now, lol


Age 48 at diagnosis
3 Jul 08 PSA 27.21
Biopsy positive 3+3=6 on 9 of 24 punches
Bone scan clear
22 Sep 08 Laproscopic Radical Prostatectomy and bilateral pelvic Lymphadenectomy
Gleason 3+4=7 after prostate removal, lymph nodes clear
Stage T2B
PSA at 3 months=undetectable
6 month PSA still 0
14 Sep 09 PSA .014
18 Mar 10 < .014

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