Jealousy-- character flaw.

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compiler
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 7269
   Posted 2/21/2011 2:32 PM (GMT -6)   
I hate to admit this, but maybe others find the same experience.
 
My pathology has not been good. PSA rising after RP., etc. etc.
 
Lately, I've noticed that I kind of gloss over those posts where people are doing well. This is a support group and I should be posting "way-to-go" posts.
 
Sadly, I find myself on the jealous side. I remember this happening to me when I first got my pathology report, then those feelings subsided, and now they are back as I get closer to my next PSA.
 
This will subside, too, but I am not pleased with myself.
 
Just a character flaw, as far as I am concerned!
 
Mel
PSA-- 3/08--2.90; 8/09--4.01; 11/09--4.19 (PSAf: 24%), PCA3 =75 .
Biopsy 11/30/09. Gleason 4+3. Stage: T1C. Current Age: 64
Surgery: Dr. Menon @Ford Hospital, 1/26/10.
Pathology Report: G 4+3. Nodes: Clear. PNI: yes. SVI: No. EPE: yes. Pos. Margin: Yes-- focal-- 1 spot .5mm. 100% continent by 3/10. ED- in progress. PSA on 3/10/10-: 0.01. PSA on 6/21/10--0.02. 9/21/10--0.06; 1/4/11-0.13 CRAP!

Purgatory
Elite Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 25393
   Posted 2/21/2011 2:45 PM (GMT -6)   
I can honestly say I am the opposite. I truly rejoice with those here that have nice, clean, PC journeys, and appear to be cured, or have little dealings with ED and/or incontinence.

The way I see it, we are each dealt our own cards in life. Nothing is going to change that part. Perhaps a bit fatalistic view, but things are kind of "black and white" with me, don't see a lot of gray.

Since I have been here, I cheer for the good news, weep with the bad, and try to encourage anyone in need. But never jealous, just thankful that to some brothers here, PC is just a blip in their lives, not a full time occupation.

David in SC
Age: 58, 56 dx, PSA: 7/07 5.8, 10/08 16.3
3rd Biopsy: 9/08 7 of 7 Positive, 40-90%, Gleason 4+3
open RP: 11/08, on catheters for 101 days
Path Rpt: Gleason 3+4, pT2c, 42g, 20% cancer, 1 pos marg
Incont & ED: None
Post Surgery PSA: 2/09 .05,5/09 .1, 6/09 .11. 8/09 .16
Post SRT PSA: 1/10 .12, 4/8 .04, 8/6 .06 11/10 Not taking it
Latest: 6 Corr Surgeries to Bladder Neck, SP Catheter since 10/1/9, SRT 39 Sess/72 gy ended 11/09, 21 Catheters, Ileal Conduit Surgery 9/23/10

clocknut
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 2680
   Posted 2/21/2011 3:01 PM (GMT -6)   

I don't think your reaction indicates any sort of character flaw, Mel.  It sounds like human nature to me.  It's not as if you wish those other guys were faring worse; you just wish you were doing better yourself, and their condition reminds you that you aren't where you'd like to be.

I remember after my mother died, I felt a pang every time I saw other women her age who were still healthy and enjoying their grandchildren.  Like you, I was uncomfortable with that feeling, and I gradually stopped feeling that way, but for a period of time I was definitely resentful that God had called her home while other families still had their mothers/grandmothers around. 

Here on HW, I hurt when I read the comments of guys and families who are struggling or undergoing setbacks, and feel joy when I read of successes.  I think of us as all as being in this fight together.  I just wish we could all be successful all the time.

 



60Michael
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 2243
   Posted 2/21/2011 3:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Mel,
Not sure that you have to be that hard on yourself. When we recognize something we would like to change, then set about to change it. Somehow I think celebrating the success of others will also benefit me, perhaps only in the sense that it makes me a better person.
Michael
Dx with PCA 12/08 2 out of 12 cores positive 4.5 psa
59 yo when diagnosed, 61 yo 2010
Robotic surgery 5/09
Gleason upgraded to 3+5, volume less than 10%
2 pads per day, 1 depends but getting better,
started ED tx 7/17, slow go
Post op dx of neuropathy
T2C left lateral and left posterior margins involved
3 months psa.01, 6 month psa.4
Started IMRT Jan. 2010 72gys
7month post SRT PSA .2

compiler
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 7269
   Posted 2/21/2011 4:01 PM (GMT -6)   
David:
 
Yes, I commend you for being so supportive despite devastating personal setbacks with this disease and its complications.
 
I am usually that way, but then I get in a funk as I've stated.
 
Mel

Sephie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 1804
   Posted 2/21/2011 5:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Mel, your post made me very sad...not because I saw a flaw in your character but because I saw a human being who had the guts to "confess"his weakness. No one among is perfect, and I imagine that in some shape or form, many of us have experienced envy towards our fellow man (and woman). Don't beat yourself up too much over this - we are not perfect creatures and the fact that you admitted your "flaw" publicly proves that you are the better person.

You are going through a tough time right now. You're entitled to a small pity party now and then...just as long as you don't go on a binge (LOL)!

Chin up, Mel...you're doing fine.

tatt2man
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2845
   Posted 2/21/2011 5:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Mel - or is that Lem backwards - when is a fault a flaw or just self-analysis of what you think "should be"....
- we are all human characters who's actions and reactions are not set in stone - often subject to our own personal demons and angels doing battle from within....
- don't beat yourself up over it - you have been through enough recently ... and keep in mind, some joint and back problems can be aggrevated by stress...

- keep breathing...

hugs,
BRONSON
Age: 55 - gay with spouse of 14 years, Steve
location: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
PSA: 10/06/09 - 3.86
Biopsy: 10/16/09- 6 of 12 cancerous samples, Gleason 7 (4+3)
Radical Prostatectomy: 11/18/09
Pathology: pT3a -Gleason 7 -extraprostatic extension -perineural invasion -prostate weight -34.1 gm
PSA: 04/08/10 -0.05 -Zero Club
PSA: 09/23/10 -0.05 -Zero Club
PSA: 03/24/11 - TBA

Purgatory
Elite Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 25393
   Posted 2/21/2011 6:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Mel,

I assure you, that I have my "dark nights of despair" over this cruel cancer, trust me. But I try hard never to take it out on any one else, either in my "real life" or here. There are times I just want to give it all up just to make it easier on the rest of my gang, but its not my style to be that way.

I have read details of other men's PC journeys, that make what I have been through look tame. Things can always be better of course, but they can also be much worse. As they say, be careful for what you wish for.

When I was under 25 years of age, I led a really reckless and daring life, I probably stood more chance of being killed back then then I do of dying now. Couldn't even begin to count how many times I cheated death back then and got away with it.

In the end, I think all things even themselves out.

David
Age: 58, 56 dx, PSA: 7/07 5.8, 10/08 16.3
3rd Biopsy: 9/08 7 of 7 Positive, 40-90%, Gleason 4+3
open RP: 11/08, on catheters for 101 days
Path Rpt: Gleason 3+4, pT2c, 42g, 20% cancer, 1 pos marg
Incont & ED: None
Post Surgery PSA: 2/09 .05,5/09 .1, 6/09 .11. 8/09 .16
Post SRT PSA: 1/10 .12, 4/8 .04, 8/6 .06 11/10 Not taking it
Latest: 6 Corr Surgeries to Bladder Neck, SP Catheter since 10/1/9, SRT 39 Sess/72 gy ended 11/09, 21 Catheters, Ileal Conduit Surgery 9/23/10

James C.
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 4463
   Posted 2/21/2011 6:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Mel, that's not a flaw, it's just part of the human condition. Don't beat yourself up about something we all experience.
James C. Age 63
Gonna Make Myself A Better Man tinyurl.com/28e8qcg
4/07: PSA 7.6, 7/07 Biopsy: 3 of 16 PCa, 5% involved, left lobe, GS6
9/07: Nerve Sparing open RP, Path: pT2c, 110 gms., clear except:
Probable microscopic involvement-left apical margin -GS6
3 Years: PSA's .04 each test until 04/10-.06, 09/10-.09, 12/10-.09, 02/11-.08
ED-total-Bimix 30cc

Cajun Jeff
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 4119
   Posted 2/21/2011 6:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Mel, Your OK buddy. It is human nature to think why me and how can this one do so well and not me. Why Why Why.

Many have been on that road. At this point I am greatfull for where I am and I pray that each of my brother can walk in my footsteps. Feeling well and on the road to recovery.

You have been a trusted poster. There are many post that I dont have replys to any longer but I try to offer my support.

Cajun Jeff
9/08 PSA 5.4 referred to Urologist
9/08 Biopsy: GS 3+4=7 1 positive core in 12 1% cancer core
10/08 Nerve-Sparing open radicalSurgery Path Report Downgrade 3+3=6 GS Stage pT2c margins clea
r3 month: PSA <0.1
19th month: PSA <0.1
2 year PSA <0.1
Only issue at this time is ED but getting better

mikey1955
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 673
   Posted 2/21/2011 6:45 PM (GMT -6)   
 Mel said...Lately, I've noticed that I kind of gloss over those posts where people are doing well. This is a support group and I should be posting "way-to-go" posts.
 
Sadly, I find myself on the jealous side. I remember this happening to me when I first got my pathology report, then those feelings subsided, and now they are back as I get closer to my next PSA.
 
_____________________________________
 
Mel,
 
I'm on the better side and doing great. Some of us do. The rest of us maybe has moved on IMHO . I suspect they are in the majority and have either moved on or just never posted here...or don't wish to.
 
Yes, I am hesitant to post that I am doing good most times...exactly because of posts such as yours. That is not a slam in any way. I wish you the best of luck...and all others.
 
Some of us are doing well.  And, no one should be shy of posting that. With all the problems many are having, I think a couple of successes (so far) should be celebrated.
 
Mel, I have a character flaw also...I'm now always positive, regardless.
 
Mike

Post Edited (mikey1955) : 2/21/2011 4:48:16 PM (GMT-7)


compiler
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 7269
   Posted 2/21/2011 6:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Oddly enough, I've never had the "why me" emotion.
 
It happens.
 
I think what really ticked me off in that category was the fact that I had dutifully had annual physicals and they included PSA tests. One would think that as a result I would have caught it early. Apparently not.
 
Mel

compiler
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 7269
   Posted 2/21/2011 6:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Mikey:
 
Oh, I ABSOLUTELY AGREE. Especially, new folks need to see that many do well.
 
I certainly would not want this post to put a damper on any of that!
 
I was hesitant to post this thread, but it is just one of the honest emotions pertaining to this disease. Also, I don't normally feels this way. Just every so often.
 
Mel

Purgatory
Elite Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 25393
   Posted 2/21/2011 10:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Mel - displaying honest feelings, postive or negative, adds credibility to HW, as we all knows - its not all sunshine and roses, there is no such thing as an easy cancer trip, and for us PC guys, there are a lot of uncertanties along the way.

I wish my GP had sent me to a Uro before I crossed the 4.0 PSA mark, but he was just doing his job as a GP, and went by the chart that shows 4.0 as worry time. I use to resent fact, but in reality, it was just one more mark on a blood test order. He couldn't have known what was going on inside my prostate.

David
Age: 58, 56 dx, PSA: 7/07 5.8, 10/08 16.3
3rd Biopsy: 9/08 7 of 7 Positive, 40-90%, Gleason 4+3
open RP: 11/08, on catheters for 101 days
Path Rpt: Gleason 3+4, pT2c, 42g, 20% cancer, 1 pos marg
Incont & ED: None
Post Surgery PSA: 2/09 .05,5/09 .1, 6/09 .11. 8/09 .16
Post SRT PSA: 1/10 .12, 4/8 .04, 8/6 .06 11/10 Not taking it
Latest: 6 Corr Surgeries to Bladder Neck, SP Catheter since 10/1/9, SRT 39 Sess/72 gy ended 11/09, 21 Catheters, Ileal Conduit Surgery 9/23/10

NEIrish
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 245
   Posted 2/22/2011 10:31 AM (GMT -6)   
I felt a small pang of jealousy lately from a recent post. It doesn't stop me from caring about others, so I recognized it for what it was and told myself to snap out of it. Also reminded myself we really don't know what others are going through and that my husband and I have much to rejoice about. I think you're a doll to have shared that resentful moment and want to be a better person as a result! Wishing you all the best...
Husband 60yrs., no symptms: PSA 10/04 2.73, 12/06 3.64, 5/09 3.9, 10/09 4.6, 1/10 5.0w/ free PSA 24
6 core biop 4/1/10 path rept: rt mid: adnocarc. G=3+3, 5% of core; R apx v. susp. minute ca, R base bnign w/ mod. atrophy, L side atrphy only; 2nd opnion JH confrmd
MRI - 15mm nodule
BiLatRP surg 7/6/10, path: T2c, nodes, sem.ves, extra caps. neg., adenoc both sides G=3+3 cntinent, Viagr-8/27 ED

JoeFL
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 420
   Posted 2/22/2011 12:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Mel,

You have mis-diagnosed the feelings you have shared. It's not a character flaw. It's called honesty. Don't be afraid to spread it around.
Regards,

Joe
Age 68 PSA 4.5 Biopsy 9/4/09 Bostwick Labs 5 of 8 sections (5 of 11 cores) positive-Gleason 3+3=6 Stage T1
BT on 12/11/09 (84 seeds of Palladium 103) Home same day/no catheter. Some burning, frequency, urgency for 6 weeks. No incontinence, mild ED. Normal activity within 3 days. 25 IGRT sessions ending 3/22/10 - some fatigue until 30 days after last treatment. PSA as of 12/9/10 - 0.1

GTOdave
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 2/22/2011 1:09 PM (GMT -6)   
This post, right here, is why I find this discussion board/support group so compelling.

There are genuinely good people here dispensing help, advice, support and humor. I for one am a far better educated patient now than I ever expected to be.

I could point out about 2 dozen members whose inspiration has touched me greatly. Since that's too many, Tony C and Bronson get the official salute.

God bless you all!

Dave
52 yr old, PSA 3.5, Gleason 6 with 3 of 4 top nodes (0%;1%;10%;1%) cancerous. Bottom 2 floors are clean.

DaVinci prostatectomy scheduled for March 4 at Yale. Lets hope attempt 2 at this goes better than my first try.

Jerry L.
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 3072
   Posted 2/22/2011 1:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Mel,
 
I was going to reply sooner, but I was a bit jealous of your stats.  smilewinkgrin    Everything is relative.
 
(btw-I couldn't find the jealous emoticon)
 
Trust me, more people have this same emotion at times than you'd think.  I have to admit it myself just the other day...someone who was essentially cured was talking about how the surgery has changed his sex life.  My first thought was, if only I had problems with my sex life.
 
However, people have different needs at different parts of their journey.
 
I have always appreciated your posts in the pasts and I look forward to your future posts.
 
Hang in there,
Jerry L.
Nov. 2009 Dx at Age 44
Dec. 2009 DaVinci Robotic Surgery
Jan. 2010 T3b, Gleason 9
Feb. 2010 Adjuvant Radiation

PSA History:
-----------------
Nov. 2009 4.30
Feb. 2010 <.05
May 2010 <.05
Aug. 2010 <.05
Nov. 2010 <.05

jacketch
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 179
   Posted 2/22/2011 2:17 PM (GMT -6)   
I can easily understand Mel's feelings.

For myself, I sometimes feel guilty for having done so well. That I don't understand.
63 yo
V10.46 Dx Feb-09

RRP 5-5-09

No adverse SE

PSA still zero.


Thriving, not just surviving!

MrGimpy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 504
   Posted 2/22/2011 4:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Mel,

In my opinion jealousy is a side effect of loneliness or a lack of feeling of fulfillment and self worth

For example I am perfectly content ,, but if I get bored and pick up a copy of Fortune 500 sadly I find I am not even close to being on the list feelings of jelousy sneak in, why them not me for sure

So...Find happiness within ones self

start a new hobby

Also note that no matter how bad it is the view is always better from the grass side than for the root side. There are those who battled PC and are not able to post here because they have lost the battle

An38
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1152
   Posted 2/23/2011 5:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Mel,

I think what you are describing is exactly human nature.

Let me explain - we are all at this website because we have been affected in someway by prostate cancer. There are hundreds of sites on the internet talking about other more pleasent topics but we are here because we want to hang around people who understand us, can teach us something etc.

When my husband had surgery in august i spent most of my time here posting on the August surgery thread, not because i did not care anout the rest of the people here but because thats where i felt the most able to give and take support at the time.

You have had a short run of unfavourable news so you are going instinctively to those posts that mirror your situation. Don't worry about it, it's natural. It doesn't have to be an indication of jealousy or lack of support of those more fortunate.

Regards
An
Husband's age: 52. Sydney Australia.
Family history: Mat. grandfather died of PC at 72. Mat. uncle died of PC at 60. He has hereditary PC.
PSA: Aug07 - 2.5|Feb08 - 1.7|Oct09 - 3.67 (free PSA 27%)|Feb10 - 4.03 (free PSA 31%) |Jun10 - 2.69. DRE normal.
Biopsy 28Apr10: negative for a diagnosis of PC however 3 focal ASAPs “atypical, suspicious but not diagnostic” for PC. Review of biopsy by experienced pathologist, 1/12 core: 10% 3+3 (left transitional), 1/12 core: ASAP (left apex)
Nerve sparing RP, 20Aug10 with Dr Stricker. Post-op path: 3+4 (ISUP 2005). Neg (margins, seminal vesicles, extraprostatic extension). Multifocal, with main involvement in the fibro-muscular zone. T2C.
Post RP PSA,
Lab 1: Sep10 – 0.02|Nov10 – 0.03|Dec10 – 0.03
Lab 2: Nov 10 - 0.01|Dec10 – 0.01

SB3
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 2/23/2011 6:00 PM (GMT -6)   
So this is my first post. 66 year old Polio Survivor diagnosed with PC in October 2010 and had RP 6 weeks ago. Just got my PSA as undetectable. Mission accomplished? There seem to be so many more ongoing issues to deal with and having found this forum to read and learn has been invaluable.
 
Mel, my prayers are with you as I hope yours are with me. This is a Support Group. We need to communicate  openly and specifically regardless. It is the open honesty that gives us a chance to hear ourselves and realize that "yes, it is me that I am talking about" and not some other person fighting that battle.
 
I was stricken with Polio when I was 9 months old (1945). I have spent 66 years looking in the mirro and it was easy to say "why me". The fact is it was me and I had to learn how to live with it. I was the lucky one. I didn't have to go to Viet Nam. I had a great family and support group. Now I have a wife of 42 years, 3 children and 3 grandchildren and I want to keep on enjoying them.
 
I hate the pads. I hate the incontency. I wish I could feel some twinge of hope that an erection might once again be a part of my life but truthfully that even seems selfish.
 
I would like to be a part of your forum. I would like to share with all of you. I hope my ramblings don't seem trite. Thanks for letting me in for a while.
 
SB3 in Albuquerque

Purgatory
Elite Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 25393
   Posted 2/23/2011 6:03 PM (GMT -6)   
We welcome you here among us, SB3. You have quite a testimony and journey your self. Just keep us posted and keep on joining in when you feel like it.

David in SC
Age: 58, 56 dx, PSA: 7/07 5.8, 10/08 16.3
3rd Biopsy: 9/08 7 of 7 Positive, 40-90%, Gleason 4+3
open RP: 11/08, on catheters for 101 days
Path Rpt: Gleason 3+4, pT2c, 42g, 20% cancer, 1 pos marg
Incont & ED: None
Post Surgery PSA: 2/09 .05,5/09 .1, 6/09 .11. 8/09 .16
Post SRT PSA: 1/10 .12, 4/8 .04, 8/6 .06 11/10 Not taking it
Latest: 6 Corr Surgeries to Bladder Neck, SP Catheter since 10/1/9, SRT 39 Sess/72 gy ended 11/09, 21 Catheters, Ileal Conduit Surgery 9/23/10

SB3
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 2/23/2011 6:27 PM (GMT -6)   
 
David, feels like my first day at school and I am the new kid in the neighborhood. When I found this site over the weekend I could not quite reading all of the interesting and often entertaining dialogue. I am looking forward to participating and thanks for the welcome.
 
SB3

Purgatory
Elite Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 25393
   Posted 2/23/2011 6:31 PM (GMT -6)   
SB,

We are always glad to welcome new friends here, even if it means having to have PC to do so. But the brotherhood and sisterhood here, is very real.
David
Age: 58, 56 dx, PSA: 7/07 5.8, 10/08 16.3
3rd Biopsy: 9/08 7 of 7 Positive, 40-90%, Gleason 4+3
open RP: 11/08, on catheters for 101 days
Path Rpt: Gleason 3+4, pT2c, 42g, 20% cancer, 1 pos marg
Incont & ED: None
Post Surgery PSA: 2/09 .05,5/09 .1, 6/09 .11. 8/09 .16
Post SRT PSA: 1/10 .12, 4/8 .04, 8/6 .06 11/10 Not taking it
Latest: 6 Corr Surgeries to Bladder Neck, SP Catheter since 10/1/9, SRT 39 Sess/72 gy ended 11/09, 21 Catheters, Ileal Conduit Surgery 9/23/10
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