I am not sure that I would call it the normal PSA test anixety that we speak about often here, but as we are in the weekend now, I can't stop thinking about meeting with my Uro on Monday afternoon. The main reason for the visit is a close-out session on my September surgery, which for those interested, I have physically healed as much as I can hope for, the rest of it is continual Physical Therapy, probably for several more months, and getting my mind to understand that I will always have this urinary stoma. Sometimes, I do get deeply depressed about it, and can almost pretend its going to be reversed, but in reality, that's never going to happen.
The secondary subject, of course, is the PSA reading. Instead of the normal 3 month gap, this one was 6 months from the last one. My doctor didnt agree with my thinking, but went with my wishes on the delay. It's not that I am afraid it will be a bad number, another increase or even a sharp increase, both my doctor and I expect it to be one or the other. And I would love for us both to be fooled, pleasantly, and have a drop or hold-it-steady kind of number, that would be awesome.
Assuming it has jumped up, or up steeply, it will me that the SRT has failed (in 15 months time), and that I will be out of any possibilty of a cure. I know there are several of you here already in that situation. Again, my brain has known this might be coming, but if it is here, not sure I am fully ready to deal with it. The norm is to move on to the arsenal of HT, and see how long things can last like that. But without getting into that subject on this post, I still have strong feelings of not going down that pathway.
Monday could be a pivotal point for me, and I have said all along in my journey, that until I actually had to cross that bridge, its easy to say what you would or wouldn't do. I may be crossing that bridge.
Thursday, when I see my GP, which has nothing to do with PC, I may consent after a 5 years abscence, and go back on some kind of antidepressent. At least until I can sort things out. I am still fighting my own demons in this battle, I know we all do in our own way. I didnt realize how traumatized I really was about all that radiation damage, until about a month ago when I had to return to the radiation clinic . I almost couldnt walk into the place, and seeing the treatment rooms upset me enough, along with the electrical smell in the place, almost flew out of the doors without the records.
To me, it represented a place of extreme pain and terror, even 15 months later.
In closing, we all have our own fears to face, and to deal with. None of us are exempt from being human.
David in SC