You are in very good company. I've talked to dozens of men who experience the same thing. For most guys, it's the train wreck in their brain - simply watching their performance way too much. The other reality is that our 'margin of error' is way narrower than it used to be. Stressors such as fatigue, daily life, worry, distraction, hormones, inspiration used to have a much more limited effect on erections. Now, they have a much greater effect.
Also, when **********, you are using minimal blood flow. During sex, you have probably been exerting yourself more. Exertion for sex can also divert blood and affect blood pressure. Before surgery, these things did not matter so much.
I always tell the men I work with, in your age group, to give themselves a year of taking PIV sex off the table. If it happens, great, but the couple should go into each session anticipating that intercourse will not take place. It is simply intimate time and you help each other take care of needs and have fun. Just this mindset takes any pressure to 'perform' (god I hate that word) out of the experience. Hence, the reduced expectations often produce better physical responses for the men.
So glad you talk to your wife. Many men need heightened stimulation both physically and mentally than before. Something as simple as different positions can help. Other coupless find that sex toys, videos, and dressing up can be a huge boost. You might take this time to really explore both of your newfound sexual reality together. Those ideas you never thought you would tell your wife may be just what is needed now. Have fun.
Many men find that while the sex is completely different, they have a far better love life than before surgery. Don't try to get back what you had. It often leads to frustration. Think of taking what you have and explore.
Founder, Erectile Dysfunction Foundation and creator of www.franktalk.org
The site for erectile dysfunction.
46 at Diagnosis.
Davinci at 47.