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davidg
Veteran Member
Joined : Feb 2011
Posts : 4093
Posted 5/18/2011 12:58 PM (GMT -8)
So 8 months ago I felt invincible.

Now, after getting Prostate Cancer I feel like I am on the verge of getting it everywhere.

I see that touching ad about Melanoma and I start to bug out thinking of all the sunburns since early childhood on Italian beaches when sunscreen wasn't even considered. I see TC post about pancreatic and liver cancer and automatically think that I need to go follow up on my liver tests from pre-surgery and on how to check for prostate cancer before it's too late.

I feel like I am shell shocked. I was a worrier to begin with, another genetic trait alongside PCa, and now feel that I cannot handle all that I am worrying about. I react almost viciously to anyone introducing other added stress to my life because I already feel like I have so much of it.

Anyone else experience this now or post surgery/treatment? Is it just post traumatic stress? Is there any rational reason for me to feel like a target for bad news? I'm not disabled by it but I often think that it'll be a heart attack ( another genetic trait I have ) that will kill me and not PCa.

When do I get to relax? (without meds )
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clocknut
Veteran Member
Joined : Sep 2010
Posts : 2890
Posted 5/18/2011 1:10 PM (GMT -8)

Davidg, I feel some of what you're describing, but I think that being 26 years your senior allows me to be a bit less fretful, and a little more philosophical about it. 

I can only imagine what it's like to receive a cancer diagnosis at age 40.  I still felt "young" at 40!  My son would have been 15 and my daughter 11.  And now we 've seen a new person on the site at just 36 years old.  Part of being young, though, is the ability to adapt to adversity, and I hope that as time passes you'll be able to let all of this become a much smaller part of your consciousness.

I hope we all live on into our 80's and see our grandchildren's children.

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reachout
Veteran Member
Joined : May 2009
Posts : 744
Posted 5/18/2011 1:12 PM (GMT -8)
David

I understand where you're coming from. It's been 18 months for me, and I felt invincible both before the diagnosis and after the surgery. Now that I've been reminded that it's not over until it's over, the feelings and anxiety you mention returned.

But over the last month or so I've begun to see a change in my mindset. You know that line from Animal House, "fat, dumb, and stupid is no way to go through life." In some ways that's how I was before my PC diagnosis. I was invincible, and it didn't matter what I did or didn't do every day. I had an infinite number of tomorrows, so I could do whatever I wanted to and if I made a mistake, offended someone, screwed up, it didn't matter, I always had tomorrow.

Since my diagnosis, and especially since my PSA bumped up, I'm much more aware that every day is a gift and I will never get that day back, so I have to make the best use of it that I can. I'm also more aware of my own mortality, aside from PC. Even if I was totally healthy, I would still have no more than 20 or 30 years left at the max. That's a small percent of how long I've lived, and even if I was 40 and lived to 100 that's nothing in comparison with eternity.

I don't want to go spiritual, since that's not the purpose of this board, but suffice it to say that I've gotten much closer to my faith and the spiritual lessons I was taught as a child. They were all true.
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Ziggy9
Veteran Member
Joined : Jul 2008
Posts : 988
Posted 5/18/2011 1:19 PM (GMT -8)
It's simply realizing and accepting of ones mortality.

Nothing more, but more of a shock the younger it happens.
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Piano
Veteran Member
Joined : Apr 2008
Posts : 847
Posted 5/18/2011 1:53 PM (GMT -8)
Fact: we will all die of something. Fact: we don't know when.

It is a shock to get a diagnosis of cancer, because it brings us to the realization that we are not invincible after all -- we then have some inkling of the "when".

As far worrying about it I take this view: There are some things we can do. If concerned about a heart attack, take steps to reduce the risk -- heart-healthy diet, exercise and no smoking. Similar steps are also possible to reduce the chance of PCa recurrence.

There are some things we can't control, like primary liver or pancreatic cancer, or being struck by a meteorite. So what do you gain by worrying about them? Worry about, and fix the things you can fix.

So I say fix the risks in your life you can fix, and accept the risks that you can't, and live every day as it comes.
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Purgatory
Elite Member
Joined : Oct 2008
Posts : 25448
Posted 5/18/2011 2:44 PM (GMT -8)
Plenty of people die sub 40 years of age. Babies die every day. We all have a destined meeting with the grim reaper in this world, whether you are a stillborn, or an old geezer at 110. Best learn to accept that.
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JoeFL
Regular Member
Joined : Oct 2009
Posts : 420
Posted 5/18/2011 3:24 PM (GMT -8)
It's your age David. At 68, I have already outlived a lot of family, friends and associates and feel fortunate to still be here. In the meantime I just try to enjoy every day. I'm sure I would have felt different at 40.

I hope you can realize that you have done all you can for now to treat your PC and make yourself walk away from the stress and worry. The stress alone is an enabler of all kinds of trouble you don't need.
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don826
Veteran Member
Joined : May 2008
Posts : 1010
Posted 5/18/2011 3:24 PM (GMT -8)
Hi Davidg,

I feel somewhat the same but not so much anxiety as just not as carefree as I was before my diagnosis and treatment. PCa is like the proverbial "elephant in the room". I sometimes think it would have been better not to know until it was too late. When I started the statistics said 8 years to metastasis based on my numbers. Looks to be the same after treatment too but now I have a significantly diminished sexual capacity and the pall of cancer hanging over every decision I make in my personal life. I have found some peace as I am not by habit a worrier or given to overstatement. Going back to work part time has helped as it gives me something else to focus on.

I hope you find a way to quiet your mind and find some peace.

Best to you,

Don

 

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JNF
Veteran Member
Joined : Dec 2010
Posts : 5725
Posted 5/18/2011 5:26 PM (GMT -8)
David, I am with you.   Every ache and pain makes me wonder.   It is not the age as I still feel like I am 30, only with Joe Namath knees.

My wife has had her second bout with breast cancer and, on Monday, had her second round of reconstruction surgery putting her back together after a double masectomy from last year.

My 42 year old niece learned last week that she has a recurrance of colon cancer that was discovered the day my wife had her double masectony last July.    My sister called to inform us that her daughter had a PET scan last week that shows she has several new tumors in her belly.   Last August she had surgery and they removed, as the surgeon described " a fruit basket....a grapefruit, an orange, a lemon, and a couple of limes....." from a young women with four children that has never weighed 100 pounds.   She went through four chemo sessions that each lasted four days.    She will re-start chemo this week.

This stuff is a curse that simply can't be explained.  I am of the attitude that I will check out everything as one never knows what that ache or pain or tingle night be.   We are predisposed to the wonder because we know this alien spreads throughout our bodies in a very stealthy method.   But we can't let it get he better of us.   Most often we with PCa will be fine over a long period of time as most of it grows very slowly and we will pass on from something else.

I wish the same could be said for my young niece.

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Purgatory
Elite Member
Joined : Oct 2008
Posts : 25448
Posted 5/18/2011 5:33 PM (GMT -8)
sorry to hear about your niece, that sounds like a tough story.
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60Michael
Veteran Member
Joined : Jan 2009
Posts : 2504
Posted 5/18/2011 5:34 PM (GMT -8)
Davidg

PCa has humbled me and yet there are still moments where I feel invincible. As my wife likes to remind me, "worrying is like praying for something bad to happen." Never have known how long I would live, but I figured that I would cruise into my mid 80's. Still might, but like Sonny says, Every day is a bonus. Hope that you find some piece of mind soon.

Michael

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logoslidat
Veteran Member
Joined : Sep 2009
Posts : 7585
Posted 5/18/2011 6:31 PM (GMT -8)
Another arrow for my Quiver 60 michael.

Davidg, Ziggy9 said it very simply and succint no addition needed there. At 66 prior to diagnosis, all that bad stuff was for someone else, it hit me like a ton of bricks, but I"m back tho, really aware of my mortality, not just intellectually and am a better man for it. You got that 28 years earlier, this will change your life for the better, believe it and try, try real hard not to fret, its not good for you. You have that inside you , you know you do, just grab it. BTW if you are thinking 20 or 30 years tops, Gee I better get busy, I got 2 years to go LOL.
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njbmwgs
Regular Member
Joined : Apr 2011
Posts : 47
Posted 5/18/2011 7:08 PM (GMT -8)
I'm right there with ya Dave. Although I haven't started "official" treatment for my PCa, every time I get a little ache or pain, particularly if it's related to that general area I think " well, that's just cancer movin' around! "

It's definitely gotten a lot better since I was first diagnosed, but I'm sure it'll continue for years. Just the type of personality I have.

On the positive side though, I've enjoyed a different outlook on relationships w/my family and others. So there IS a positive side to this dreadful disease.

thanks
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Steve n Dallas
Veteran Member
Joined : Mar 2008
Posts : 5243
Posted 5/19/2011 1:39 AM (GMT -8)
I spend way more time...which isn't much...worring about getting killed on the freeway driving to work. So many idiots on the road that don't seem to care about life at all...
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GOP
Veteran Member
Joined : Dec 2010
Posts : 657
Posted 5/19/2011 3:16 AM (GMT -8)
David,

I unerstand what you are saying: I spent some time there myself, but I've chosen a different angle that works for me. I (had) cancer and Rheumatoid Arthritis simultaneously. Both of these are very very bad actors: I don't even want to speculate on which is worse in the short term. When the RA was bad, it was like it ate me up from the inside out. I didn't know if the pain was coming from cancer or RA. I couldn't imagine ever being 'normal' again. I was fortunate that prednisone worked for me. When I say worked, I mean I go to the gym every day and do serious workouts; I fish every day that I am not on my part time job, and I ride my Harley every day that it doesn't rain which in PA this year frankly isn't much.

Point being, I have had and maybe still do have two pretty bad things which may 'get' me one day if the Harley doesn't, but neither one is going to kill me TODAY....not this day, and I try to fill each day with as much living as I can. I don't worry one second between doctor visits. I would never try to tell anyone how they should approach life, but this works for me. I saw a sign somewhere that said, "May you live every day of your life." That makes perfect sense to me.

God Bless you, Man

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la2rc
New Member
Joined : Apr 2011
Posts : 18
Posted 5/19/2011 3:49 AM (GMT -8)
Lots of wisdom here. I think everyone on this board realizes how precious and fragile life is, but everyone reacts differently. I think that you may always feel a twinge of the 'uh ohs' every time you feel a pain you've never felt before, but I also think that at some point you'll decide to choose not to worry so much. I do think it's kind of like PTSD. You have been/are going through a major crisis. It takes time to recover.
I also think it's ok to worry to some degree. There is certainly nothing wrong with getting a skin cancer screening. I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters...4 of us have had melanoma. I have to say that our family get-togethers sometimes turn into a spot comparison gathering, lol. We tend to discuss cancer quite a bit. There has been a lot of it in our family and we all realize that it's most likely going to be the way we go. Aside from all the melanoma, one of my brothers has had testicular cancer, twice. Another has had a giant cell tumor (bone cancer). Both of these brothers have had melanoma as well. We all talk about it at times but we all try to keep a sense of humor as well. When my brother had his first surgery for testicular cancer we all bought him a ball, all different sizes, wrapped them up and gave them to him. Sometimes a sense of your own mortality can really enrich your life and your love for others. Hang in there...it will get better :)
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Gleason 6
Veteran Member
Joined : Mar 2011
Posts : 879
Posted 5/19/2011 8:27 AM (GMT -8)
David,

On my very first post here when I got the news that I had cancer and was very scared, you were on of the first people to respond and made me feel much better. You wrote:

Somebody said...
Gleason 6 -

This is the lowest you will be. As of tonight, after reading here and then getting more and more information you will change your attitude, slowly come to terms with your new reality and then fight hard and win. You'll win because as others above have said, this is a very treatable disease and your numbers are low.

Once you decide what course to take you will feel further empowered. Once you have gone through that process, whatever it might be, you will be able to put this all behind you and start looking ahead again.

If you have a spouse or partner, keep her/him involved in the process. It's critical to share your feelings and fears with your loved ones. They'll help make you stronger and help you make rational choices.

I have not been to the "other side" yet and don't know how I will feel after my treatment. I do know that after running a full spectrum of emotions, I have been able to go on with my life as best as I can. I really don't think about it too much other than still being logged in here while at work. I do that because I'm still in decision making mode and I appreciate the advise I get here and learn by looking at other posts.

Hopefully when I decide on a treatment I will put this behind me and go on with my life. Still getting my regular physicals and yearly dermatologist screening. If I do have another physical problem I hope to catch it early and deal with it if it happens.

David, you gave me some good advice and I think you should follow your own advice. "Once you have gone through that process, whatever it might be, you will be able to put this all behind you and start looking ahead again."

Don't waste today worrying about tomorrow.
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lowandslow
Regular Member
Joined : Jan 2011
Posts : 126
Posted 5/19/2011 10:00 AM (GMT -8)
     davidg, You need to just take a deep breath. Like others have said, you are just feeling mortal. I had 2 heart attacks when I was 40, and now PCa at 48. Worrying is a waste of time. It accomplishes nothing, except wasting time. I figure it this way, I've cheated death at least 3 times, and eventually death will win, as it always does, so I may as well enjoy whatever time I've got. Be it a day or 40 years. I used to be all wrapped up in political garbage, but my PCa battle has been liberating.

    The world is like a train. We get on the train and beat it with a stick trying to make it go the direction we desire. When our time is up, we jump off the train and it goes on down the track barely noticing we were ever there.

   You can insert job or company or whatever instead of world into that little saying. Man, you still get wood, you have continence and you are headed to Italy..... ENJOY!!!!

Rule 1. Don't sweat the small stuff

Rule 2. It's all small stuff

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wifeandmother
Regular Member
Joined : Feb 2011
Posts : 45
Posted 5/19/2011 10:38 AM (GMT -8)
 I think it is post traumatic stress and it will take a while, maybe a couple of years actually.  Or maybe never.  It took me me at least 7 years to get over 9/11 stress.  I don't think my husband will ever be his old self.  Actually, now he speaks a bit more dangerously.  "Put alot of butter on my food"  "Maybe I will take up smoking after this"  "If I knew this would happen, I would drop my seed and make babies all over the world"

He was always kind of crazy like that.

I think you will be fine, it will take time, a little counseling if it gets worse won't hurt. 

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davidg
Veteran Member
Joined : Feb 2011
Posts : 4093
Posted 5/19/2011 4:01 PM (GMT -8)
some really wonderful thoughts in this thread, thank you.

I don't know, it's not that bad, it's just not the same anymore. There are good days and bad days. The highs seems very high (like when I found out my psa was 0), the lows pretty low.

I might be setting myself up for an even bigger drop, but I am hoping a year in Rome reinvigorates me and helps me accept and enjoy my new perspective on myself and life. We'll see.

My goal is to relax, find some serenity and make a switch and not allow my new mindset to condition my relationship with my wife and kids. They can feel my stress and that isn't good.
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Ralph Alfalfa
Regular Member
Joined : Nov 2008
Posts : 469
Posted 5/19/2011 4:36 PM (GMT -8)
A year in Rome? That couldn't hurt ease the stress level, especially if you partake of some of the local vintage crop. I expect that you'll adjust quite nicely. Breathe deeply, focus on the positive, and enjoy life. As Sonny says, each day is a bonus.

Bob
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davidg
Veteran Member
Joined : Feb 2011
Posts : 4093
Posted 5/23/2011 3:52 PM (GMT -8)
married, Ralph... but no harm in looking. Specially in our rehabilitative state. All eye candy helps.

Today I realized one big change in me pre-surgery and right after surgery vis-a-vis now. In the early days, all of 6 months ago, I really didn't have too much time to wallow in self pity. Yes, I was shell shocked and sad, but I was in a fight. Then I had to focus on surgery, then I had to focus on recovering from surgery. Now that all that seems behind me for the time being I have more time to obsess about all the things that could still go wrong.
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logoslidat
Veteran Member
Joined : Sep 2009
Posts : 7585
Posted 5/23/2011 9:08 PM (GMT -8)
I may be naive, but think Ralph was referring to Vino.
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biker90
Veteran Member
Joined : Nov 2006
Posts : 1465
Posted 5/23/2011 11:11 PM (GMT -8)
Cancer can be a mental/emotional killer or we can make the best of the situation.

We learn patience because treatments don't work overnight.

We learn to maintain a positive attitude because negativity spreads like cancer and hurts those around us.

We learn campassion for others because we expect it from them.

We learn true friendship because we are fighting a common enemy - the lifeboat analogy applies.

We learn to have faith and to believe that the treatments will work.

We learn to overcome fear by taking one steip at a time and looking ahead. Its okay to look back but don't stare.

I spend time on the lung cancer forums as well as HW. Most of the folks there check in with stage 4 disease because like here the symptoms don't show up till the cancer has spread. Unfortunately there is no well advertised routine test that people take to find it in earlier stages. We are very fortunate to have the PSA test and IMO advising anyone not to take the test is stupidity.

So if you have just been diagnosed with prostate cancer, stay with us and hang on because you are in for a hell of a ride.

Jim
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I use to be a fish
Regular Member
Joined : Mar 2011
Posts : 57
Posted 5/24/2011 7:18 AM (GMT -8)
Hey David,

I think you are dealing with post traumatic stress. You've been through a major trauma - having to deal with the diagnosis of cancer, the overwhelming decision of treatment options, going through surgery (which you did great and were able to comfort me with your kind words) and now you have moved to another country!  I'm sure you are tired &worn out emotionally.  Not to mention having to be strong for your wife & kids!

Your post made me think of buying a new car.  Before you get a car you may not have noticed many of that particular type on the road, but after you get it you start to see them everywhere.  I get what you are saying about hearing about cancer everywhere now.  I remember last year after thinking that my husband's psa had dropped to an acceptable level we were on vacation in Alaska & Canada.  We hopped on a public bus to get to the airport in Vancouver and there above our heads was an ad "Men, do you know your PSA score"!  I wanted to scream - it seems there is no way to escape what we had been dealing with! 

Now that you are in a new country, maybe you could take a break from prostate cancer for awhile.  You definitely have a medical clearance to do so - with a post op psa of 0!!!! (I've been wondering how your score was going to be.)  It would be refreshing for you, your wife & kids.  I don't know how you mentally check out from cancer, but their must be some viable distractions in a new country.  Do you have much free time while there?  I believe you are there for work?  Be patient with yourself, mentally & physically.  You've been through alot. 

- Christine

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