hanging in the limbo.

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Todd1963
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Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 3257
   Posted 5/27/2011 6:53 PM (GMT -6)   
I am at the odd place I find myself every 3 months. 6 weeks post onco doc and 6 weeks pre uro doc visit. It is as always a very trying time for me. What is happening inside of me. What is changing? I spent about 4 months in denial mode. Refusing to believe that I have Cancer. It is a happy time for me when I am in that mode. I work, play, and enjoy life in every way possible. I don't think about the future or the lack there of. Reality must eventually sink in and I reluctantly schedule my appointments and have a P.S.A. drawn. So the levels were up last time. maybe next time they will be down. I have a lot of congestion. Is it the cancer or allergies. Do I care one way or the other? Yes!!!!!!!! Life is strange beautiful exciting and scary. Lately I have pondered the end of life. It seems natural. Kind of like being reborn. I am not afraid of it. I am also not ready for it. I think I am just being weird. Daily thoughts on paper. lol Todd

clocknut
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Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 2680
   Posted 5/27/2011 7:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Todd,
You often touch on the one aspect of PCa that usually ends up the 500lb. gorilla in the room, and that's the metaphysical questions that we all deal with at one time or another, but can't talk about in a civil manner here on the site.
 
I say "metaphysical" rather than "spiritual," but in some ways they're sort of the same thing.  I mean the questions beyond medicine, such as "why me?" and "what happens to me if this kills me?"  and what happens after I die?  I know for a fact that for many men these metaphysical questions cause more anguish than the physical aspects, and I guess each of us finds answers in various ways that appeal to us, whether in a religious set of beliefs or in some completely secular a-theistic world view.
 
It just makes me feel good to see that you continually find a way to come to terms with the disease, and that it actually seems to have forced you to examine your life and your way of living, make adjustments, and move on.
 
There's more to having cancer than PSA numbers, treatment options, radiation, surgery, urination, defecation, impotence, and all that physical stuff.  It affects our bodies, and it affects our spirits, and I have to say that your account of journey elevates my spirit every time I read  your accounts.  Hang tough, and I hope the numbers stay good for you.
Age 65
Dx in June 2010.
PSA gradually rising for 3 years to 6.2
Biopsy confirmed cancer in 6 of 12 cores, all on left side
Gleason 7 (3 + 4)
Bone scan, CT scan, rib x-rays negative.
DaVinci 8/20/10
Negative margins; negative seminal vesicles
5 brothers, ages 52-67 ; I'm the only one with PCa
Continence OK after 7 weeks. ED continues.
PSA 1/3/10: 0.01

tatt2man
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2845
   Posted 5/27/2011 7:12 PM (GMT -6)   
clocknut said it very well ...

-wishing you peace and contentment Todd....

hugs,
BRONSON
Age:55 -gay with spouse of 14 years, Steve -Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
PSA:10/06/09 3.86
Biopsy:10/16/09- 2 of 12 cancerous, 5% involvement -Gleason 7 (3+4)
Radical Prostatectomy:11/18/09
Pathology:pT3a -Gleason 7 -extraprostatic extension -perineural invasion -prostate weight -34.1 gm
PSA:04/08/10 -0.05 -Zero Club
PSA:09/23/10 -0.05 -Zero Club
PSA:03/24/11 -0.02 -Zero Club
PSA:03/24/12- TBA

Todd1963
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Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 3257
   Posted 5/27/2011 7:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks clocknut and bronson. I am house bound and very stir crazy. I worked 68 hours this week and wish I was at work now.
dx:06/03/06
Age at dx: 42 age now 45
Treated for sciatic nerve pain 6 months prior to dx.
Heavy amount of blood in urine Unable to urinate 
Lung x-ray for pnumonia revealed multiple lesions in each lung
P.S.A. at time of dx. 3216.14
Began lupron and casodex
Cat scan showed large mass in the pelvic area affecting the bladder multiple nodules in both lungs and lymph node envolvement.
Bone scan revealed possible bone involvment in the pelvic area
Biopsy 12 of 12 cores positive gleason 3+4=7
P.S.A.s since lupron 2946, 1274, 532, 5.01 1.23, .09
Begining jan 08 psa .o9, .25, .44, .86, .73, 1.34, 1.49. Doubling time is a little over 3 months
Cat Scan 12/12/08 Prostate normal size and shape. No tumors detected. Left lung clear of all nodules right lung showing only benign scar tissue. Lymph nodes normal
Bone Scan 12/24/08. Clean!!! went off casodex January 4 2009
Current psa 2/13/09 .16
Latest P.S.A. 0.05 newest P.S.A. undetectable

60Michael
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Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 2243
   Posted 5/27/2011 8:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Ditto Clocknut and Bronson.
Michael

Ed C. (Old67)
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 2461
   Posted 5/27/2011 9:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Todd,
Your questions are all valid, we all deal with the same issues every day, some days are better than others, Just this past Wednesday, my wife was diagnosed with a tumor in her sinus cavity that is very close to the optical nerve. We are schedule to see a neuro surgeon at MD Anderson in Houston. All of a sudden PCa is not on my radar. What does the future hold for us? No one knows. I now know what Sunny is going thru with his PCa his wife's cancer. I'm hoping and praying that the tumor is benign. Sorry for my venting but I just can't see straight right now. My anxiety level is off the roof.

Purgatory
Elite Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 25393
   Posted 5/27/2011 9:41 PM (GMT -6)   
todd,

i have found my peace with all this cancer nonsense. now that i am the advanced class, it doesnt bother me, i have that "calm" that i wrote in a seperate thread. now that i have clicked and synched with my new medical oncologist, i feel even more calm.

in the big picture view, i have accepted my destiny, and have no fear in regards to the cancer, none at all. by choice, not ready to go to the "check out" line, but we all have to face that wall one day. no reason to let that fact rule or ruin the rest of our lives

i was more worried when i thought i had a curative hope, but now that has passed me by, its really alright.

good luck and keep on keeping on, brother

david in sc
Age: 58, 56 dx, PSA: 7/07 5.8, 10/08 16.3
3rd Biopsy: 9/08 7 of 7 Positive, 40-90%, Gleason 4+3
open RP: 11/08, on catheters for 101 days
Path Rpt: Gleason 3+4, pT2c, 42g, 20% cancer, 1 pos margin
Incont & ED: None
Post Surgery PSA: 2/09 .05,5/09 .1, 6/09 .11. 8/09 .16
Post SRT PSA: 1/10 .12, 4/8 .04, 8/6 .06, 2/11 1.24, 4/11 3.81
Latest: 6 Corr Surgeries to Bladder Neck, SP Catheter since 10/1/9, SRT 39 Sess/72 gy ended 11/09, 21 Catheters, Ileal Conduit Surgery 9/10

Casper319
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 771
   Posted 5/27/2011 10:35 PM (GMT -6)   
good post todd...I think you are handling it well. It took me a few weeks to believe I had it too. espcially when theres no pain involved. I'm not worried an=bout death for myslef...but I am scared to death of leaving my wife alone since shes only 43. I know shes a tough cookie but it saddens me to even think of her by herself.
Age:50 Diagnosed: April 2011, Age 50
PSA Level 84 Gleason: 8 and 9's
Biopsy results: 10 of 12 tested positive for cancer
Bone scan....negative, CT scans...nagative but
possible spread to seminole vesicles but not confirmed. CT scan showed some rough/blurry areas.

Treatment: Surgery (Date/time still unknown)

Cajun Jeff
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 4119
   Posted 5/28/2011 5:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Todd: Very well said. Your topic is the big white elephant in the middle of the room that no one whats to admit is among us.

You made some very valid statement about destiny and looking to the future. Acceptance, Understanding or just acknowledging that we are human and will face at time when our time is reduced or very near over.

Nope not morbid in any way just more understanding of life. Clocknut and Bronson are right on target with their comments.

Thanks for posting.

With that as a thought. If you look at life as a candle, you only have so much wax to burn. I have had the candle lit at both ends and having a grand time using the wax of life. I value each day and live it to the fullest.

Cajun Jeff
9/08 PSA 5.4 referred to Urologist
9/08 Biopsy: GS 3+4=7 1 positive core in 12 1% cancer core
10/08 Nerve-Sparing open radicalSurgery Path Report Downgrade 3+3=6 GS Stage pT2c margins clea
r3 month: PSA <0.1
19th month: PSA <0.1
2 year PSA <0.1
Only issue at this time is ED but getting better

rcroller
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 327
   Posted 5/28/2011 7:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Great thread and lots of wisdom here. Only been dealing with this for a month now so still pretty raw for me.  The anxiety that comes with this Dx can be overwhelming at times and it's helpful to see how others are coping. I like watching "I Survived Beyond and Back" on BIO channel Sunday nights.  It has given me a lot of hope in terms of understanding what may lie beyond this life. Not one subject who died and returned has any fear of death whatsoever and their understanding of what is truely important in life is crystal clear, most sharing very similar experiences and conclusions.  I find it comforting and watching this has helped reduce my anxiety. I suspect there are many cancer patients who gain similar wisdom as a result of dealing with this disease. I hope you find peace through all of this.

James C.
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 4463
   Posted 5/28/2011 9:34 AM (GMT -6)   
Ed C. , know that our thoughts and prayers are gonna be with your wife and you during this trying time. Stay strong..
James C, 64, East TN
Gonna Make Myself A Better Man tinyurl.com/28e8qcg
4/07: PSA 7.6, 7/07 Biopsy: 3 of 16 PCa, 5% inv, lf. lobe, GS6
9/07: Nerve Spar. open RP, Path: pT2c, 110 gms., clear except:
Prob. microscopic inv.-left apical margin -GS6
3 Years: PSA's .04 each test until 4/10-.06, 9/10-.09, 12/10-.09, 2/11-.08, 5/11-.08
Bimix .30

Todd1963
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 3257
   Posted 5/28/2011 10:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey guy's. I know that my posts can, at times, border on the fringes of morbid to some. I can only say that we tend to open that door more than persons who have not faced the obvious fact that this life is terminal. I am doing well. I am anxious at times only because I have to be mentally ahead of the game. I have been on D.E.S. since November. I wonder if I should go back on Lupron. I wonder if I am making much ado over nothing. I work very hard. My job is strenuous and the big wigs think nothing of working us 16 hours a day as many days as required. This is the first weekend that I have nothing set in stone that requires me to be up at dawn and running until midnight or later. I should relax and rest but I am already in get stuff done mode. After my morning 4 cups of coffee I am going to lay down the ceramic tile in the foyer. They say that if you place a frog in a pan of cold water and place it on the stove that it will stay there until it cooks. The water changes so slowly that it doesn't realize that something is amiss until it is too late. I had so many symptoms that I did not realize were caused from the cancer until they went away after my first lupron shot. I now find them gradually returning. Tingling in my feet, leg spasms, being uncomfortable when I am sitting, lower back pain, and swollen lymph nodes in the back of my neck. I don't want to be like the frog. I tell my wife of none of this. She is a dove among the Macaws. She is kind and gentle and very tender hearted. The end of my life will be the end of hers in a very big way. No worries mates. Lots of bullets left in the gun. I actually think my onco doc wants my P.S.A. over 10 so he can put me on provenge. Talk to ya'll soon. Todd
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