142 - thanks again for watching out for me in particular. I am still ok with this going until it dies a natural "thread death". The bulk of the responses have been great, and well appreciated.
You already know this, I know, but I don't write for sympathy, don't want sympathy - here, or in my real life. I am a big boy, and have been dealing with this, and other serious cancers for a long time. If this is my lot in life, then so be it.
Also, I don't post for popularity, didn't know I was suppose to, lol. I have a lot on my mind, and I love writing, it's my natural media. Just call sometime, and see how uncommunicated I can be on the phone.
In October of 2008, I came here like every other newcomer. Newly diagnosed, afraid of the future, looking for support. I still remember by name, those that reached out for me in those dark days. And when I started here, like many other men who choose surgery, I was stoic about
it. I will man up, have my
open surgery, heal up, get rid of the cancer, and that is that.
Boy, was I ever fooled. There hasn't been as easy moment yet. After my run of 21 caths and a year and a half on them, I am still traumatized by that whole ordeal, even though it ended late in September of 2010. My ill-fated radiation ended Thanksgiving of 2009, still truamatized by how bad that went. I can still close my eyes and feel that burning in my bladder when the IMRT machine hit position #6. It was always at #6. When the serious steady pains began in July of 2010, I thought it was just temporary, boy was I wrong there too. It has only grown worse, and continues to worsen. Never thought I would thrown out of the work world I loved so much, to end up on a cane, with 48 hour morphine patches and endless pain pills, just to be functional at all.
But, that was my lot. I didn't ask for it. But I have adjusted my mind to accept it all in stride. Why am I still here? Because we keep getting new folks in the door, its sad, but true. I was accepted when I came aboard, and I don't have it in me to turn my back on anyone in need of the same kind of help.
I don't have all the answers, in fact, I don't pretend to. I know only know what my doctors teach me, and to some lesser degree, some good information learned here. But I do understand fear, I do understand pain, and being a 4 time cancer survivor (so far), I know what it means to be a survivor. So hopefully, I will always have some value here.
In the case of what has turned out to be an amazing thread, certainly never thought it would go on like this, I am still stunned, that a person or two can't take a polite hint, either from you as a Moderator, or me as the originator of the thread. But as mentioned above, not here to win prizes or run for office. And you can't win all of the people, all of the time, so I am glad that wasn't a goal of mine.
I think you do a good job under hard circumstances sometimes. You know, I had my chance as a Mod, and I was clever enough to get out that gig real fast, lol. If you, of your own free will, wish to say anything private to those that keep violating Rule #3, it would be a blessing, but that's up to you.
Otherwise, I will keep on doing what I like to do.
Post Edited (Purgatory) : 4/15/2012 9:52:01 PM (GMT-6)