Posted 10/26/2013 9:45 PM (GMT -6)
thanks, bobbie and buddy
jim - not that easy, with my wife's very particular nursing position, getting time off is difficult at best. her position is unique at her facility, not like she is a floor nurse where an easy replacement can be found. it was hard enough getting her one week off for the cruise we just took. good thing with my VA deal, she can strongly consider retiring at 62 instead of having to wait till 64, which means she may only have to work slightly less than 4 more years. but's that's assuming she wants to stop working then.
its hard for me seriously plan another trip this soon, because of the downward spiral I seem to be stuck with. this year's trip was tremendously harder for me to pull off compared to the year before. at the rate I am going, wouldn't even want to think about how I will be doing a year or less from now
mal, my friend, yes, some light instead of darkness for once. told my wife, after digesting this good news, that for the first time in 5 years, I will no longer bear guilt for not being able to work any more. she has never made me feel bad about, never brought it up in a negative way, etc, but in my mind, I simply wasn't doing "my job" anymore. this makes it hard for me to relax and think about just doing stuff for my own enjoyment or benefit. why I have become so OCD around the house and yard. I won't allow myself to have fun, knowing that she is having to work 45-55 hours per week. might sound silly, but it's just how I think.
with the VA money about to be in place now, I finally might allow myself the luxury of considering myself properly retired. yesterday, the excitement of this victor outshined all other feelings, but today, I came back to the reality of how broken down my body really is. no amount of money will ever make up for the suffering and hardship I have been through for 5 years now, no way to ever pay that back
we went on a 75 mile round trip drive into the edges of western NC to see the leaves (disappointed, not really much left, or even much color), had lunch in the small town of Brevard, but unknown to us, they were having a major Halloween fair going on, so everything was so crowded. the walking alone took its toll on me, even on a cool day such as it were. any kind of steady walking is almost getting dangerous for me, I bet my left hip to knee, gave out (literally no physical feeling) 2 dozens times, each time almost causing me to hit the ground.
I may well indeed have to take the next step, as my therapist is strongly advising, and start to use a walker when I am outside. but I have personal issues and issues of pride in taking still another downhill step like that. been in severe pain every since, even as I type right now, and that's with the max. amount of prescription pain meds I am allowed to ingest per day. just getting harder and harder for me to function and be functional. and that knowledge causes me to have fits of doubts about myself and my overall condition. I truly feel like my entire body is winding down, a little bit each day.
not happy with your current psa either, what is the current thinking between you and your oncologist? are you going to continue to do WW, as I am doing with my doctor? Please let me know.