Posted 5/22/2014 9:02 PM (GMT -6)
Michael, hit 90 today in Greenville, and the heat always makes me feel worse, have a lifetime intolerance to heat, makes my fatigue much greater, and harder for me to breathe. For me, cold, clear winter air makes me feel the best. Yeah, had breeze going until sunset, now its muggy outside.
Thank you Lynn, at the doctor's suggestion, I went to the store and bought a box of walnut covered frosted brownies from Publix bakery, one of my favorite past treats. Wrong move, for starters, it didn't do anything for me, kind of tasted neutral, and that with the small dinner I forced into myself, let's just say within 30 minutes, dinner exited me in the form of violent diarrhea. So I didn't accomplish anything but bringing on more cramps and back aches. Now that I have been emptied, I feel ok again, but that didn't help me with either calories or nutrients. Thus the vicious chain I am stuck in currently.
As a general statement, I appreciate all the positive input to this and the past couple of threads. I seek not sympathy, but just want answers, and that is where I get frustrated. I have so much on my plate, above the worry of dealing with advanced PC, and such a declining quality of life, that I am open to all ideas and suggestions. Was given a good one tonight that I will be e-mailing to my doctor in the morning. Whatever is happening, it's definitely a progressive thing, and some of once were detached symptoms that didn't make sense, are starting to chain together to paint a not so pretty picture.
No matter what this adds up to, I would rather know the truth, and know for sure what I am dealing with, even if I don't like the answer.
If you only really knew in real life, how hard I struggle to stay positive, stay useful, and stay relevant to those around me, that itself is a constant battle. However, even on my worse days, I absolutely will not allow myself to lay around and feel sorry for myself. It's not me, not my style.
But its not reasonable for anyone to think I can be or act Mr. Super Positive all the time, it just wouldn't make sense with all these assorted issues tearing away at me. I try extra hard to never take it out on my loved ones and friends in r/l. but I am not perfect, and sometimes I slip, and pain and anger speak instead of my normal passive manner.
Even here at HW, I can get touchy at time, try not to take it personal. I always write from the heart, and sometimes I probably disclose too much, but I am open like that. I don't mind suggestions, new ideas, and thinking outside the box. I don't have all the answers, and my combined case is so complicated, that even the best doctors can't always come up with answers for me.
But I will not give up - no intention of doing so. I just keep enduring these sufferings in stride, and keep hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. I realize there are so many other people that suffer worse than I do, I am conscious of that at all times.
I know we can't detail matters of faith here due to the rules, and I support the rules, but if I were not a person of strong personal faith, I would have given up long ago. I know in the "big picture" that I am ok, and whatever happens is ok too. Hope that makes sense.
But thank you to each person that sincerely tries to help, I need it, I appreciate it. And if something you suggest has been tried and failed, don't take it personal, it doesn't mean I don't like what you are saying, just means its already been considered and/or tried.
Where I get my most joy at HW, is in the stories from the men that are winning their fights with PC, while I am not sharing their good results myself, I take pride and joy in knowing that others are doing ok, and will probably get to live the rest of their lives - without being taken out by PC itself. And that's a good thing. When I say "I am happy for you, or congratulations" on your great PSA reading, I mean it sincerely, without any envy or jealousy.
Age: 61, 56 at PC dx, PSA 16.3
3rd Biopsy: 9/8 7 of 7 Positive, 40-90%, 4+3
open RP: 11/8, Catheter in 63 days
Path Rpt: 3+4, pT2c, 42g, 20% tumor, 1 pos margin
Incontinence & ED: None
Surgery Failed, recurrence within 9 months
Salvage Radiation 10/9-11/9, SRT failed within 9 months, PSA: Too High
Spent total of 1 ½ years on 21 catheters, Ileal Conduit Surgery 9/10,
7 other PC-related surgeries