This theme has been in a couple of threads lately. We're optimistic that our treatments are effective, that our "zero club" remissions will be permanent, that this beast has been vanquished. At the same time, we may still have lingering concerns that the thing is only biding its time, more so with higher risk cases. We simply don't know. So we rumble on living day to day, trying to ignore the (vanquished?) beast. Even with good results, some of us struggle with ongoing treatments and their side effects making a continuing reminder of our inner battles. Other people just can't really appreciate what we are coping with day to day.
I love the positive threads, those with good results, enjoying long remissions in the face of rather dire diagnoses. It's so great to have the encouragement, to see reason for hope, and to use that as a way to keep the concerns at bay. It's the inability to just put it out of my mind that frustrates me a bit, the inability to just put it out of sight and leave it there. My own body, so modified by treatments, is a constant reminder.
I just ran across this quote in David Emerson's blog, and it rather of reminded me of this. His case was advanced and a constant battle.
David Emerson's blog, 11/23/2008 said...
I probably say this to often but I live this terribly ironic life; I try my best to go on day after day with my head up, trying to remain positive, trying to laugh and live. All the while I carry this unbelievable burden called cancer. Not a cancer that can come, and begone in short order, but a cancer that goes on and on, unknown to most. There is nothing in my outward appearance that would even let anyone know what a cruel war is waging inside of me.
If you haven't read his blog (and I'm only up to 2008), it's very well written and worth the time in my humble opinion. A quick google search will locate it for those interested.
IGRT by IMRT, 44 done 8/28/13: 50.4 Gy pelvic nodes, 79.2 Gy prostate
ADT2 3 yrs: Lupron/Casodex 5/1/13
Age 56: 55@Dx 4/16/13-
Bx 6/12 pos G9=5+4 (80%, 60%), 4+5 (2 at 100%, 80%, 10%), PNI+
3T MRI: Bilateral EPE, NVB+, SV-, LN-, cT3a
Date PSA fPSA
2/6/14 <0.01, T<10
8/13 <0.1 (ADT2, post-RT)
3/13 5.2 12% PCA3=31
9/12 4.1 15%