Getting Mad after surgery?

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ARangel14
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2014
Total Posts : 292
   Posted 2/27/2015 11:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I've already discussed this w/ one member of the forum but thought I'd share w/ the rest of the "family". Maybe some of you guys can shed some light on what's going on. I've said from the get go Bob isn't much of a talker and he's one of those people that buries his head in the sand at any adversity. All of a sudden he's turned into a complete JERK. I am about ready to pull my hair out. He's almost 3 months post op and all of a sudden it's like he's a completely different person. You'd think w/ a great first PSA he'd be ready to move on, not take people for granted, and to cherish each day, but NOOOOOOOOOO. All of a sudden he's turned into demon spawn. Nothing I do is right, talking to me like dirt, very inconsiderate. You guys know I have stood by him and supported him in everything but guys I'm about at my breaking point. I came out of a 17 year abusive marriage (physically and verbally) and I promised myself never ever again would I let someone steal my self esteem and worth from me but that's what I feel like is happening (no he's not physically abusive so don't think that). Even after surgery w/ good results did you go through depression? Are there some kind of hormonal changes that are happening because he no longer has a prostate? Help me get into a man's head post op so I can figure out what's going on. If this needs to go to caregivers thread move me. Just wanted to talk it out w/ those that have been through it. ~Miki~
My name is Miki my husband Bob- age 53 @ DX
Initial PSA 8/14 was 4.1
Biopsy 9-11-14
Initial Results: 9/25/2014 -- 6 of 12 cores positive 3+3=6 (5%) 3+3=6 (5%) 3+3=6(3%) 3+3=6 (10%) 3+3=6 (40%) 3+4=7 (40%)
PNI Left middle and Left lateral apex
DaVinci RP performed 12-03-2014
Surgical path downgraded to Gleason 6
Stage T2c one positive margin 30% tumor of prostate
1-8-2015 PSA 0.00

Post Edited (ARangel14) : 2/27/2015 11:52:53 PM (GMT-7)


Purgatory
Elite Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 25343
   Posted 2/28/2015 12:14 AM (GMT -7)   
With a post surgery PSA of zero, one would think there would be a lot of gratitude. If what you say is true, sounds like he's simply being an A.H., to himself and you. No good explanation for that.
Age: 61, 56 at PC dx, PSA 16.3
3rd Biopsy: 9/8 7 of 7 Positive, 40-90%, 4+3
open RP: 11/8, Catheter in 63 days
Path Rpt: 3+4, pT2c, 42g, 20% tumor, 1 pos margin
Incontinence & ED: None
Surgery Failed, recurrence within 9 months
Salvage Radiation 10/9-11/9, SRT failed within 9 months, PSA: Too High
Spent total of 1 ½ years on 21 catheters, Ileal Conduit Surgery 9/10,
7 other PC-related surgeries

celebrate life
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2014
Total Posts : 2082
   Posted 2/28/2015 12:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Mikki, you have really been a source of comfort to everyone of us when you could have just moved on and "abandoned" HW altogether. I imagine you have been as wonderful to Bob as well. And you have had to deal with your own health concerns too. So sorry you're dealing with this frustration too. shakehead
I would suggest some marriage counseling so you can find out what is going on! Email me if you like.
Husband age 56
Dx: PC with widespread Mets to bones and nodes 11/2010
PSA @ dx nearly 1900 Gleason 4+5
Docetaxel 1/17/12
Zytiga7/9/12
xofigo 7/18
Smarium 153 5/10/13
Xtandi 9/15/13
Cabazitaxel 2/21/14
Zytiga 10/15/14
Ongoing since dx: denosomab and Luprolide
Begin RT to sacrum X 10 1/13/15
PSA 1/15 increased to 100
PSA 130 2/15End Zytiga
Pilot study DRibbles vaccine approved to participate!

Chask
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2014
Total Posts : 512
   Posted 2/28/2015 1:08 AM (GMT -7)   
There is more to successful surgery than just a zero PSA count, and that could be affecting Bob.

Is he experiencing any incontinence or ED?. That can destroy a mans self image and that can lead to putting others down so that he doesn't feel like the only one on a downer. Even without those SE's, the surgery does mean you are forever changed and I guess that can affect some people more than others.

I don't think the surgery affected me, but the side effects sure did, and there were further SE's as a result of hormone therapy, and that included being a bit short with others. I am usually very calm and even tempered. I assume Bob is not on HT, but he could be feeling pretty low because of other issues.

I have a booklet on PC which points out that the diagnosis and treatment can be as traumatic to the partner as to the patient. That made me realise that I had to be as considerate to my wife as she was to me.

Not sure if you can make him aware that it's pretty hard for you too and he isn't Robinson Crusoe in his "journey".

Good luck

Chas
Age 68 at Dx
10/08 to 03/13 PSA 2.9 < 7.1
07/13 Bx 4+ cores from 12 GL 4+5 Pelvic CT and Bone Scan clear
08/13 LRP
Path: Gl 4+3 PNI, bladder mgn +, SV, LN Neg, pT3a N0 Mx
10/13 PSA .03
11/13 PSA .07
12/13 12 month ADT start (Zoladex) Continence good
01/14 37 sessions of RT
05/14 PSA <.01 Incontinence back
08/14 PSA <.01
10/14 PSA <.01
01/15 Retentive due to strictures

Steve n Dallas
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 4795
   Posted 2/28/2015 4:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Gut reaction-> Give him some space.

BUT, is he being a JERK all by himself or is it in reaction to you being overly helpful?

montee
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 315
   Posted 2/28/2015 5:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Any major surgery can cause different emotions. Some men don't like to show vulnerable emotions. My father was that way. It seemed what ever he was feeling inside came out as anger, shortness or impatience with his family.

I don't where he is at with ED but if he is experiencing ED, he may feel that he is not the man he use to be and maybe that intimacy that you two once had can't be achieved again and maybe he might think that you feel he is not the man he use to be. I've heard that wives feel and have reacted the same way after mastectomies.

He's just beginning his healing process both physically and mentally, like physical, mental takes time also and he is just beginning the psa anxiety trip that all of us take in the first few years after.

Not making excuses for him, maybe he is acting like a jerk, just putting out some other ideas why he may be acting that way if he wasn't before. Hope everything changes for both of you.

Ron
diagnosed sept 2006 @ 54 years old, live in Georgia, gleason 3+4=7, (r) lobe only

psa 4.7 (psa rose 1 point per year for 3 years, urologist said still under 4 and no concern. If I can find out about PSA velocity, why didn't he know!)

Told not to have surgery at Dana Farber as cancer had already penetrated prostate, in seminal vesicles, would have positive margins. Would only treat with radiation and HT

RP Emory Atlanta December 2006. Path-negative margin, negative lymph nodes, negative SV, both Lobes involved, 40% gland involved
multifocal perineural invasion, Gleason 3+4=7

1st psa April 2007-<0.04, 6 mos-<0.04, 9 mos <0.04, 1yr <0.04, 21 mos <0.04, 2 yr 0.04 (rising?) 26 mos-0.05, 27 mos-0.04, 29 mos 0.06 Sept 09 ,<0.04 3 year <0.04 39 mo. 0.07 (rising again) 0.07 2 different times 3 mos apart.,now seeing Rad. Onc. next 2 tests with him 3 mos apart <0.05.

Pratoman
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2012
Total Posts : 4979
   Posted 2/28/2015 5:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Miki, as I mentioned in our email exchange, I've experienced some depression, after surgery, and the zero PSA result made me happy and thankful but it didn't remove the depression. I think what Bob is going thru is normal, and you're the on,y one around that he can take it out on. Not defending him, but just sayin...


There are a lot of emotions that go with being newly diagnosed/newly treated. Including, dealing with the side effects, and just as big, dealing with our own mortality, as well as knowing that life can change in a split second, with every upcoming PSA test.

So I think like Steve said, maybe give him some space. Time will be a big healer. Try to remember it's not really you that he's angry with. It's the Cancer, and maybe God.

If, in a few months, it's not getting better, you should probably have a talk with the goal of getting him to accept some sort of counseling.

Hope it improves soon
Age 64 (in 2014), Father had PCa
PSA Feb 2006 - Nov 2014, PSA rose from .7 to 4.3
Nov 2012 - Biopsy - 14 cores all negative for PCa, 1 showed Hi Grade PIN
Nov 2014 BX 3 of 12 cores positive original pathology G6 10%, G6 20%,
G8 (3+5), 70%. Johns Hopkins second opinion, G3+5=8 downgraded to 3+3=6 @80%
Bone scan and CT Scan negative
Surgery with Dr Ash Tewari Jan 6, 2015
Post surgical pathology, stage T2c, bilateral disease, upstaged to G7(3+4)
5% of Prostate involved in Tumor
Organ confined, negative Margins, negative SV, negative lymph nodes (9) PNI positive
PSA 2/15 <.02
My story: www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=35&m=3297053&p=1

Patrick M
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2013
Total Posts : 413
   Posted 2/28/2015 6:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Take him to counseling... He's likley suffering some self esteem issues after surgery especially if he is leaking and has and ED. He's probably not feeling too manly and is confused on how to accept this new current reality. I remember being very angry about what PCA has done to me for the 3-6 months after surgery.

Good luck

Pat
Age 48,
PSA 14.7 06/24/2013
PSA 14.6 08/20/2013

Biopsy 10/1/2013 - 2 out of 12 cores positive
Gleason 3+3

RALP on 11/11/2013.
Catheter out on 11/18/2013

Still a little leaky 01/01/2015

PSA <0.1 12/29/2014
PSA <0.1 07/07/2014
PSA <0.1 01/13/2014


Current very happy member of the 0 Club

(Not a Medical Professional)

clocknut
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 2641
   Posted 2/28/2015 6:18 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't find his abusive behavior normal in any way. Sure, prostate cancer, prostate surgery or other treatment, are traumatic, life-altering events in a man's life, but I would venture to say that for most of us men, it actually brought us closer to our wives. My gratitude to my wife for standing strong with me knows no bounds.

Have you told him in no uncertain terms what his cruel actions are doing to you? No woman, no loyal wife, needs to put up with this kind of crap. All of us get dealt a bad hand by fate from time to time, but that gives no one the right to make life miserable for their mate.

Stand up strongly for yourself, and tell him to stop it, get counseling if necessary, and demand the respect you deserve. Tell him that his peers on this forum are shocked that he would take out his frustrations on his wife.

Some may disagree, but those are my thoughts.

RCS
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 1240
   Posted 2/28/2015 6:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Miki,

I have seen guys have mood changes after (and before) PCa treatment. Not many, but some. Those that would go to a psychologist did best getting back to their old self.

It's usually pretty hard to convince a guy to see a psychologist, usually they will opt for their family doctor giving them some psych meds. The Meds really don't get to the root of the problem ... just deadens the pain of whatever is bugging them.

Best wishes and good luck as you move forward.

Oncas
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 390
   Posted 2/28/2015 6:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Miki,

Cancer most assuredly leaves a footprint. Like all footprints it eventually fades away. But it's healing time is as different and individualized as the sinister affliction itself. Try this read.


www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/emotionalsideeffects/copingwithcancerineverydaylife/a-message-of-hope-emotional-impact-of-cancer

Jim
DX 1/09 G8
RRP 3/09 path G9, 2 pos nodes
post surg PSA .6 Samarium trial 10/09
EBRT 40 trtmnts 3/10 PSA 2.0
MRI, bone mets 5/11
MSK wants HT 7/11
Sand Lake finds widespread mets 9/11
ADT3 10/11-8/12 PSA 0.01
F18 PET/CT 5/12 mets ,increasing
6/12 2nd line HT Keto/leukine/ per Charles Myers
12/4 Forteo
7'4'13 Xtandi
8/22/13 Xofigo
4/21 Provenge
9/2 Sprycel
1/14 REMISSION

PeterDisAbelard.
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 5640
   Posted 2/28/2015 7:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Miki,

You haven't talked much lately about Bob's side effects from the surgery. If you click on a member's name to the left of a comment it brings up a list of the last ten comments he/she has made. I glanced through your last ten and didn't see how Bob is doing with continence and erectile function. Those are major stressors for a man recovering from prostate surgery and three months after surgery does seem to be a point where lots of guys get depressed and angry. At three months a man realizes that there is nothing he can do that is going to make his recovery go much faster, it's just going to take time and he is already tired of the process.

It's too bad Bob is taking it out on you. Traditionally guys who are limp and leaky at three months post-op are mad at their surgeons. If you think it would help, feel free to tell him that all the guys here on the forum think that he is being a dick and should stop... if you think it would help...

It could be he has just about bottomed out on the post-op depression thing and will start to get over it. Most guys do. Try not to take it personally. At three months some of the new has started to wear off for caregivers too and patience is in short supply all round. It does get better -- usually -- and if it doesn't there is help.
62
Slow PSA rise 2007-2012: 1.4=>8
4 bxs 2010-2012:
1)neg
2)neg,
3)positive 1 of 14 GS6(3+3) 3-4%, 2nd opinion GS7(3+4)
4)neg.
Mild Pre-op ED
DaVinci RRP 6/14/12. left nerve spared
Path: pT3a pN0 R1 GS9(4+5) Pos margins on rt
24 mo ADT3 7/12 - 7/14
Adjuvant IMRT 66.6 Gy 10/17/12 - 12/13/12
Incontinent, Trimix, VED, (AUS Planned)
Forum Moderator - Not a Medical Professional

logoslidat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 5383
   Posted 2/28/2015 8:54 AM (GMT -7)   
The best thing to do is ignore it and continue his care, but DONOT dote on him in any ways as to try and win his heart back. Remain above it, when he is a AH,perfect term,regardless of the cause, do not stomp out, show little reaction, continue the task at hand as if he was as cheerful as Barney the dino, well maybe not that cheerful. Do not get sucked into his dynamic, at some point and it could take some time, depending on how much of an AH he is, he will drift to your dynamic. Only you know how he was before this diagnosis, but use that knowledge in sizing up the situation as time goes on. NO one should be treated that way, regardless of whats going on in the perps life., barring Pschosis. He either gets thru this with yore help,{ meaning loving care, no subtle retaliations, not saying you do,I do not think you do, but subtlety is the humans deadliest offense,and defense, but mostly his own or he will get/or not get thru it alone regardless of any physical presence nearby. We all have our limits and must obey them. I am sorry you have to go thru this and I pray this man come backs to himself and to you. DO NOT coddle him, or berate him, Reckon Even Mr in-between has some good applications as well. Steady as she goes MiMi… RP and cancer diagnosis is traumatic, not all men handle it as well as others…Still no excuse for it, maybe gently a reason tho….
56 mos post op .07 Pathology 4+3 tertiary5 pni+organ confine 27nodes disected-svi margin- age 71. Caveat. Any statement, position,etc made in my post heretofore should be considered to have the word "arguably" included. The word should be considered self evident, even when not specifically written. Arguably as in a court of law. Logo

Almost a 10
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2014
Total Posts : 877
   Posted 2/28/2015 9:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi ARangel,
Sorry to hear that your husband is having a difficult time coping after surgery. After all it is a life changing event. as to his frustration and anger, I find that People act out when there are issues that we Dont understand or are unwilling to discuss. He can't move forward until he can discover what is bothering him or he finds the strength to share it. Unfortunately for you, you are stuck in his crossfire.

If you haven't already, tell him how his mood is affecting you and ask him if that is really what he wants. Then let him know that you won't be held hostage by his attitude and let him know that while he is struggling with this you are going to continue on with your life and that he can either be part of it or not but it is his choice.

Hope he can find his way back because there is no reason to stop living while we are still alive.
11/2013 psa 240
DX 10/2013 PSA 187.5
PSA HIST 07/2011, 3.31;3/2010,1.87,3/06,.87
Biopsy 10/28/2013; 4 cores positive gs 9 (4+5)
BN SCN 12/09/2013 2 hot spots in spine
ADT 12/17/2013 22mg lupr, 50 mg Cas
BN biopsy 01/09/2013 neg
RALP 2/19/2014 NN , LVI ,Path T3B NX, MX, prost size 4.2 X 4 X 3 cm, 31 gms.Post Op PSA 3/14 .6, 6/14<.1;9/8, .6;12/8, 1.2
12/14 CT SCAN; 1/15 BN SCN

InTheShop
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 7966
   Posted 2/28/2015 9:03 AM (GMT -7)   
depression is normal post treatment, but abusive behavior isn't. Doctor/counselor/other professional time in my estimation.

for you at least, if not for him too.

Andrew
I'll be in the shop.
Age 55, 52 at DX
PSA 4.2 10/11, 1.9 6/12, 1.2 12/12, 1.0 5/13, .6 11/13, .7 5/14, .5 10/14
GS 3+4
Stage T1C
2 out of 14 cores positive
Treatment IGRT - 2/2012
My latest blog post

Big Mac
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 2032
   Posted 2/28/2015 9:20 AM (GMT -7)   
ARangel,

The only thing I can add is my moods did change after surgery. I can only guess it comes from all that I went through. I would snap at my wife, co-workers, flip off freeway drivers. I even stepped down from a management position because of my short temper.

I wasn't a JerK or an AH as was mentioned here already. I just had a quicker temper and things would come out before I even knew it. I apologized to my wife many times, saying I didn't mean to hurt her, it just came out. I apologized to co-workers asking for forgiveness.

I am not making excuses but I feel since my life has changed so much, I guess I was just upset I was handed this bad hand. Yes, I had joined the Zero Club, was feeling better every day but my mood swings were now different. Kind of like a male PMS.

It has gotten better but I have resigned myself and staying out of management was GFMPH.

Bill from Florida cool
Age - 64
Feb. 2012 - PSA 18.5 Biopsy 4/27/12
Positive 10 of 12 cores, Gleason 6 then
Da Vinci Surgery 07/17/12, Dr. Vipul Patel
EPE, 2 positive margins, Gleason 3+4=7, involving 50% of gland, prostate weight 57 g. Stage pT3a, Lymph node involvement: 0/4
All post-op PSA tests through 10/15/13 undetectable <0.1
Currently 0.1
AUS AMS 800 installed 4/11/14 finally dry!

ARangel14
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2014
Total Posts : 292
   Posted 2/28/2015 10:24 AM (GMT -7)   
His actions are more like Bill is talking about. Quicker temper, no patience, easily offended. As Beth said I have been going through some health stuff as well so my temper isn't the best. I think his attitude got worse after the cialis prescription ran out and insurance won't cover the dosage he needs. Then we had to have the discussion about calling the uro about some other options. He has no incontinence but erections are 0. (He was hopeful after the cath came out because there were signs of life and now nothing). I think that is probably the trigger. I haven't pressured him about anything about that except had the discussion that the uro needs to be called and see what other options are available. I understand that's a blow to his ego but that doesn't mean to just push me away and deny me any form of affection or respect as his wife. I think we're both really down right now but I hold it together and suck it up for my kid. I'm at the age my hormones are going nuts and I promise you it seems like what he's going through is hormonal. It's like there's two people in the house going through menopause at the same time and he's not on hormones. Wondering if there is a drop in T since the surgery and that causes mood swings? All of you weighing in helps as usual. I will take the advice and back off and give him some space. Believe me Clocknut I know how to stand up for myself. He gets called out on his behavior. Counseling would never be an option. He would never ever go. He would never go to a PC support group. He'd never discuss anything in here (Though he used to read here or listen if I told him bits of info from here). He doesn't even understand why I still come here or my other fb women's group for wives of men w/ PC. He says it's over, it's done, it's gone why do you still go to those pages. I still come because I want to encourage others, because I've made friends here and I want to see how they are doing and because we're still dealing w/ effects of PC. ~Miki~
My name is Miki my husband Bob- age 53 @ DX
Initial PSA 8/14 was 4.1
Biopsy 9-11-14
Initial Results: 9/25/2014 -- 6 of 12 cores positive 3+3=6 (5%) 3+3=6 (5%) 3+3=6(3%) 3+3=6 (10%) 3+3=6 (40%) 3+4=7 (40%)
PNI Left middle and Left lateral apex
DaVinci RP performed 12-03-2014
Surgical path downgraded to Gleason 6
Stage T2c one positive margin 30% tumor of prostate
1-8-2015 PSA 0.00

titlewave
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2014
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 2/28/2015 10:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi ARangel,

My husband became totally depressed as the weeks went by right after surgery and he did not want our daughter and son to see him sick or weak. Sometimes he would be so withdrawn from conversation with all of us that I really worried. He thought he was going to die. One minute he would be crying and another he would snap at me for no reason. I remember loosing my patience with him a lot during that time. Once he went back to work (after three months), it all turned around for him. Although he was still dealing with catheters/stricture issues, he became more positive and really began the healing process. Hang in there!

sheepguy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 2/28/2015 10:50 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm not exactly well versed in pschology, but then neither is anyone here. But it seems like he might be a bit depressed if ED is a big part of his life and he may be walking around soaked with urine all day. That'll make you mad, nuts...something. Granted he ought not to be mean spirited about it..but still. Of course he may just feel like s...t from the surgery...he may never be 100% again and maybe that weighs on his mine. Granted he won't be dead , but he won't be 100%.

81GyGuy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2012
Total Posts : 2084
   Posted 2/28/2015 10:55 AM (GMT -7)   
ARangel14 -

There is actually something very specific that you might try to do that might get him to realize just how much he is hurting you, but it's also something that might backfire.

Videotaping things is very easy to do these days. If you could somehow get a videotape recording of him when he is making a scene in one of his "ugly" moods, then play it back and make him watch it, so that he suddenly sees just what he is really like when he does this, perhaps the shock of him seeing that would make him realize just what he is doing to you. Or even just tape recording his voice (probably easier to do) and playing that back for him, telling him "This is what you sound like" might do the trick.

But clearly this could have risks. Perhaps doing this would only enrage him further and make things worse. Only you can judge if that would be the case. Anyway, an idea.

One other idea. If he refuses to go to counseling, is there anyone available where you are that he genuinely respects or even admires, someone whose opinion he would really value? Or perhaps there is an organization that is important to him. Would it be possible for this person (or someone from that organization) to come and visit him, just the two of them talk, and this person could try and point out to him the damage that he is doing?

If there is no such person, then there is always the chance that if he could meet up with another man who has had similar treatment for prostate cancer but has recovered significantly, then the I-did-it-and-so-can-you argument might work on him. To this end, is there a local prostate cancer support group that could help? But, granted, he has to be willing to participate in any of this.

FWIW, many caregivers have had to deal with the situation that you are in. It's not fair and you don't deserve it, but keep trying, and he may finally come out if his shell.

And, needless to say, this forum is always here if you think we can help you.
Age: 69
Chronic prostatitis (age 60 on)
BPH w/ urinary obstruction, 6/2011
TURP, 7/2011
Ongoing high PSA, 7/2011-12/2011
Biopsy, 12/2011: positive 3/12 (90%, 70%, 5%)
Gleason 6(3+3), T1c
No mets, PCa likely still organ contained
IMRT w/ HT (Lupron), 4/2012-6/2012
PSAs (since post-IMRT): <0.1

Tudpock18
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 3958
   Posted 2/28/2015 2:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Miki, I'm really sorry that you are going through this with Bob. Of course there is no excuse for his behavior but there may be reasons. After spending six + years on this forum I can tell you that many, many men experience depression and/or anger as a result of urinary or (particularly) sexual side effects of their treatment. Of course lashing out at one's partner is not a healthy reaction but it may be the way he is coping with this.

One thought - is there some scenario that could have him blaming you for his predicament? I say this because my wife tells me that it's a male gender thing to sometimes want to blame others. Of course I'm sure she is not talking about me, but I suspect other males may have this issue! In any case, does he think you pushed him into the treatment choice and he is now taking his frustration out on you? If so, counseling for this is way above my pay grade but it might be an angle for the two of you to work through.

I wish you the best as you resolve this and I'm sure there are many folks here who can sympathize and, perhaps, empathize with your situation. I suspect that if the SE's subside, so may the anger...

Jim

P.S. You mentioned the caregiver's thread. You might want to post there as well to see if some of the female caregivers have ideas for helping you.
Forum Moderator-Prostate Cancer. Age 62 (67 now), G 3 + 4 = 7, T1C, PSA 4.2, 2/16 cancerous, 27cc. Brachytherapy 12/9/08. 73 Iodine-125 seeds. Everything continues to function normally. PSA: 6 mo: 1.4, 1 yr: 1.0, 2 yr: .8, 3 yr: .5, 4/5 yr: .2, 6 yr: .1. My docs are "delighted"! My journey:
http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=35&m=1305643&g=1305643#m1

WilliamGary
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2015
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 2/28/2015 6:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Sending a hello your way:

My dad was treated successfully for prostate cancer, but he never got over being a "cancer victim". He became depressed and it was ugly. He connected with a therapist and he became somewhat better.

It was very interesting, prior to his period of treatment and recovery, my father was always a very laid back kind of guy. My mother had a very demonstrative personality (she wore the pants in the family). However, when my father became ill. He could make he do anything he wanted. She waited on him like he was a king!

I truly believe that he thought the cancer would come back and could never enjoy life.

If this goes on for an exaggerated period of time, you both need to consider a therapist.

William Gary

Post Edited (WilliamGary) : 2/28/2015 6:16:53 PM (GMT-7)


bluebird123
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 469
   Posted 2/28/2015 6:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Unfortunately, PCa and the side effects of treatment take a bite out of many marriages. While my husband has never been abusive, he withdrew in ways and communicating with him about sensitive issues was like walking on eggshells. Three months after surgery was when it was the worst. When my husband becomes upset he just loses himself in spectator sports (more than usual).

There is a new normal after surgery and it is a huge adjustment. My husband is the patient of an ED specialist (Dr. Mulhall) who guided him through a rehabilitation program (PDE5i drugs and trimix injections). Without this guidance my husband would have been psychologically lost. It was only partially successful. My husband still has issues, and Dr. Mulhall continues to provide him with medical and psychological support. If Bob is lashing out because of frustration with ED, getting the best medical care for it that is available in your area might help him both medically and mentally.
7/12 PSA 5.2
8/12 Biopsy, 7 out of 12 cores positive, 5% to 70%, 6 cores G6 and 1 core G7 (3+4)
Age 61, diagnosed and treated at age 59
RALP October 2012, Gleason 3+4, negative margins
Continent

ChrisR
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 806
   Posted 2/28/2015 7:01 PM (GMT -7)   
He is probably pissed off that he had his life screwed by cancer. Tell him he was organ confined gleason 6. His chance of dying of prostate cancer over the next 30 years is about 0. I was mad for a long time that it has ruined my sex life and other things. Ask him if he would rather be fighting more aggressive disease or would he take what he has and move on? Otherwise I would tell him to get over it and get his crap back together and be thankful he isn't "dying" of this cancer or going to.....It's time to give him a reality check. He go the best possible outcome you can get from this. I was robbed of my sex life at 42. He got 10 more years then I did. He should be glad he has you....ask him if he would like to try dating with this....Take it from me.....he doesn't want to.....people run when they find out you are a cancer survivor let alone when they find out you have to fight ED.....His life could be a he!! of a lot worse.....

sheepguy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 2/28/2015 7:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, boy howdy, there's a new perspective from ChrisR. LOL
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