Posted 9/23/2016 9:35 PM (GMT -6)
Can't really discuss "purgatory" as it's intended for my long term use of it as nickname, as it would involve some pretty technical religious dialogue.
Yes, it can be a "purging" or cleansing, but it can also be a place, or even a state of being, for the sake of a better word, "limbo".
I live in two distinct realities. In the first, and I assume it's the "real" world, I spend 18-20 hours awake and existing (living) while facing continuous pain. Even on the best days with all the meds working, lowest pain level is a 4. On most days, it drifts to 7-8 regions, and can stay like that for hours. In the second world, it's a world of horrific nightmare and deeply troubled sleep, it's a place of constant toil and conflict. The mind demons when I sleep have the channel selector, and will switch the torment to whatever it thinks will get to me the most.
Sometimes, the dreams are emotional heart-breaking events, others are end-of-the-world stuff, in particular volcanoes and/or tornadoes up close, another repeat themes is my father being alive again (been dead for 23 years) and he's being his normal cold, heartless, and abusive self, and finally, a final common thing - is me being killed or dying. You name a way of being murdered, and I have experienced it in the past year. Stabbed, shot, throat slit, thrown off buildings, ran over, etc. And in those dreams, I do die - all the way. I feel the life ebb out of my body, and I return to a dark and empty nothingness, and feel completely alone from the universe. It's so real, then I wake up terrified. Sometimes, despite trying to stay awake at that point, I drift off and return to the exact place I left off.
So its world 1, or world 2. I really don't like either, but its the lot I have drawn. I have, and I am, seeking professional help - thus recently acquiring the moderate-to-severe PTSD dx, and more recently the dx of "Double Depression". Not sure I am depressed, just tired of being tormented around the clock with little to look forward to.
Oh, I still have metastatic PC, and the joys of all the disabling damage and side effects. But I am suppose to be happy to be alive, isn't that what everyone says?