Posted 10/29/2016 6:19 PM (GMT -6)
Jim, once I make it to the ship, I will probably be ok. It's the 4 hour plus drive to the terminal that is the ordeal for me. I remember VP-8, I spent most of my Navy time in VP-17 and our sister squadron VP-50. We will be in port in Bermuda for 2 1/2 days, should be plenty of time to see much of such a small island.
81, the descriptions you posted were right on target. It was the most in-humane and invasive test I have ever endured. I wanted to abort many times during it, but held tough, as I desperately need the results. What made it worse, the doctor thought he was doing me a favor by endlessly telling lame jokes - ones that you could tell he had told a thousand times, I guess to distract me. I finally told him to stop, as I would rather handle the pain and fear on my own in my own way. Some of the jolts were minor tingling, some nerves, damaged ones - didn't respond at all, but the big ones given in really sensitive areas - hurt like holy hell. The worse part was the fact that he had to re-do all the zaps the technician screwed up doing, so its like I had to go through it twice. The needles were all painful, and I am not remotely shy of needles, but getting zapped via a needle is a different animal. Yet I survived to fight another day. 5 days later, I still have severe leg pains from some of the needle insertions
trail guy, My PTSD is a strange combo, finding out childhood abuse from age 4-18, then morphed into physical abuse in the service, that morphed into intense medical trauma and spending the past 6 1/2 years with severe chronic pain. As my therapist says, I have never had a break, and I associated all pain with fear, and all fear with pain, a vicious catch 22. Add in extreme poor sleep abilities combined with horrific nightmares if I do sleep, and its easy to see where my mind finally broke down and caught up with my broken body. It's not going to be an easy fix, but I am working hard at this newest attempt to "save" myself, from myself. If I really listened to my inner voice, I wouldn't still be here to post.
This will sound like utter nuts to anyone reading this, but since I have been so open and shared so much, I will continue. If what I write either bothers some one, or if it makes any one run from me, so be it.
A few weeks ago, I noticed late at night, that I was hearing morse code out of my left ear, took me a while to figure out what was going on. Thought it was the tv, or the constant ringing in my ears (all my life), but it wasn't. It was clearly old fashioned morse code.
I know that sounds funny. It's always the same pattern, dot dot dash dash dash, then dash dash dash dot dot, which translates to 2/8. The significant of 2/8? Being having repetitive nightmares that tell me that I will die a painful death on 2/8/2017.
Of course, I realize that it can't be real, but its becoming very convincing regardless. Yes, my doctors are well aware of what they consider auditory hallucinations.
Until this happened, I hadn't even thought about morse code in over 40 years. It just keeps repeating the same pattern over and over and over.
Another reason not to take advice from me, lol.