@ Doire, Thank you for your many comforting posts over the past couple of months.
@ Mary, I have been so grateful for your helping me to muddle through this by sharing your own experience. Today I wondered if I would ever feel truly happy again. Our lives have been so consumed by fighting this disease, planning everything we do around treatment and now just trying to get through each day. We have tried to not allow cancer to define us, but after almost seven years of treatment, it's hard to shift focus for more than brief periods of time. I know that Gary is not having regrets about
the life he's lived, and my regret right now is that he is so restless and uncomfortable. This is not what either of us had imagined. It's after 1:00 am, and he just made his way to the recliner, even though he's had percocet and morphine. We both thought he would be sleeping through this journey to the end. I think upon Gary's passing, I will ask everyone to just let me sleep!
July 21 (barely). I think Todd and Mandy may also be awake. If I recall correctly, they are being entertained by Matchbox 20 and Counting Crows last night. I hope they get to see many more concerts together.
Over the past two days Gary has become increasingly delusional. He knows me and family members, but most of what he says is nonsensical. He is talking a lot in his sleep, and tries to make conversation when he's up, but his memories and awareness of reality are leaving him. It was just Monday this week he was visiting a friend and fully lucid. I talked to his sister today about
his mental decline and the reality that the man we know and love has left us. In reality we did more crying than talking.
I am still able to give him a glass of water or tea if I take it from him after he sips it and set it down. I've had to feed him what little food he's been able and wanting to eat. Usually just enough to get medication down with some solids.
I almost always need to help pull him to a standing position when rising from bed or chair. So I keep thinking that he will be too weak to get up on his own, and then he proves me wrong!
I had the granddaughters over for a bit this afternoon, and I was playing with the baby when Isabella said "Grandma, P Paw is up!"
Sure enough Gary is headed out the bedroom door, dragging his catheter bag behind him on a mission. So I jumped up and went over to him asking where he was headed. "I'm going to the bathroom. I have to pee. And you're not going to get in my way."
Can't argue with that! He sat down on the toilet for a bit, and then I helped him back to bed.
A few people have talked about
having a hospital bed brought in during the final days. I was not keen on the idea of having Gary leave our bed, and no one from hospice or home health care had suggested it to me. My sciatica is not just suggesting, but demanding an alternative. So I asked about
one yesterday, and my back will be rewarded in short order. I can put it next to our bed, and still sleep near Gary.
Tomorrow afternoon a physical therapist is scheduled to come over and help us with transfer methods. I can't even begin to articulate the appreciation I have for the compassion and assistance I have received from the hospice and home health care team. Someone has checked in with me or come by to assist every day since they came on board.
I think they are our little hospital's crown jewel.
Post Edited (celebrate life) : 7/21/2017 3:15:23 AM (GMT-6)