I have also had a good bit of trouble with depression. Most days I feel good and am thankful that I have the surgery behind me and my first post op PSA was 0.0.
But periodically, I get depressed wondering if my Gleason 10 and positive margins mean that the cancer will come back, disappointed that I am still incontinent (when standing or walking) six weeks after surgery, and distressed as to whether or not I will ever regain sexual function (some resonse to 100 mg Viagra but only about
25% of a normal erection.) Basically our lives are at risk, our dignity is taken away, and our manhood is threatened. What a lousy disease.
I think that there is also the fact that my problems go on and on. First I learned that I had PCa (in 09/06.) Next I spent seven weeks researching my treatment options, selecting a surgeon, meeting with the surgeon, and scheduleing the surgery. I had my surgery in early 11/06 seven weeks after my diagonsis and then spent about
five weeks at home recovering from the direct effects of the surgery before returning to work. At that point you feel like you ought to be done and recovered but in reality, although I look fine and normal to my friends and co-workers, I am still battling incontinence and impotence. It just goes on and on.
This emotional stuff just bubbles up inside sometimes and pours over me. Like many men, I am not good about
opening up about
my feelings and emotions even to my wife (I know I should.) For some reason, I can in this chat room some of the time. I am not sure why but it does help.
This is tough stuff. We just have to hang in there. We aren't in control of most of these things and we just have take care of the things that we do control. For me that has included my treatment decisions, improving my diet, more exercise, and getting my legal and financial affairs in order (morbid I know but this again gives me some control and makes me feel like I have done my job to take care of family.)
Most of the time, I am handling all this OK. It is only sometimes that I get overwhelmed by these thoughts and feelings.
Sorry if this is a downer. However, if you read a thread with the word "depression" in the title you are taking your chances.
DIAGNOSIS: 09/25/06. Age 49. PSA 4.6. PSA free 2%. Clinical pathology: Gleason 10. Stage T2a.
SURGERY: 11/08/06. RP at Johns Hopkins. Surgical pathology Gleason 10. Stage T3a (positive margins.) Negative seminal vesicles, lymph nodes, and bone scan.