support....or lack thereof

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 172
   Posted 1/16/2007 9:35 PM (GMT -6)   
    This thread is the result of a brief interchange that Raheeb and I had on another posting regarding lack of support thru this ordeal. I am not writing this looking for sympathy or by any means to downgrade my other half. Maybe it will open some other eyes to an important aspect of this ordeal that I personally found lacking. When I first recieved the results of my biopsy I contacted my wife immediately, we both knew in the back of our minds it was going to come out as cancer. She took the news over the phone very matter of factly and said we would discuss when we got home. At home no tears, no hugs just a matter of fact discussion about doing research prior to a meeting with the surgeon (several months down the road yet). I find it strange that my wife had really no desire to let everyone know. I did because I believe in the power of prayer and thought the more people on my side the better. I think that is because she gladly welcomes the weight of the world on her shoulders, she thrives on helping others. But in my case it felt that my situation would be a burden to others and she could just not have that. When we did meet and tell people she would give me her patented look, like don't bother them, and quickly change the topic to ask others about their problems and how she could help. All along her attitude was, you have a cancer that is highly cured, so why are you making a big deal out of it. Sorry but as I have posted before, my father died of cancer at age 60, which now I may believe was prostate cancer, my Mother died of cancer at 64 and I had a brother die when he was 15 from a brain tumor. So as you can see it was a big deal to me.
When we went in for surgery, the requisite 2 hours ahead of time there were no tears, hugging or any other emotion. Just another day another surgery. When I look back I think I did get a peck on the cheek when they wheeled me to surgery. Out of surgey again no outward sign of emotion (god when I write this it sounds terrible). I won't go into after surgery care too long.
When we went to get the catheter out, I also got my prescription for ED drugs and a brochure on a Vacumm Pump. Not once after that did the pump ever come up, she has yet to ask how I am doing in regard to penile rehabilitation. I don't think she wants to know. One comment made earlier looking at possible after effects of surgery being swollen testicles, she said "don't expect me to help with that".I did not even tell her I got the vacurect and god help me if that info should ever get out to anyone. God help me anyway for writing this because this would not go over well with her. As I told Swim my wife is very private and considers our life just that. That is why I went looking for a site like this and I am so glad I found it. Somewhere where you can have frank discussions and not worry about the outcome. You can see why I jokingly asked M.Kat to marry me. Reading posts from wives that 100% supportive and look for creative ways to help their men through this recovery kind of makes me jealous. I don't know what to do. After reading the above it certainly appears I made my wife to be some kind of ice cold person, Maybe this is her way of dealing with things. We have been married for over 34 years. Yes if you do the math I was 18 and her 20 at the time. How many guys do you know marriied at 18 this long. I hate to throw it away but I am young enough to start over. I have tried to get her to counseling but she would never have discussions with outsiders regarding us. I really apologize for this I could go on for hours. But as Pete says it good to get this down in writing because it does help. Thanks for listening.
Diagnosed March 06
PSA 4.4
Two biopsies. One core of each 5% cancer, two suspicious
Gleason 3+3=6
DaVinci surgery Nov 1, 06
Cancer confined to prostate
Ist PSA 6 weeks post op less than 0.02

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 883
   Posted 1/16/2007 10:44 PM (GMT -6)   

Hey, don't feel alone.  I know exactly how you feel.  No support regaining the sexual function here either.  I guess some women just don't get it...or want it!!!!

Good Luck....KW

    PSA 5.7 - Discovered during Annual Physical with Family Practice Dr.
    Gleason 7
    Biopsy - 3 of 12 positive (up to 75%) all on left side of prostate
    RRP on Oct. 17, 2006 - Nerves on right side saved.
    All Lab's clear.  No Cancer outside prostate
    Cathiter in for 3 weeks due to complications in healing. Removed Nov. 9, 2006
    First Post op PSA on Dec. 11, 2006  Undetectable 0.00
    Next Office Visit Feb. 12, 2007

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 741
   Posted 1/16/2007 10:46 PM (GMT -6)   

Daveed, you are killin' me.  Cancer is a lousy deal even with all the support in the world.  It's lonely enough when those you love and count on are there for you.  I guess that's why we are here.  We love and count on each other.  My experience is not as unhappy as yours, but this disease has not helped our relationship.  I am envious of those who report a stronger and better marriage as a result of their cancer.  I admire your courage in being open and forthright about this issue.  I hope for the support of those more fortunate than you.

Good On Ya' My Friend,


Gleason 3+3=6, T1c, one core in twelve, another pre-cancerous.
62 years old and good health.  Married 37 years.  To same woman!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 818
   Posted 1/16/2007 11:53 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi daveed,

I certainly wish that I had some words of wisdom for you that would change things, but I don't. As I get older I've come to realize some people are just born lucky, and then there are some of us that have to face difficulties that don't seem fair. Some times when I start feeling bad for myself I remember that my dear friend of almost 48 years is suffering a terminal illness. Even though his time is growing short he has maintained an attitude which I'll have to describe as heroic. No self pity, no recriminations, and a sense of humor that is totally disarming.

When I consider the chance that I've been given to live a normal life I feel embarressed, and ashamed at having indulged in so much self pity. I wish there was enough time for everyone to meet, and know my friend. He has been an inspiration to me, and I draw strength from his courage.


Diagnosed at age 60
PSA went from 2.2 to 3.8 in 14 months
2 of 14 cores positive at 10%
Gleason 6(3+3), negative DRE, neg. boundaries
DaVinci surgery on 02/23/06

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 621
   Posted 1/17/2007 10:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Daveed - Thanks for deciding to post this thread. I am sure there are others out there feeling unsupported. We truly don't know how we are going to deal with these things until they are tossed in our path.

You know your wife best, and she does sound very private. I wonder, though, is she reacting this way out of fear . . . sometimes people kind of bury their head in the sand in a "this isn't happening" kind of way.

Thirty-four years is a long time . . . .just don't make any quick decisions until you are completely through the recovery from this journey with PC.

Thanks again, for barin your soul. . . . you are helping many others whether they be active, lurkers, or just quiet.

;o) Linda & Bob
Bob (60) had laproscopic prostate surgery on Sept 27, 2006 - 2/12 malignant biopsy samples - gleason 3 + 3 = 6.  Follow up PSA results and pathology results received Nov 14th are NO MORE CANCER!  Gleason changed to a 3 + 4; cancer completely confined to prostate; (even a second more agressive, previously undetected cancer)      PSA UNDETECTABLE.   Next PSA check Feb 27, 2007.
Bob also takes Hydroxyurea to control Polycythemia (elevated red & white cells & platelets) has secondary condition . . Myelofibrosis) -- If anyone has experience or knowledge of these, please post us.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 741
   Posted 1/18/2007 10:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Daveed - oh man. I expected more responses. Maybe everyone else is doing a lot better. This is an incredibly tough deal. You have responded to me so wonderfully. I encouraged you to begin this journey and I don't know how to participate. Thats 'cause I don't have the balls to air my dirty laundry. I don't know where to go from here. I think the world of you.

Gleason 3+3=6, T1c, one core in twelve, another pre-cancerous.
62 years old and good health.  Married 37 years.  To same woman!

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 411
   Posted 1/18/2007 11:17 PM (GMT -6)   
like bill just said, lots of people have read this thread, yet very few responses.

I have read it a couple times, but i don't know what to say.

i can say that with us it has kinda been like one person collapses and the other is the pillar, and it goes back and forth. I was super strong for a couple days, just in the "well, we have to figure out what to do" mode, and then the crying my eyes out mode.

kind of like ying and yang. sometimes i lose it, sometimes he does. sometimes we both do.

I can't offer any expert advice on your situation. Maybe she is trying to be strong for you? i don't know? 34 years is a long time.

the part about not telling anyone seems unhealthy for both of you (to me) .... but like i said i am not an expert. I rely on not only this forum, but my girlfriends. He talks to buddies about it (he has a few from vietnam etc, that he talks to that have had it). and of course both our families know about it.

like i said i don't know what to say except blab on about our situation. which probably doesn't help you.

So, like i said don't know what to say. I am sorry.

But I DO KNOW that i think it is great that you shared that and got it out there. That i am sure of.
Signficant Other diagnosed: 10/30/06 (age 63)
PSA: 3.7 (up from 3.4 prior year)
Gleason: 3+3
Biopsy: 1/10 positive, 5% cancerous, right apex.
Treatment: DaVinci.  Sheduled late February

ed from pa
Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 42
   Posted 1/19/2007 3:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Daveed, you are in our prayers. Especially for your wife. You will do well Daveed. By the looks of your diagnosis. The doctors seem to have gotten the cancer at the prostate. It is your wife I am concerned, what she has is far worse than cancer. Your wife needs help and refuses to acknowledge she has a problem. Marriage is not a fifty fifty proposition. It is 100% on both sides. You two really need to seek a good counseler. Some where down the road communications has broken down between the both of you.
cancer is a killer, as you well know Daveed. There is no such thing as a mild case of cancer!!! You should never never underestimate your enemy. Because his job is to take you out, period... The cancer i am reffering to is the kind thats eats at you from the inside out, it is inoperable, only you have the cure for it. It is like an alcoholic, an alcoholic will never ever admit that he or she is an alcolholic and will stay an aloholic until the alcohol kills them. I know, my father was one. But, if an alcolholic looks himself in the mirror and says I am an alcolholic, that is the first step to recovery. What i am trying to say Daveed, your wife must first admit, that she has a problem with the martial relationship. Somewhere along the line she has become distant from you, for whatever reason. That is why the both of you must seek counseling for your marriage to progress in a positive attitude. Life is too short to ignore one another's problems. I am married forty one years, and still cannot believe it.
My family will be praying for the both of you. For you and your wife, that you both will regain that loving relationship you once had.
Your friend -Ed from Pa
Jesus Christ Big C
cancer small c

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 626
   Posted 1/19/2007 10:59 AM (GMT -6)   

I have also read this thread several times and have not responded until now.  Daveed, you should not feel that you are alone.  While my wife has been supportive and has been open with friends and others about my PC she just does not understand the personal impact that having had PC does to you.  As I realized and was depressed about before my surgery I would never be the same again.  Just that fact is such a downer that it takes interacting with those that have been there to get your self esteem back and that is why this forum is really a family to those of us that have been active on it. 

As to the interest in helping the recovery from ED my wife has been there for me and I think that most wives would be that way.  Daveed, I am not sure what I would do if I was in your situation.  I can not even offer up a recommendation.  Knowing my personality I would probably meet it head on but that is just me.  Before the surgery one of the fears that I had was that the after the surgery our relationship would change.  That could have been me making the change as well as her.  While I have had days of concern about the impact to our relationship it has not changed and if to any degree it has brought us closer. 

My hope is that your relationship with your wife will rebound. 


Diagnosed 7/6/06
1 of 10 core samples, 40%
Stage T1c, Gleason 3+3
Da Vinci on 11/01/06
Catheter out on 11/13/06
56 Years Old
Post Op Path
Gleason 3+3
Approx. 5% of prostate involved
Prostate Confined, margins clear
Undetectable PSA on 12/18/06
No more pads as of 1/13/07

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 56
   Posted 1/19/2007 12:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Daveed, i like the others am not qualified to give you any guidance on this the pro,s will have to deal with that, but mate you have let it all out to us on here, if i was in your position and i emphasise "i" i would have it out with her, you surely know each other well enough to be able to talk and let her know how you feel, no one deserves to go through this alone, what have you got to lose, 34 years is a long time i know ( been married nearly 27 Myself ) but im sure if she really knew how you were feeling she would come round.
Looking at it from another angle and no one else has touched on this, ask yourself these questions do you love her? does she still love you? is it worth saving if she doesnt care for you ? im sure there are many other things that you should ask yourselves but it sounds like its dragging you down and its not good my friend, you sound like you are recovering very well and you need something to look forward to in the future be it with or without your wife you need to go forward and get on with your life theres plenty still out there.
Hope i havnt offended you or anyone but im a great believer in saying it as you see it and if something isnt right in your life get it sorted and quick because as we all know life is to short and we have all been given a second chance here so lets make the most of it.
Fortunately i am one of the lucky ones as i am sure many of you are also and have a great wife and family behind me, but lets not forget lifes not always a bed of roses and the same thing can happen to each and any one of us at any time.
We are all here if you need us and i wish you well in the future my friend.
Mike ( London Uk )

M. Kat
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 715
   Posted 1/19/2007 12:40 PM (GMT -6)   

I wish I had an answer for you that would fix everything. I think part of your wife's response is from fear. We are afraid that you will die. we are afraid of cancer. we are afraid of how we should reacte to this new challenge and what we should or shouldn't do or say. has she ever been one to have frank, open conversations with you? if not, then this would definitely not be the time to start. maybe if she knows how desperate you are to make your marriage work, she would consider counseling. I have only cried once in front of Jeff and that was during the pre-op, but as soon as the tears came, he said "stop that now" because he started crying, too. I know that Jeff is going through a tough time right now with the ED (because he won't use the pump for rehab and has put me off when I've wanted to be intimate), but I know that we'll get through this. at least he doesn't tell me NO all the time. :-) thank you for sharing from the heart. Some wives have posted where their husbands have been very standoffish. I know you will find your way on this road.... hugs to you! kat
Husband Jeff 56 years old diagnosed July 27, 2006
PSA 6.5, 2 positive areas in biopsy, Gleason 3+3=6
Radical Retropubic Prostatectomy August 30, 2006
pathology report - all clear - cancer gone
1st post-surgery PSA test 0.1, 2nd post-surgery PSA test 0.1
no more pads Oct 12, 2006
first "real" erection with use of pump 12/16/06

Pete trips again!
Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 1/19/2007 1:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Daveed, Like the others, I've read your post over and over along with the replies you have received. It's a tough one to resond to. I beleive most folks here really want to give one the right answer but none of us has it. I am a little different than most here because I didn't join the group before or even shortly after surgery, it was over 3 years when i found ya'll. I know most of you probably read some of my posting, talking about getting severly depressed and hiding in my own little private hell while my family fell apart all around me. My wife even described it better than I did seeing it from her point of veiw. If there's one thing I've learned from this monster we call P.C. its that it affects everyony differently. All of us have different pesonalities, so to say something like "I'm dealing with it, why can't you do the same?" Just ain't going to fly because we all react so differently to any given sittuation. There is no real right or real wrong, nothing is cut & dry. Just like the treatments we choose to fight the monster can be so different just depending on the opinion and personality. I had a radical so you should too! There are wars raging all over the world because one side beleive their God is right and the other side's God is wrong. With that said, maybe your wife beleives that how she is reacting is the only logical way to handle the monster, ignore him. I wish I had an answer for you and everyone going through these type of problems. They say over 50% of marages fail, I guess we all can't be right. I will say a prayer for you Daveed and your wife too. I'm sorry if I didn't make any sence, like I said, it's a tough one.
Your freind, Pete
53 years old, Surgury, Radical Prostatectomy 8/20/03, PSA 6.6, Gleason 3 + 3 = 6, Adenocarcinoma extent (moderate) Stage & Margin:T2NOMX, No Metastases, Organ Confined, bone scan: Neg.  

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 2542
   Posted 1/19/2007 4:46 PM (GMT -6)   

Yes ~ this Thread… is a few days old as I type my posting…. is a topic that truly doesn’t deserve a quick response! 

And when you look at it being posted in the evening of the 19th… and within 60 hours….

11 “very thoughtful responses”… are posted…..

it’s well worth the wait!!!!!



Daveed ~ this forum allows us to be courageous!!!!! 


And that’s what makes this forum so powerful ~  and makes us all such close friends…. 


Each and every one of us are dealing with our own “specific” stepping-stones that have been placed in our path on this journey….. and even when we can’t fully grasp…a specific topic… we can always empathize with those who are dealing with sensitive issues.


We can be here to listen.


That’s what friends are for!!!!!!


It takes only “1” special thought or word to trigger us into taking action on many things.  Hopefully ~ something said here on this thread will help guide you to a stone that will help you to understand why she’s reacting in this manner….  or come to the realization that this has always been her manner and now when you’ve needed the most support ~ it is not there.


You have a lot to think about and what better forum to do it in!!!

A forum where others are dealing with…

the exact same disease

the same exact decision making process

the same exact healing/recovery process

YET….~ each different in so many ways. 


Don’t ever apologize or be embarrassed….for sharing from the heart!!! 

This is the best therapy….talk it out and get feedback… good/bad/ugly.

It allows us to see so many different scenarios. 

And this will help you….to find a peaceful stone! 


Stay with us and know that we care!


Keeping you extra close in our hearts, thoughts, & prayers.

In Friendship ~ Lee & Buddy 

mama bluebird - Lee & Buddy… from North Carolina

Link to our personal journey…>>>     Our Journey ~ Sharing is Caring 

April 3, 2006  53 on surgery day

RRP / Radical Retropubic Prostatectomy with "wide excision"

PSA 4.6   Gleason  3+3=6    T2a   Confined to Prostate

June 29th ~ PSA Less than 0.1 Non-detectable

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 357
   Posted 1/20/2007 4:36 AM (GMT -6)   
Daveed, I know where you are coming from.

My own situation has been a mixed bag of support, at best. Some of the highlights (or lowlights, rather):

- my wife disagreed with the surgeon I chose. A friend of hers used a surgeon at USC who has an excellent track record, but he does not do robotic surgery. He also is retiring sometime this year (I had my surgery in July 2006). I am not sure it makes a big difference what surgeon one chooses as long as one chooses a competent one, but I wanted someone that did robotic (once I learned about it), and that emphasized coming out of surgery with negative margins (the USC guy emphasized having erectile function and bladder control first, I thought, and negative margins second). Part of her reasoning, I believe, was her friend is a leader in her religion (our faiths are different), and she wanted to hold a successful surgery up as some kind of testament to her religion. She failed to see that in the end I had to be comfortable with the choice of surgeon and fought me on it.

- during my hospital stay, she was constantly at odds with the hospital staff over trivial issues. One doesn't need that when they are trying to recuperate and be treated, and I was constantly wondering if I was getting good care as the doctor and the hospital staff often seemed agitated by the interactions with her by the time they got to my room

- we have a young child and my mom offered to come help take care of me after surgery. due to some complications, my planned stay of 1 to 2 nights turned into 5. my wife allowed my mom to stay and help with my daughter when I was still at the hospital, but then asked her to leave one night after I got home. as you can imagine, without other support in the home, i was looking forward to some from my mother, but my wife made that difficult

- after surgery, she questioned again my choice of surgeon, as it became clear i would not have immediate return or erectile function. what a time to start with that idea! i decided prior to surgery that if i came out alive and cancer free and without erectile function and with bladder incontinence, it would still be the right decision. she repeately threw out the idea that if i went with the other surgeon, i'd have no problems. of course, her friend that used the other surgeon was one of those few guys that has few post surgery problems. i'm trying to look forward toward my recovery, and she is playing the second guessing game.

- being made to feel bad about the possibility of bladder leakage when i sleep, to the point that i decided to sleep in another bed and use pads and deal with it, rather than any guilt trip over messing up "her bed", "her linens", etc. i had to decide, unfortunately, that it was more important for me to focus on recovery than deal with that kind of guilt. not to mention similar weird comments about having to use the pads, calling them diapers, referring to what was blood in the pad after catheter removal as fecal matter... and, of course, a lack of support at the beginning to try sex for fear of embarrassing leakage or failure to get an erection.

I could go on, but this post is already way too long. I'm sure there are others out there that have had similar experiences but hesitate to share them, for a variety of reasons. Thanks for opening this thread, though. It is good that many of the men here get what sounds like excellent support from their significant others, but someone needed to speak for those that don't. Our recovery is important, and I think one has to find support wherever they can and not let others hold them back on the road to recovery. But we have to get through it ourselves (not that significant others don't have issues to deal with). I am reminded of a line in a song by one of my favorite bands, the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

"lost in the valley without my horses, no one can tell me what my remorse is"

I've likely said too much already, so, that's it for now...
Prostate cancer diagnosed:  May 15, 2006 (age 40)
Gleason score:  3+3=6
daVinci radical prostatectomy:  July 25, 2006
size of tumor:  approx 1.1 inches
post-surgery Gleason score:  3+4=7
negative margins from surgery
number of pads/day at 3 months after surgery:  3 to 5
number of pads/day at 4 months after surgery:  1 to 2
first post-surgery PSA:  0
ongoing post-surgery treatment:  Cialis every other day, Viagra "on-demand", ErecAid pump daily

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 118
   Posted 1/20/2007 11:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Okay, I've hesitated to respond to these messages because my initital reaction is to want to smack around these selfish wives, but that would not be constructive. Plus I have to admit that I have at times been a selfish wife - not to this degree, I can honestly say. But there have definitely been times when I put my self before my husband's needs. And I regret that so much now. I've cried over it and asked his forgiveness, and have assured him that when he's able to "perform" fully he's not going ot know what hit him.

Daveed, in one of my earliest posts you responded to me, I believe it was the day after you'd had your catheter removed. At the end you made a comment about your wife, "my wife can go more than a couple of weeks without (sex) so no loss to her right now." It stuck out to me because so many of the wives on the board were anxiously awaiting their husbands' return to normalcy in that area.

While I was doing my housework yesterday I kept thinking about your predicament. You mentioned that your wife welcomes the weight of the world on her shoulders, and thrives on helping others - but she's not doing that with you. I would guess it's because it doesn't get her as much attention helping you than others. I'm not saying that she doesn't have some desire to help others, but a lot of times when someone really "needs" this, a lot of the motivation is because of what it does for them and their ego. I would guess that there have been plenty of times in your marriage where she has sacrificied for the needs of others at your expense, especially in the area of time and emotional attention. You see, she's SUPPOSED to take care of you - there's no glory in that. But to take care of OTHERS, that's a sacrifice, and everyone notices and thinks how wonderful you are.

I'm not suggesting that to belittle your wife. It is very easy for any of us to slip in to that. We're human, and we like to look important. My husband and I are very involved in our church, and there have been times that we each have put too much focus in to ministry and not family, and we've learned through the years to balance that.

The problem is, this is who your wife is, and I'm sure it's been that way for years. This is the dynamic the 2 of you have established and lived with (maybe even comfortably?) for quite a while. A leopard doesn't change it's spots - at least not without serious help. We're dealing with that with my dad. My brother has been frustrated with my dad not being more proactive in his fight with cancer. Finally I told him that our dad has been that way all of his life, choosing the path of least resistence, just walking away if it gets too tough. You can't expect someone who's been a turtle all of his life to turn in to a lion.

I know that sometimes people have some kind of epiphany in a dire situation, step up to the plate and change for the better. But the truth is, these kind of situations usually just magnify what we are - good and bad. There's a saying I heard that says "Circumstances don't make us what we are, they reveal what we are." Your battle with prostate cancer has shown a bright light on some negatives and weaknesses in your marriage, that have been there all along, that you have been willing to live with and have contributed to, at least passively. I think it would be unfair of you to expect your wife to turn from a turtle in to a lion in such a short time.

I do, however, think you should be painfully honest, and let her know that you are aware of these failings, and are not willing for your your marriage to continue this way, that her willingness to ignore the situation is not an option you can live with if she wants the marriage to survive. It doesn't matter if she's private or not. A divorce certainly wouldn't be private - I'm sure she doesn't want that. Do everything you can to get across to her that you mean business. If she is as emotionally stunted as your description implies, you're probably going to have to really push it for her to crack.

You said you believe in the power of prayer. Find a counselor that will be honest and counsel you from God's perspective, and go without her if you must. Let her know that you are going to share EVERYTHING. Perhaps she will be worried about her own reputation enough that she will want her side of the story to be heard!

But just as you prayed over the cancer and your treatment, you need to pray that God will break her and soften her heart, and open her eyes to her selfishness. It may take a while, but He can do that. (And wants to!)

Okay, enough of my preaching on that.

Raheeb, I have no idea what religion your wife is, but I would have to say that pretty much any religion advocates compassion and servanthood. And while I'm not an advocate of throwing in someone's face the fact that they may be being hypocritical in how they live out their faith, I think maybe you could put it in such a way to make her stop and really take at look her actions and motives.

For instance, you could sit her down and say you're concerned with how this situation in your life has affected her faith, as evidenced by her worries over your choice of surgeons. She'll probably deny that. Ask her if her God is so small that His abillity to heal you can be hindered by your choice of who did the surgery. Did her God say, "Oops, I missed that one - Raheeb picked the wrong guy and now I'm powerless"? Does her God not hear HER prayers because of who YOU picked as a dr.? That's ridiculous. In that kind of thinking she is insulting her own God - no matter who that is. You said that she wanted to hold up a successful surgery as a testament to her religion. If that's the case, using the wrong surgeon really puts her God to the test, and will make Him look even more awesome when He heals you!

I think you could also say (ina very gentle way), "Honey, I know how important it is for you to emulate the actions of (Jesus, Jehovah, Mohammed, Buddha, etc.) You seem to really be struggling with accepting the whole incontinence and intimacy thing. How do you think He'd handle it?" (Hopefully her God would be nice about it). Hopefuly that will get her thinking. IF NOT, I would get extreme. Tell her that you feel that this is bringing to light some weaknesses in your marriage, and that you 2 need some help to get through it. Then tell her you are willing to go to a counselor of HER religion. Make sure it's a guy, so he'll be more sypathetic to your plight. I can't imagine a man from any religion who wouldn't encourage a woman to be sensitive to her husband's needs during prostate cancer recovery.

If she gives it enough thought, she may be convicted enough about her behavior that she wouldn't want another believer of her faith to know she'd blown it, and will changer her behavior accordingly. (Let's hope).

I know this is a long post, and these ideas may be totally stupid. I read an article the other day about how stressful situations inhibit healing. When we get in to a conflict, it releases a chemical in our body that causes inflamation, which hinders healing. It said every conflict sets you back 1-2 days. You 2 living in a state of conflict (or at least angst) can't be good for you. I hope the comments and ideas from everyone help.

husband Jeff 45 years old, diagnosed 8/25/06
PSA 2.1, 2 of 12 samples at 3% & 4%, involving 1 side of prostate
Gleason 3+3=6 in both samples
laparoscopic radical prost. 10/17/06
cancer in both sides of prostate, positive in one area of margin
first PSA in 1/2007

Post Edited (2busymom) : 1/20/2007 9:47:26 AM (GMT-7)

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 2542
   Posted 1/20/2007 11:35 AM (GMT -6)   

Becky ~ what a powerful and heartfelt posting.  Well worth the wait!!!!!!!

Thank you~ Thank you~ Thank you~


All I can say is WOW…. You nailed it !!!!! 


This post could not have been shorter… and it sure isn’t stupid!!!!  And it isn’t in any way “darning to the wives”…. It is just honest… point blank & to the point!!!!


We have always believed in the power of positive thinking to keep the body healthy…  …. And this article you read adds credence to our beliefs.  Can you share the article with us? 


Daveed and Raheeb…..  With both of you reaching out as you have….. you have just opened the door so wide………..  Thank you for trusting all of us!!!  And your sharing truly shows how much you care!


What a wonderful forum!!!!!

In Friendship ~ Lee & Buddy

mama bluebird - Lee & Buddy… from North Carolina

Link to our personal journey…>>>     Our Journey ~ Sharing is Caring 

April 3, 2006  53 on surgery day

RRP / Radical Retropubic Prostatectomy with "wide excision"

PSA 4.6   Gleason  3+3=6    T2a   Confined to Prostate

June 29th ~ PSA Less than 0.1 Non-detectable

Post Edited (bluebird) : 1/20/2007 11:24:45 PM (GMT-7)

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 1/20/2007 12:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Well stated!

Diagnosed 6/2/06, at age 63, DiVinci surgery on 9/21/06, PSA 3.6, Gleason 3+3=6  revised to 4+3=7 after pathology,  11/27/06 PSA undetectable.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 621
   Posted 1/20/2007 6:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Bec - amazing post! Hopefully Daveed and Raheeb will take some of your suggestions to heart! They at least know we all care about them!
;o) Linda & Bob
Bob (60) had laproscopic prostate surgery on Sept 27, 2006 - 2/12 malignant biopsy samples - gleason 3 + 3 = 6.  Follow up PSA results and pathology results received Nov 14th are NO MORE CANCER!  Gleason changed to a 3 + 4; cancer completely confined to prostate; (even a second more agressive, previously undetected cancer)      PSA UNDETECTABLE.   Next PSA check Feb 27, 2007.
Bob also takes Hydroxyurea to control Polycythemia (elevated red & white cells & platelets) has secondary condition . . Myelofibrosis) -- If anyone has experience or knowledge of these, please post us.

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 411
   Posted 1/20/2007 6:25 PM (GMT -6)   
what a wonderful post bec!
Signficant Other diagnosed: 10/30/06 (age 63)
PSA: 3.7 (up from 3.4 prior year)
Gleason: 3+3
Biopsy: 1/10 positive, 5% cancerous, right apex.
Treatment: DaVinci.  Sheduled late February

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 316
   Posted 1/20/2007 6:58 PM (GMT -6)   
I have tried to support Curtis through all this, but found myself much more upset about it than he was and he ended up supporting me.  We did get a lot closer, hugging and kissing a lot more...been married 40 years so not that much of that anymore til something like this comes along to remind you how short life can be.
I did bring up the erection part of this a lot because of the old saying " use it or lose it", but he wasn't interested til he became continent again so I dropped the subject.  I hope I supported him in the best way possible, but unless I ask him outright I'll never know.
Daveed maybe your wife tries to support you in the best way she knows how to.  Making it seem like no big deal to keep you from being so upset.  Maybe inside she was a basket case, but held it inside...You should have a talk with her about it and see what she says.

Curtis, 63, Diagnosed Aug 21, 2006
Gleason 3+3=6, 3+4=7
PSA 4.10
Bone Scan Negative!!
DiVinci surgery done Oct 3, 2006
Catheter out Oct 11, 2006
After surgery T2C and cancer found on both sides instead of just one.
Pathology report came back clean!!!
First PSA test came back undetectable on December 7, 2006!!!!

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 474
   Posted 1/21/2007 9:22 AM (GMT -6)   
Beautiful post, Bec! Sometimes, it's a fellow layperson who can offer the best insights - as opposed to professionals. Being in a marriage means being part of a strong team. It should be a soul bond that encompasses everything - passion, friendship, respect, love, humor, and so much more! It doesn't mean you have to be perfect - but you should be perfect for each other. And then, there's the "through thick and thin" part. Life is waaaaaay too short to not enjoy all those qualities in one person! A spouse or SO is your support system - somes the coach, sometimes the listener - and vice versa.

No words of wisdom, other than I hope you (daveed and raheeb) will uncover the support that you need right now. Cancer, even in recovery, is the traumatic blow we all dread. Don't feel selfish for expecting more.

(And what a team you all have here!)
Husband age 65
PSA on 5/1/06: 4.2 (had doubled in 13 mos. and rising monthly)
DaVinci Surgery 8/2/06
T2a (at biopsy)
T4c (at pathology) w/cancer cell leakage into fatty tissue
Post-Surgical PSA on 10/3/06 - undetectable!
Update: 11/1/06 - perhaps bladder neck involvement; 30%-50% chance of recurrence
Future: PSA tests twice-yearly for now

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 234
   Posted 1/21/2007 11:47 AM (GMT -6)   

Daveed, Your post has moved me to the point of tears. Daveed God bless you for sharing this very personal situation.  34 years is long time to be married I have made it 37 years. I don't know if your wife knows how you really feel or not, and just how much you are hurting. I can't believe if she really knew, that she would behave this way unless she honestly doesn't care. I don't know how your relationship was up to the point of getting the prostate cancer. The fact that she would go ballistic if she knew about this support group indicates she has other personal issues going on in her life pride being a big one. You are very articulate with your words and if you can't talk to her about it maybe you should put this all in writing and give it to her in letter form. Since you have indicated at this point you are very close to chucking the marriage, it sounds like you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by letting her know how you really feel. It is a true statement you are "young enough to start over" and as a single male over 50 that doesn't drool or slobber, impotent or not you would be a very hot item in the over 40 female market.  It would be better not always easier if you can work things out with the woman you have now, however sometimes it is just not possible.  I hope and pray that you will find the strength to carry on with life which is full of trials and difficulties along the way. We can't get by in this world on our own strength. We all need something or someone stronger than ourselves and stronger than any other human when we can't overcome what we are faced with.  I believe this is a universal "feeling or intuition" that has been placed within each one of us by the Creator so we would recognize our need for God and call on Him. We have all had dark hours, and for me in my darkest hour I met Jesus Christ. He has never let me down, since then He has never failed me. He has not always answered the way I wanted Him to like with this cancer. I do not wish to offend anyone with my belief and faith in Jesus Christ, but to not tell it I would be a liar and a hypocrite if I didn't say so and it is just the way it is for me. My darkest hour was in 1979 it had nothing to do with health issues and only had to do with myself and relationships. I was only 30 years old and I am not going into any details but it was more devastating than any illness I can imagine or have ever experienced. I hope and pray you will find the right spiritual counsel and will seek it. Your wife is behaving in a very unsupporting way for reasons we on this forum can only guess at. I don't know where you are in spirtual sense.  I have some literature you may find helpful. I would be glad to mail you if you are interested email me personally.    

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