I just read your post and if you are waiting for further (scanning) test results pre-op, this is truely a terrible and anxious time for you as a wife. I am not sure this will help, but I could relate to your anxiety as I have a background in health myself. For me as a wife in this situation, the extra knowledge and my background made the experience very hard at times - especially waiting for any test results. I did not share all of my fears with my husband if he did not need to know (I later did), but it was stressful, that's for sure for me. We also have a young child, and it was the very last thing we ever expected to happen. I have even worked in a urology ward in the past, and had flashbacks of what I had seen there. Not good.
Like you, I also nearly made myself sick with the amount of time I spent scanning the internet, so I think it is perhaps your heath professional background that makes you tend to expect the worst, and that you have just already seen a lot of the "worst" in your work - not related to this condition necessarily, which is actually hopeful (full of hope), in its range of effective and long-term treatment options for all stages it seems. The more you know however, the better you will feel however information-wise, about
Prior to surgery, our doctor suggested to my husband that I (ie. we) give up the Pca research also, but the good part was that after we joined this forum, the Dr was atonished at how informed my husband was, and it made it easier in the end to make decisions, and to find the information we needed.
My husband and I have still not stopped researching this condition however - although we did have to have several breaks and do it in stages. We had to take lots of those "Bluebird" (Our moderator's) deep breaths and slow down our thinking at times. We still have periods of anxiety 3 months post-op, and have to step back, and stop reading for a while even now.
I have not cried since my husband has had his surgery, but I spent most of the first 5 months beforehand after his diagnosis crying myself to sleep long after he had gone to sleep, so this is sad to hear of your tears, but it is normal, believe me. They too will end. You are not going to fall apart, but it is very hard at the beginning.
Waiting for tests or results now is probably the most frightening part of it all. I sincerely hope it passes quickly and that you have good news soon. I am sorry this is long-winded. Take care & wishing best positive thoughts for any test results. Lana
Lana posting for husband CJ (49 years). First PSA 3.5 (Nov 06). Open Radical Prostatectomy on Tuesday 17th April 2007. Gleeson 3 + 4 = 7. Confined to prostate. PSA 0.01 (June 07)