husband doing okay but i'm sinking

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lifeline
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 10/20/2007 9:19 AM (GMT -7)   
hi to all my friends: last time i posted in aug. rob's psa had dropped to 68 as of the end of sept. his psa has dropped to 58. dropping is slowing down compared to june when he went from 404 to 104 in july. does this mean that it will automatically start climbing again soon? he's happy it's still dropping while i am looking to the next step and having trouble staying positive about this. i know i should just be thankful it's still dropping but i worry. rob had another round of iv zometa last week and this time they had a hard time using a vein on his hand so they put the iv in side of hand. this is the first time i have seen him grimacing so much from how much it hurt. watching your partner in pain is so hard to see. does anyone know of any other way to have the iv put in without hurting him so much. we both dread these visits now. i had to leave the room after for a few minutes to gather myself emotionally.  i felt like i had let him down having to leave the room. he says i didn't but i don't feel the same way. i lost my job last month and now finances are really tight with barely being able to keep up his extra supplements. i am feeling like a failure since up till then i was able to get him everything extra to give him the extra edge in this war. i'm having a hard time pulling out of a depression, pills doc gave me aren't doing much, i cry a lot, and can't shake this failure thing. my confidence is sinking and i find it hard to go out of the house. to all of you wives who have had to gain employment due to your husband's illness how do you get a job and keep it when you don't know when or how much time you will need to take off work and still keep your job, especially when you are a new employee. do you tell your employer from the start about this or do you just start and hope for the best. been a long time since i had to look for a job. i worked for 6 years at this last one.  i find myself counting down the months that the doctors gave us as survival time and waiting for the next bad thing to happen. since this whole thing began i've tried and most of the time succeeded to be the strong one for him and now i'm having such a hard time doing this. don't know how to pull out of this. just writing this i'm sitting here bawling. i have to get it together for him.  sorry guys to be such a downer but feel i can reach out to all of you. please help me hold onto hope. i love living in the north but not being closer to large cities where it's easier to get to treatment centers or just other oncologists for other opinions is hard. we are really limited and especially now, travelling is out of the question. as we all know nothing in this life is free.  gordy, i'm so happy for your good news. congratulations and keep fighting. you are a real tropper as are the rest of you. thanks everyone for all your help. you are all in my prayers. lifeline

myman
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1219
   Posted 10/20/2007 10:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Lifeline,

Did you get my email? I sent it yesterday...please check.

You've been handed a most difficult set of circumstances, as I read your post I feel so sad for you. This guilt is not good in any way shape or form.
At times when I wonder about Don's future, his future with me to be specific, I travel down a road that causes me great distress and it sounds like that's where you are. When I get that way, I think, "Am I giving him the right foods, is he getting the right supplements, the right treatments, are the Doctors really right or maybe there's one more doctor we should check with to see if he has a different method of treating him" ...on and on and on I go until he looks over at me and says "What's wrong, honey?" Usually I say, "Oh nothing, just thinking." It's a tough hurdle to get over but you can, you have to. I don't go there too often now but I can't say I never will. Guilt & fear are sneaky and non-productive.


Just some thoughts, please keep in mind I don't know your complete situation, but sometimes taking some action can get you in a better frame of mind:
about employment - I guess I would not reveal my husband's circumstances right away until I needed time off. It's probably not what you'd do in an ideal world but that's just the way it is right now.
Is it reasonable to consider moving?
Are there any programs to help you with his needs? Contacting a cancer center can help or perhaps lead you to help.

Lifeline, some of the things you feel guilt over or worry about you can do nothing to change them. Acceptance in itself bring some relief.

I hope there's some resolution for you - please continue to post. You have my email.
Susan
Husband Diagnosed 11/17/05 Age: 63 No Symptoms
PSA: 7.96, Positive DRE
Biopsy Right: 6 of 6 Cores Positive Biopsy Left: 1 of 6 Cores Positive
Gleason: 4+3 = 7 Stage: T2B N0 MX
3 mo. PSA Post LRP Surgery: 11.8, 12.9, 13.9 Bone scan, CT scan, Endorectal MRI, Chest XR - neg.
09/06/06: 6 mo. PSA: 18.8 Distant lymph node involvement Start HT Lupron 3 mo. shots
12/06/06: PSA 0.8
03/07/07: PSA 0.3
06/06/07: PSA 0.1
09/05/07: PSA 0.1


War-eagle
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 219
   Posted 10/20/2007 12:36 PM (GMT -7)   

Lifeline,

I too have been given the dreaded news that what I have cannot be cured. It's like being hit by a bus. But it is important that both of you understand that the only time that matters is right now. Your time together. Spend it in love, not worrying about how much is left. That day may never come. Faith and prayers have been my wife and my staple. We thrive on each other. You can do the same. Cherrish each and every day. I will add you both to our prayer chain. God will not give you a burden to heavy for you to carry. Have faith that your husband will be healed. Fight the battle together. You have to fight the depression, I have been there. It's like a bubble that surrounds you and no feelings can get in or out. Only your love for your husband can break this bubble. Everyone here loves you both and will all we can to help.

I get a Zometa infusion every month. They start my IV in the forearm. No pain. I have had it started in the back of the hand and did have some minor pain with that.  See if thay can change the location. Some nurses just feel more comfortable starting IV's in places that they have the most success. I know this, I live with one.

Susan is right about the battles that take place in the mind. They do no good. Trust what you are doing or find alternate options, but when you make your decisions, trust them. There are so many treatment options that you can't try them all.

You are in our prayers,

Walt


Age: 54
PSA 43 7/2005
Biopsy 12/14 Gleason 7 & 9
Divinci 9/2005 - spread to bladder
HT - 10/2005 (Eligard every 6 months)
RT - 10/2005 (38 treatments)
PSA 0.12 to 1.9 2/2007
Bone Scan and CT 4/2007
Casodex 4/2007
Spread to Spine (L4 & T5), rib, and pelvis
Zometa infusions 4/2007
PSA 4.8 8/2007
PSA 4.9 9/2007
PSA 5.4 10/07
 
"I will persist without exception - I will find a way where there is no way"


Cedar Chopper
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 432
   Posted 10/20/2007 1:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Lifeline,

Keep us posted.
You never know from where your best unexpected help will come.

Holding you close in warm regards.

CCedar
ICTHUS!

2 Years of PSA between 4 and 5.5  + Biopsy 23DEC06 
Only 5 percent cancer in one of 8 samples.  +  Gleeson 3+3=6
Radical Prostatectomy 16FEB07 at age 54.
1+" tumor - touching inside edge of gland.  + Confined:)
Pad Free @ 14 weeks.  Six Month PSA <.003  :)
At 6 months, ED treated with Pump Exercises & 50mg Viagra Daily
Texas Hill Country FRESH Produce Department Manager
Have you had your 5 colors today?


Gordy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 528
   Posted 10/20/2007 1:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Lifeline-

First of all, thank you for your kind words about my "good news". But, I'm not the trooper you think I am - just really don't want to die and am trying to have positive thoughts although it's very hard to do and am eating all kinds of things which are supposed to be good for me, but which I really don't like. And, BTW, I really don't believe in my heart of hearts that my "good news" is not a fluke. I "know" the stuff will hit the fan on the next CT scan or the one after that.

I have many years of experience with depression and with the meds there for. I have learned over the years that one has to experiment with different anti-depression meds until the right one for you is found. And once you have the right one, then the dosage has to be adjusted - I'm now taking twice the dose of Effexor I took for many years.

You absolutely should not feel guilty. You also have to take care of yourself, else you'll be no good to either one of you. I agree with Susan's advice about telling a potential employer about your situation.

I know that Susan had some very important advice in her e-mail to you - follow it.

-Les
1/2005 Dx PSA 26.5 Gleason 7 (4+3) @Age 61
1/2005 Start Casodex and Zoladex
PSA drops to <0.01 AND REMAINS THERE TO THIS DAY
7/2005-8/2005 5 weeks of IMRT and then HDR brachy
1/2007 Rad Oncologist orders CT scan of pelvis
because of complaints of pain in both thighs
MRI confirms pain not caused by cancer BUT
1/2007 CT scan of pelvis picks up a nodule at bottom of left lung
5/2007 CT scan of lungs shows 1/2007 nodule has grown and
there are numerous nodules on both lungs.
6/2007 Thoracic surgeon removes wedge of left lung for biopsy
6/2007 Path report says 95% chance of metastatic PCa, but she's
never seen cells like this before.
7/2007 2nd opinion at M.D. Anderson in Houston.
They confirm: mutated PCa, very rare, but seen there 2 or
3 times. Recommendation: have CT scans every 6 weeks
and watch for change. At that point start chemo and will
survive for 22 - 24 months thereafter.
PSA STILL UNDETECTABLE

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