I’ve been contemplating surgery since a flare that started in the Spring of 2006. It’s not a decision that I’ve made snap judgment on. My next step in investigating is talking to a surgeon. It seems logical to make that step now. Why wait until I’m sicker? There is lots of homework to be done – and with my background, I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up writing a short report on the subject. Shoddy research is a pet peeve. I want to know my options and understand them. Being able to use this forum as a sounding board to make sure all bases are covered is reassuring.
I’ve considered Remicade and will also talk to my doctor about that. My concerns are that there can ALWAYS be another flare then. Will I continue with the anxiety about when the next flare will start? I really don’t want to be tethered to the Remi or other infusions every so many weeks for the next period of my life. I’m honestly tired of paying for and taking meds. It’s very selfish, which is my right, but I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m tired of having the “pharmacy” in my purse. I can handle toting around a couple of doses of Tylenol, but Immodium, Darvocet, Asacol, Imuran, Bentyl, etc. is getting to be a bit much.
Here are some more of my thoughts:
Why should I wait until I’m so week that I’m losing several pounds per week and can barely function? Why should I endure intense pain that dulls my thinking and makes me irritable? Why should I endure more misery when there is life to be lived? Why should my body endure more prednisone (and other medication) side effects?
Relaxing is a hobby of mine. A Saturday/Sunday afternoon nap is one of life’s great pleasures. I don’t want to nap because I have to – because I can’t function without the sleep – I want to nap because I can!
Food has always been another passion. There are few things better than a great tasting meal enjoyed with family and friends. Or even a wonderfully prepared snack. Why should I spend my time fearing how badly some tasty treat is going to hurt me?
I’ve been neglecting much of what I think I should be doing – the things that define part of who I am. My job is suffering, which disappoints me, and I also hate to see my boss disappointed. Several days in the last few (flaring) weeks, I have to leave early – just stating that I have to go, I can not stay longer. This is also after coming in late because mornings are so miserably tough. I have a major deadline next week and I can’t even think straight enough to follow basic steps from my training – I feel like a scatterbrained fool. My marriage is suffering slightly as well. My husband is going through a major maintenance outage at work and is on call 24/7. He’s stressed because of that and because I’m sick. I’m supposed to be supporting him though his tough times too. Thankfully, hubby and I know this is temporary. Once again however, why should our quality of life diminish because I have a defective colon?
I still must have talks with hubby and friends/family about options. A major surgery isn’t something that I’ll consider without having their full support behind me. I have learned one thing from being sick: Asking for help isn’t a weakness.
Now, I’m off to relax on the couch with the remote and the dogs for another half hour before bed. I’m wishing for a full night of healing, restful sleep.