Just a small vent (pity party?) for me

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

78SilvAnniv
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 289
   Posted 4/18/2008 10:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Husband has been very supportive.  Usually.  Until yesterday.  When I wanted to kill him.
 
I had a horrible, horrible day yesterday with my symptoms.  6 BMs between midnight and noon, (looks like I slept between 4-9:30am with BMs at begining, middle and end of sleep time) 10 BMs between noon and midnight, unable to catch a  nap in the afternoon, D like water shooting out my end, scrambling to get to the toilet before I make a mess in my unders, bottom burning like it is on fire and TP feeling like sandpaper. 
 
After such a horrible day, I had still vaccumed and cleaned up the kitchen and was cooking dinner when he came home from work.  He asked what I had done and I told him I hadn't done much because I'd had an awful day.  He then comments, as he's walking down the hall to undress and take a shower... "wish I could stay home all day and do nothing."  
God help me, but I wanted to hurt him!
 
I was so angry!  I wanted to scream at him that I didn't choose to have these problems and I'd much rather be healthy and able to do more and get outside the home for yardwork or part-time work, anything that didn't have me sitting on a toilet for hours and hours every day.
Then my eyes narrowed down and I just wanted to run him out of hot water.
Instead, I had to go to the bathroom, yet again, and had a good cry while I sat there.  Hey, at least the TP was handy to blow my nose.
 
I understand that he is frustrated, too...but how can I tell him that his attitude isn't helping me?  I don't have a choice, the only thing I can control is how I meet this challenge, and his snide little comment just undercut the dirt out from under the tiny hill I was standing on.
Maybe I oughtta just spoon my backside up against him and let one rip.  All over him.  'Oops, clumsy me!'  Think that'd make an impression?  :D
Silver
 
I have the ability of single-minded determination and accurate project focu....Hey, look, a cat!
 
UC is pretty darn crappy, but if you can't laugh at yourself, you'll cry. 
I'd much rather laugh.


ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 4/18/2008 10:59 PM (GMT -6)   
(((Silver)))

I've nothing to say, Silver, just support and sadness at how discouraging other people can be at times.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.


quincy
Elite Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 30506
   Posted 4/18/2008 11:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi...sounds as though you answered your own question.....just joking (letting one rip (even though it would be a most awesome revenge)).
Just tell him that it hurts your feelings that he's made your situation into HIM being a victim.
And even through your hurt, you realise he has more important issues to state...so why not say them. It's better than being mean and purposely hurting you while you're already feeling down.

As hard as this is....try not to make yourself a victim of him....ask him what really IS the problem, because it's not about the house cleaning and your "free" time to doing nothing.

Hope it works out.

quincy
*Heather*Status: mini flare Dec 28... tapered to every 4th night
~diagnosed January 1989 UC (proctosigmoiditis)
~5ASA: Asacol (6 daily) + Salofalk enemas (increase for flares tapered to maintenance)
~Bentylol (dicyclomine) 20mg as needed
~vitamins/minerals/supplements 
~Probiotic 3(Natural Factors Protec) bedtime + 1 (Primadophilus Reuteri) occasionally
~multi-digestive enzymes as needed ....zymactive 3 - 5x daily
~Ranitidine,Pariet (reflux) Effexor XR 75mg;  Pulmicort/Airomir (asthma)
~URSO for PSC (or PBC) 500mg X 2 daily (LFTs back to NORMAL!!)
My doc's logic.. "TREAT (FROM)BOTH ENDS"  worth it !!!


Red_34
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 4/19/2008 7:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Sounds like you need to have a good long talk with the hubby. Explain to him that the little backhanded critisms hurts you - sometimes men just don't realize that these little jabs can mean so much. No offense men - but they can be clueless when it comes to women's emotions. For example, I was pregnant with my son and I was having self esteem issues because I gained 66lbs. I had a lot of cellulite on the back of my thighs and butt. So I asked my hubbys opinion - yes I guess it was a trap of sorts but hey I was an emotional wreck anyway. So jokingly he said it looked like cottage cheese. I gave him one long evil look, called him some vile words and went bawling to the bedroom. He then came in and apologized profusely because he didn't know that comment had hit a nerve so badly. He still apologizes for his rude remark to this day 16 years later! lol So maybe he just didn't realize that his comment would be taken such a bad way so you really should have a good long talk with him.
 @--->--SHERRY--<---@
Moderator for Allergies/Asthma and Co-moderator for UC
~Left sided Uc-'92-Colazal(9 daily),6mp(50-100mgs),Prilosec,Biotin,Forvia,Pro-Bio**Unable to tolerate Asacol, Rowasa or Canasa**~Allergies-Singulair
~Secondary Reynauds Syndrome-'04-Norvasc~Fibromyalgia-'06~Sacroiliitis-epidural injections
To help Healingwell - click here: DONATE
 
 
 
 

 
 


kb5
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 1015
   Posted 4/19/2008 8:14 AM (GMT -6)   
My husband is usually great about my illness but he has made the exact same comment several times and each time it leads to crying and aplogizing.

We have talked it out and his comment was not meant to hurt but was an expression of his own dissastisfaction with his job. I haven't been able to work consistently for two years and i know that it is hard on him being the sole breadwinner. He doesn't blame me for not being able to keep up the house as well or not being able to work but that frustration has to go somewhere. And i agree with Sherry that men don't realize how easliy their words can hurt us. Especially when you throw in steroids, hormones, and a little depression for being sick for so long.

So now knowing what my hubby's real problem is (his job) I have taken to looking at the classifieds for him while i am sitting on the couch in the am curled in a little ball.

Have a talk with him about it. if his attitude persists tell him that you too wish you could stay home all day and do nothing instead of spending your day in the potty. Though i am spiteful and would probably really start doing nothing. let the laundry pile up and the dishes go unwashed a few days and see what he has to say. ooh now i'm venting too! Feels good.

Big hug!
Kelly, 30

Left sided UC diagnosed 1/98 age 19, Pan colitis diagnosed 1/07
Currently on 4x3 Asacol, 5mg pred, 150mg Imuran
Prontonix once daily for acid reflux, zofran twice daily for nausea, darvocet for pain
Remicade started 3/1/08...just had 3rd infusion


FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 4/19/2008 3:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Why did you tell him you didn't do much? It sounds like you did a lot. Maybe you have to lower your expectations of yourself. Next time tell him "I vacummed, and did the dishes, and made you dinner.".... Because what you did on your sick day would be considered a lot on my healthy day lol. I don't cook and clean...lol.
26 Year old married female law student.  Diagnosed w/ CD 3 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD.  I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid.  For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn.  I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13.  I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium.  Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night.  I alos take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.
 
 


jujub
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Mar 2003
Total Posts : 10407
   Posted 4/19/2008 4:13 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you did a lot, too. When I was at my sickest, I kept working, but hired someone to do the cleaning. Hubby did everything else while I rested so I could go back to work the next day. And he worked full time, too. I think you're husband's getting a better deal than that.

Bet he just had a rotten day at work, though. Even when well, I've had some days at work when being sick seemed like it might be a better option.
Judy
 
Moderate to severe left-sided UC (21 cm) diagnosed 2001.
Asacol, Rowasa, Pentasa, Prednisone, Entocort, Azathioprine
Colazal,  Remicade, Nature's Way Primadophilus Reuteri. In remission since April, 2006.
 
Co-Moderator UC Forum
The information I share on this forum is based only on my own experience and study. It is important to consult your health care provider when making health-related decisions.


sodbuster19
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 343
   Posted 4/19/2008 4:13 PM (GMT -6)   
I had the same problem with my ex-wife. Back in 2001-2003 I decided to stop driving for a while and rest my body and just take care of the house and our 2yr old son. I still owned 2 trucks, but hired drivers for them. I went thru a few bad flares that lasted 4-6months at a time, and she made the same kind of comments. So, I called my doctor, and made her come with me. Then, I made her come with me and watch me get a colostomy. I had my Dr explain everything about UC to her at both my appt, and the procedure. I also had her step father, a DR explain UC to her. It did help a lot, but I know she still didn't fully understand.
But, it was better then what it was.

<FONT color=#0000ff>Bad flares Guniess & hot wings

Generic Colazal, 2 2xday
Acidophilus Probotic 3 times/day


78SilvAnniv
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 289
   Posted 4/19/2008 9:14 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sure he did have a bad day at work, and I know he is very worried about my upcoming surgery. His oldest brother died almost 12 years ago (cancer/chemo treatment complications; septicemia) and he is flat-out terrified of losing me, too. He usually is understanding, but he makes regular comments about me sleeping until 9 or 10am and taking naps in the afternoon. I just don't have the energy to drag myself around more than I do. I can drive places 3-4 hours after breakfast and before I have lunch, that is it. I only get about 5-6 hours of interrupted (BMs) sleep a night, so I sleep from about 3am-9 or 10am and try to catch a 1-2hr nap in the afternoon. I tend to have more energy late in the evening and that is when I prefer to do my housework, sometimes I can go to Wally-world for some shopping, but I greatly dislike WalMart. It is also nice to clean late at night because he is asleep and not coming along behind me and leaving more messes to clean up and we get up to a neat home.

He is usually very good at coming to me when he has behaved like a 'boob' and tells me so and apologizes. He has never apologized for those types of comments (sleep/napping and 'doing nothing all day') and I think maybe I do need to talk with him about it so he understands how it makes me feel. Truthfully, it makes me feel like if I'm going to be accused of it, I'd like to enjoy it and actually do (NOT do) it.

He has come with me to most of my Dr appointments, even cried over his fears with the Dr. My Dr luffs him and wishes most of her patient's spouses/families cared as much as mine does.
I have the ability of single-minded determination and accurate project focu....Hey, look, a cat!
 
UC is pretty darn crappy, but if you can't laugh at yourself, you'll cry. 
I'd much rather laugh.


bluepurl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 56
   Posted 4/19/2008 10:44 PM (GMT -6)   
good luck, *hugs* everyone here has given such great advice already. I think he probably had a bad day, and that's no excuse. and there's probably something else bothering him, and this is just sidestepping it, because it's less threatening for him to make a snide comment at you than really face whatever the real problem is. to me, it sounds like you did WAY more than most people would be able to in those circumstances.

some people have weird ways of behaving when they are under stress. does he have a support system for himself? It might help him to talk to someone else about the conflicting feelings he might have. or maybe there's a good book or two out there for the spouses of people with chronic serious illnesses? Maybe your doc can suggest something?

not sure if it helps, but I picked up these pampers sensitive wipes that are really awesome. much more soothing than tp. I use them before bed, after a day of whatever cheepie stuff my job stocks the ladies room with.
Get me a box of kittens, stat!
28 year old Jersey Girl
Asacol x 12, nulev x 4, generic rowasa at night
Thought it was IBS since 2002. Diagnosed left-sided UC 4/08. Starting SCD after Passover. Determined to get into remission before paintball season ends


UC spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 70
   Posted 4/20/2008 12:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Well, to give you a different perspective...I am on the same side as your husband. My husband was diagnosed with pancolitis almost a year ago. To be honest, it is an extremely difficult disease for everyone to adjust to. Including the spouse. It truly is a process one goes through when diagnosed with this disease. I think my husband and I were first in denial...thinking/hoping he was wrongly diagnosed. Then, accepting that there is no cure is absolutely devastating. And, then there is anger. Who do you get angry at??? It's nobody's fault, however you want to blame someone. You are angry at the disease, but maybe your husband is letting his frustration/anger out on you, when really he is angry with the disease.

We have a one year old...and many times I feel like a single mom. Your husband may have too much pressure being the only one working. So, with the pressure and frustrations of this disease...he may be taking it out on you. Which is not an excuse at all. We (the spouse) have to adjust to the new life presented to us, while you guys not only have to adjust, but live through it everyday with your own fears, anxiety, depression, etc. He may not get that. Perhaps you need to explain to him what u mean exactly when you have had a bad day. Give him details, so he can empathize.

Finally, after many months my husband and I are finally on the same page. At one point I was researching like crazy about UC and kept talking to him about my findings...after he had spent the majority of his day in the bathroom...so, you can imagine the arguments there. I thought I was helping and he was already fed up. So, make sure you guys are on the same page. He should understand what you are expecting from him emotionally when you say you had a bad day.

Anyways, my point is that you definitely need to keep the communication open, no matter how frustrated you/your husband gets...encourage him to talk before he reaches that point, so those hurtful comments don't get a chance to even come out of his mouth. Secondly, try to explain your day to him and compare it to something he would understand. My husband would give me examples of what urgency felt like.

Just understand that he is probably equally scared and frustrated about UC, however, tell him that does not excuse his words. I would strongly recommend he comes on this site. As a spouse, I felt even my closest friends did not have a clue what we were going through. Coming to this site was an excellent outlet for me...especially knowing I couldn't always even talk to my husband about my frustrations, b/c that would make him feel worse...which in turn made me feel more alone. So, this site is very comforting to me. Sorry for babbling, but I hope things get better. Good Luck!
Husband diagnosed with pancolitis in May 2007 at the age of 31

Predisone 40 mg for two months-every time weaned off, symptoms came back, Mesalamine(substitute for Rowesa)enema for 21 days-didn't see results in 14 days so stopped taking it, symptoms seemed to get slightly worse.
Xifaxan-on and off
Current meds. : Humira, Colazal 12/day, Probiotic-Align, Fish Oil
Has never gone into remission


DixieS
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 92
   Posted 4/20/2008 2:22 AM (GMT -6)   

 

My husband is a nurse, and it took caring for a patient with UC for him to "get it."  Well, mostly.  It really hurts though, when they don't. 

Sometimes I wonder if it is worse for us or them.  When I had my children, I wondered if it would be worse to sit and watch and feel helpless, than to experience pregnancy and birth.  Hmm....

Feel better!


Dixie
 *****************************************************
Diagnosed Dec. 2003  Ulcerative Colitis 
Currently in flare since 1/08
Sulfasalazine 3g/day             Albuterol 2x/day (Asthma)
Azathioprine 150 mg/day       Advair 500/50 2x/day (Asthma)
Entocort 9mg/day                
Asacol 400mg/day                              
Allergic to:   Rowasa, Demerol, Bactrim
                                 


78SilvAnniv
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 289
   Posted 4/20/2008 9:25 AM (GMT -6)   
UC Spouse, you made a lot of good points.  Some of which I will elaborate on... 
My hubby has always been the 'bread-winner' of our marriage.  My jobs have almost always been part-time and the money was my mad-money or I could add it to the account as I wished.  Hubby has also, always made a point (that really gets under my skin) about how he makes so much more money than I do and I feel it belittles, not necessarily me, but he seems to skim over the fact that I feel good/important when I work and he appears to feel my 'jobs' are not worth much consideration because the income is no match for his.  (In our marriage, I have worked as a librarian for a county library running a branch in a small town, worked as a sealer, sander, painter for a small home-made rough-log furniture company, secretary for a Sheriff Office Jail and secretary for a Sheriff Criminal Investigations Department.)  It really doesn't make me feel like trying all that hard TO work.  I do it to please me.  Besides, if I earn too much, it puts us in a higher tax bracket.

Anyhow, his father was the money-maker and his mother stayed home and raised all the (7!) kids.  She kept a super-neat house.  I don't.  I grew up rurally, I like having pets and don't live in a museum, I LIVE in my home.  It is slightly cluttered and lived-in, but not dirty.  Never will it be ready for Home & Garden to show up at a moment's notice with a photograper.

He has tried many times to get me to research online and I flat refused.  I must have been in denial.  It has only been recently that I have done so and joined this site, which has been helpful and I wish I had found it earlier.  He, on the other hand, would read frightening things and have no reference to draw upon to relate it to what I was going through. 
 
Whenever his comments about 'not doing anything' would get especially under my skin, I'd drag out my 'poop chart' and wave it under his nose.  I have kept this 'log book' of sorts since 3mo after diagnosis (3/2002) and I write down EVERY bathroom visit that causes me to have to wipe my bottom.  Anyone can tell at a glance how I've spent my day with the toilet. 
Perhaps my problem in that regard is me:  "why did you tell him you hadn't done much when clearly you had..."  I think I try to down-play the seriousness of my problems so he doesn't worry.  That may be giving him a false impression of how bad/well I am doing and cause him to expect more out of me.  I am not Suzie-homemaker or Betty Crocker.  His Mom was, and I just don't know how to bridge that gap to get him to accept me as me.  I am who I am and I cannot be anyone else.  Then again, he is also who he is.  *shrugs*
 
In spite of these differences, I feel we have a great marriage.  I am certain most of his snide comments are a direct result of the stresses and pressures he is under at his own job, in addition to worrying about me.  Now for me, I know I am too passive by far and will probably not bring up this subject to discuss specifically....but....I have been given a good tool (don't be victim to his victim, ask him what is really bothering him) to use and ask him what is really bothering him so he can get it out and not direct it at me.
Thanks, everyone.
I have the ability of single-minded determination and accurate project focu....Hey, look, a cat!
 
UC is pretty darn crappy, but if you can't laugh at yourself, you'll cry. 
I'd much rather laugh.


quincy
Elite Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 30506
   Posted 4/20/2008 10:46 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm going to add one more point......he cannot compete with your butt.
Try not to make it a competition regardless..try to see his perspective and deal with each issue independently...then see how it all works together.

Easier said than done. Hard to be empathetic (either of you) when you each suffer your own issues.

Keep us posted....

quincy
*Heather*Status: mini flare Dec 28... tapered to every 4th night
~diagnosed January 1989 UC (proctosigmoiditis)
~5ASA: Asacol (6 daily) + Salofalk enemas (increase for flares tapered to maintenance)
~Bentylol (dicyclomine) 20mg as needed
~vitamins/minerals/supplements 
~Probiotic 3(Natural Factors Protec) bedtime + 1 (Primadophilus Reuteri) occasionally
~multi-digestive enzymes as needed ....zymactive 3 - 5x daily
~Ranitidine,Pariet (reflux) Effexor XR 75mg;  Pulmicort/Airomir (asthma)
~URSO for PSC (or PBC) 500mg X 2 daily (LFTs back to NORMAL!!)
My doc's logic.. "TREAT (FROM)BOTH ENDS"  worth it !!!


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 4/20/2008 11:07 AM (GMT -6)   
I am from crohns but I wanted to say:
((((Group Hug))))


Forum Co-moderator

We will find a way, or make one.-Hannibal (crossing the Alps in the 15th Century on war elephants)
Praise in public, chew in private.
Make sure your suffering has meaning....
____________________________________
All suggestions/options/opinions are caveated with please consult with your local health care provider...


78SilvAnniv
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 289
   Posted 4/20/2008 7:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Quincy, you made me laugh out loud and scare a kitty off the desk!
Perhaps I should have a sign made up, or a t-shirt with the saying: "My butt trumps anything you've got!"
I have the ability of single-minded determination and accurate project focu....Hey, look, a cat!
 
UC is pretty darn crappy, but if you can't laugh at yourself, you'll cry. 
I'd much rather laugh.


bellski
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 499
   Posted 4/20/2008 8:36 PM (GMT -6)   

Sometimes we hurt the ones we love the most.  Hang in there.  Maybe he can go to the doctor with you and the doctor can tell him that uc makes you very tired at times.  I think it is good that you have this website to vent.  Even though my husband has been supportive, (I just found out one month ago that I have UC), it is so nice to be able to talk to people who really know what you are going through.  I hope he becomes more understanding, but if not, remember that we are all human and not perfect.  Take care of yourself.  Try not to get upset.  I don't know about you, but stress triggers my symptoms more than anything.  It is hard to get away from stress though.  Take care and I'm sending you a hug too (  ). 

Bellski


quincy
Elite Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 30506
   Posted 4/21/2008 1:25 AM (GMT -6)   
A good laugh helps...lol!

I need to clarify that if your time (his perspective) is spent focussing on your butt....he cannot compete, which kind of puts him in his place.

It might not be an issue of his not totally understanding what you're going through...but it might be that he misses his wife?

quincy
*Heather*Status: mini flare Dec 28... tapered to every 4th night
~diagnosed January 1989 UC (proctosigmoiditis)
~5ASA: Asacol (6 daily) + Salofalk enemas (increase for flares tapered to maintenance)
~Bentylol (dicyclomine) 20mg as needed
~vitamins/minerals/supplements 
~Probiotic 3(Natural Factors Protec) bedtime + 1 (Primadophilus Reuteri) occasionally
~multi-digestive enzymes as needed ....zymactive 3 - 5x daily
~Ranitidine,Pariet (reflux) Effexor XR 75mg;  Pulmicort/Airomir (asthma)
~URSO for PSC (or PBC) 500mg X 2 daily (LFTs back to NORMAL!!)
My doc's logic.. "TREAT (FROM)BOTH ENDS"  worth it !!!

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Wednesday, May 23, 2018 12:47 PM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,965,319 posts in 325,232 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 162954 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, lovestobake.
412 Guest(s), 7 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Michelejc, wibblypig, GuitarGERD, Ljm2014, NiceCupOfTea, goldengoose, iPoop