UC Spouse, you made a lot of good points. Some of which I will elaborate on...
My hubby has always been the 'bread-winner' of our marriage. My jobs have almost always been part-time and the money was my mad-money or I could add it to the account as I wished. Hubby has also, always made a point (that really gets under my skin
how he makes so much more money than I do and I feel it belittles, not necessarily me, but he seems to skim over the fact that I feel good/important when I work and he appears to feel my 'jobs' are not worth much consideration because the income is no match for his. (In our marriage, I have worked as a librarian for a county library running a branch in a small town, worked as a sealer, sander, painter for a small home-made rough-log furniture company, secretary for a Sheriff Office Jail and secretary for a Sheriff Criminal Investigations Department
.) It really doesn't make me feel like trying all that hard TO work. I do it to please me. Besides, if I earn too much, it puts us in a higher tax bracket.
Anyhow, his father was the money-maker and his mother stayed home and raised all the (7!) kids. She kept a super-neat house. I don't. I grew up rurally, I like having pets and don't live in a museum, I LIVE in my home. It is slightly cluttered and lived-in, but not dirty. Never will it be ready for Home & Garden to show up at a moment's notice with a photograper.
He has tried many times to get me to research online and I flat refused. I must have been in denial. It has only been recently that I have done so and joined this site, which has been helpful and I wish I had found it earlier. He, on the other hand, would read frightening things and have no reference to draw upon to relate it to what I was going through.
Whenever his comments about 'not doing anything' would get especially under my skin, I'd drag out my 'poop chart' and wave it under his nose. I have kept this 'log book' of sorts since 3mo after diagnosis (3/2002) and I write down EVERY bathroom visit that causes me to have to wipe my bottom. Anyone can tell at a glance how I've spent my day with the toilet.
Perhaps my problem in that regard is me: "why did you tell him you hadn't done much when clearly you had..." I think I try to down-play the seriousness of my problems so he doesn't worry. That may be giving him a false impression of how bad/well I am doing and cause him to expect more out of me. I am not Suzie-homemaker or Betty Crocker. His Mom was, and I just don't know how to bridge that gap to get him to accept me as me. I am who I am and I cannot be anyone else. Then again, he is also who he is. *shrugs*
In spite of these differences, I feel we have a great marriage. I am certain most of his snide comments are a direct result of the stresses and pressures he is under at his own job, in addition to worrying about me. Now for me, I know I am too passive by far and will probably not bring up this subject to discuss specifically....but....I have been given a good tool (don't be victim to his victim, ask him what is really bothering him) to use and ask him what is really bothering him so he can get it out and not direct it at me.