For fun...colonoscopy by Dave Barry....

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kops2da
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 2865
   Posted 7/26/2008 8:42 AM (GMT -6)   
>> Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal

>> ... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
>> appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
>> showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to
>> go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis
>> .
>> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
>> reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
>> really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,
>> 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
>>
>> I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
>> for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to
>> hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
>> suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
>> America 's enemies.
>>
>> I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
>> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
>> accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;
>> alI I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
>> flavor.
>>
>> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
>> powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
>> lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is
>> about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
>> about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like
>> a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
>>
>> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
>> sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel
>> movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump
>> off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is
>> a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you
>> ever seen a space-shuttle
>> launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the
>> shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
>> You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
>> violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must
>> be
>> totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which
>> point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and
>> start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an
>> action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
>>
>> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
>> only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
>> occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if
>> I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
>> that? Flowers would not be enough.
>>
>> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
>> and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led
>> me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a
>> little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
>> hospital
>> garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it
>> on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
>>
>> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
>> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
>> already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
>> their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this,
>> but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to
>> make it to the
>> bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
>> would have no choice but to burn your house.
>>
>> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
>> where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
>> see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
>> somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over
>> on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to
>> the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I
>> realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy
>> that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular
>> procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want
>> me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.
>> And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than
>> decade.
>>
>> If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you,
>> in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I
>> slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel
>> the beat from the tambourine ..'.. and the next moment, I was back in
>> the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
>>
>> Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
>> I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and
>> that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder
>> of an internal organ.
>>
>> about THE WRITER
>> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist.



68 yr. old granny
New UC (with rectal bleeding and diarrhea)- 3 months ago, colonoscopy showed mild
UC rectal and little above.
Using Proctofoam once a day - added Colazal 3X2
Probiotic Align
Prilosec for GERD
Inderol for hypertension
Xanax,Lipitor, multivitamin, calcium w/D
Finally seeing improvement 7/23/2008
 
 
 
 
 


bookworm21
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 1766
   Posted 7/26/2008 9:16 AM (GMT -6)   
LOL, thanks for sharing!
Female, Age 19, Dx w/ UC August 2007
9 Asacol, Rowasa1000 mg Canasa, Proctofoam, Rifaximin 2/day
Digestive Advantage (Crohn's & Colitis), 1 Florastor, 50 mg 6MP,1 Primadophilus reuteri, Remicade (3rd infusion 07/08), 2.4 g Lialda, 1 Forvia, 6 Colazal/day
*exploring the option of surgery
 


KIMEEEE
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 7/26/2008 10:16 AM (GMT -6)   
That was sooo funny tongue   I love Dave Barry
Female
 
Diagnosed with mild colitis Feb 2008
 
Asacol 400mg 2x a day
 
 
 


doors12
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 676
   Posted 7/26/2008 12:08 PM (GMT -6)   
"This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon."

Well apparently "MoviPrep" tastes quite a bit better than the stuff they gave me in the hospital - which tasted like lukewarm sweat (salty). Oh yeah, it was called Go Litely or something stupid.

Funny story
Diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis 6/2006 at age 26 after sudden E.R. visit
~Pancolitis (Mild to Moderate)
 ~I had Mono in 2000
On Colazal 3x3/day; Folic Acid 1mg; Calcium/Magnesium/Zinc combo
In remission about 2-3 months after E.R. but not back to normal!
 
~Interested in finding a cure/making sense out of U.C. and philosophical and psychological aspects of UC and "Stress" and Personal Development issues with Chronic Illnesses. 


GardenerJames
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 7/26/2008 10:43 PM (GMT -6)   
Dave Barry is a GENIUS!!!
And speaking of MoviPrep and Golitley, who the heck comes up with these names? Talk about Doublespeak. I wish someone would pay me to come up with easy sounding names "It'sNotThatBad - ema" "EasyClean" "Colo-rinse" "Intesti-cleanse" "Gentle Flush"
Or should I just go for it and be honest "Colo-tornado" "Mudslide-prep" "The eradicater"
James
Asacol 4 tabs 2x daily www.myspace.com/gardenerjames
Forvia once a day - Probiotic twice daily - Methotrexate 3 pills once a week - Actonel once a week
Calcium supp. - 1 mg Folic Acid daily - Omega-3 once daily
13th Remicade infusion End of April


kops2da
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 2865
   Posted 7/27/2008 9:06 AM (GMT -6)   

James - love your names best!!  They all should be banned by the FDA!

You know they can put man on the moon but never make a prep EASY or taste good.  ElaineNY


68 yr. old granny
New UC (with rectal bleeding and diarrhea)- 3 months ago, colonoscopy showed mild
UC rectal and little above.
Using Proctofoam once a day - added Colazal 3X2
Probiotic Align
Prilosec for GERD
Inderol for hypertension
Xanax,Lipitor, multivitamin, calcium w/D
Finally seeing improvement 7/23/2008
 
 
 
 
 


IndianaUC
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 212
   Posted 7/27/2008 4:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! Thanks for sharing kops2da. Yeah why can't they give us something that tastes good? The stuff I had to drink made me vomit each time. I barely got enough in me to do the job.
- DXed with "left sided" UC in 1998. DXed with "proctitis" Oct. 2007
- Sulfasalazine 4 500mg tabs twice daily
- 500mg Vitamin C, 1 Multivitamin, L-Glutamine
- Max Acidophillis EC Capsules 350Mg(7 types of bacteria with over 42 billion viable cells) with 50 Mg colostrum & 50 Mg FOS(fructo-oligosaccharides)
- Experimenting with this or that on occasion. Always open to new ideas.
- Colonoscopies - 2 (Due for my next one ASAP)


Snowkiter
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 7/27/2008 5:59 PM (GMT -6)   
HAHAHA!!!!!!!

When 'preparing' for my first colonoscopy i was seriously lagging behind in drinking that stuff!! i dont know how you guys do it! I ended up mixing the stuff in pint glasses at the local bar with two friends for moral support, Wai and the Bartender.... The other customers were certainly surprised at the volumes i was skulling in between a multitude of vodka shots!!
Glad to know im not the only one turning up rather unsteadily to hospital the next day...
Antonia 20yrs from New Zealand
Dx September 2007 w/ 20cm disease
Re Dx November 2007 w/ Pancolitis (severe)
Polycystic Ovary syndrome (mild)
 
Meds: 2x2 Pentasa, 100mg Azathioprine, 1x Pentasa supp's
         1250mg calcium, vit D pill once a month
         Yasmin (the pill but also used for PCOS symptoms)
Prev meds: IV Hydrocortisone 600ml, Pentasa enemas, steriod enemas, Prednisone (max 60mg)... seems to be pred dependant but currently off it and flaring badly...


jamo0001
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 75
   Posted 7/27/2008 10:02 PM (GMT -6)   
"How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers aren't enough."

Isn't that the truth. GIs and their staffs are truly saints. Think about all of the crap we put them thru!
James

21 yrs old, diagnosed severe ulcerative pancolitis 2 Mar 2007
Hospitalized 27 Apr-5 May 2007; 16 Jun-22 Jun 2008
Asacol (mesalamine) 400 mg x 12 daily
Remicade <--first infusion on 3 May 2007
Imuran (azathioprine) 50 mg x 4 daily
Iron, Vit C, Vit D, Zinc, and seemingly always on Flagyl
Eating fruits and vegetables like there is no tomorrow...

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