Posted 7/26/2008 8:42 AM (GMT -6)
>> Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal
>> ... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
>> appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
>> showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to
>> go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis
>> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
>> reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
>> really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,
>> 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
>> I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
>> for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to
>> hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
>> suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
>> America 's enemies.
>> I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
>> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
>> accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;
>> alI I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
>> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
>> powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
>> lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is
>> about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
>> about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like
>> a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
>> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
>> sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel
>> movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump
>> off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is
>> a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you
>> ever seen a space-shuttle
>> launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the
>> shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
>> You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
>> violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must
>> totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which
>> point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and
>> start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an
>> action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
>> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
>> only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
>> occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if
>> I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
>> that? Flowers would not be enough.
>> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
>> and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led
>> me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a
>> little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
>> garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it
>> on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
>> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
>> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
>> already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
>> their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this,
>> but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to
>> make it to the
>> bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
>> would have no choice but to burn your house.
>> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
>> where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
>> see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
>> somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over
>> on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to
>> the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I
>> realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy
>> that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular
>> procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want
>> me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.
>> And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than
>> If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you,
>> in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I
>> slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel
>> the beat from the tambourine ..'.. and the next moment, I was back in
>> the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
>> Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
>> I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and
>> that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder
>> of an internal organ.
>> about THE WRITER
>> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist.