Since we all need a little humor to get through our daily stuggle, here's a great email my hubby sent me. Obviously this was written by someone without UC, but its still funnier than hell...
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who
hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If t here are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom
to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COUR T ESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency poopin g goes off without incident. This group can help
you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you a re in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in
the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop whe n the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
the other bathroom attendees
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't
come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's
still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at
someone else's house.
The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it
falls into the water.
The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long
your le gs go numb from the waist down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're
trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush
the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
Katie, 30. Chicago 'burbs.
DX: Ulcerative Proctitis (10cm) January '08
Current Treament: Rowasa 60 ML 2X daily, Cortenama 100 ML 1X daily, Bentyl 20 MG (as needed), and multivitamin daily.
Diet/Exercise: Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD) as of 7/12. Daily yoga, walking, or cardio w/weights.
Previous Treatment: Canasa suppositories, Cortifoam, Prednisone, Colazal, Symex DuoTabs, Vitamins.
Status: Flare since diagnosis