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Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 742
   Posted 8/14/2008 11:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Since we all need a little humor to get through our daily stuggle, here's a great email my hubby sent me.  Obviously this was written by someone without UC, but its still funnier than hell...  smilewinkgrin

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who
hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If t here are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom
to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COUR T ESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency poopin g goes off without incident. This group can help
you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you a re in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in
the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop whe n the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
the other bathroom attendees


The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't

come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's
still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at
someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it
falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long
your le gs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're
trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush
the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.



Katie, 30.   Chicago 'burbs.
DX:  Ulcerative Proctitis (10cm) January '08
Current Treament:  Rowasa 60 ML 2X daily, Cortenama 100 ML 1X daily, Bentyl 20 MG (as needed), and multivitamin daily.
Diet/Exercise:  Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD) as of 7/12.  Daily yoga, walking, or cardio w/weights.
Previous Treatment:  Canasa suppositories, Cortifoam, Prednisone, Colazal, Symex DuoTabs, Vitamins.
Status:  Flare since diagnosis

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 2148
   Posted 8/14/2008 11:26 AM (GMT -6)   
lol, that is too funny and so true! I'll have to try the toe tapping, the worst is when i am about to let it out and the door opens and I know it is going to be symphony of destruction!
Beth, 32 ~ hoping to taper pred successfully, wish me luck!
Major Flare Sept/Oct 07
UC dx'd 03/00 (Proctosigmoiditis); Pancolitis since 09/07
Azathioprine 200mg 1xday nightly; Calcium and Vit D 500mg 3xday, Multi Vit, Folic Acid 400mg 2xday, Prilosec, Probiotics.
Minimal Change Disease (Kidney Disorder) dx'd 09/07 - partial remission since 03/08
Prednisone 10mg 1xday, Simvastatin 20mg 1xday, Diovan 160mg 2xday. Tekturna 300mg 1xday, Fosomax 70mg 1xweek. MCD may be from hypersensitivty to 5ASA drugs.  Do you have edema? If so, check your blood protien level!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 8/14/2008 12:04 PM (GMT -6)   

I'm sitting here at work right now trying SO HARD not to laugh, that was the funniest thing ever and SO true. Nice post :) Thanks for the mood lifter

Female, 23, Ulcerative colitis (pancolitis) diagnosed at age 15; GERD; gastritis; osteopenia in femur head & lumbar spine from long term prednisone use. 

Current Meds:
Lexapro 10mg
Trying out Lialda, 2 pills/day


Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 8/14/2008 1:22 PM (GMT -6)   
ROFL that's great!!!! Thanks for the laughter!
~ Mom of Nathaniel aka "Peanut" 19m (7/08)~ Married ~ 36
"The List "
- UC dx 8/2000 - Culturelle Align 1x day Prenatal Vitamin (Currently not flaring but not what I would call in remission either.)
- CKD Stage 3 (Chronic Kidney Disease) - Lisinopril 7.5mg - Still have 27% function!
- Anemic - Ferolicit IV monthly
- Allergies - Zyrtec 10mg 

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 274
   Posted 8/14/2008 4:26 PM (GMT -6)   
a-w-e-s-o-m-e thanks for sharing !!! ahahahahahhahaaaaa roll
Jenn 26/female
Ulcerative PANCOLITIS diagnosed 2004
Asacol 3 pills once/day, Buscopan as needed
Daily Vitamin for Women and Folic Acid, Metamucil one tsp per day so far
Flare March-June 2008.. pretty much in remission again July

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 955
   Posted 8/14/2008 7:37 PM (GMT -6)   

i just finished with a half king poop and half a bali belly poop!

steph - 32 - female - UC since 2000
currently flaring again..  grrr! (triggered by stress - grrr)
mesalazine granules 3g x1 a day (much nicer than a million tablets a day)
enteric coated fish oil -omega 3 (so they get all the way to my colon)
vitamin D3 x1 a day
prednisolone 25mg x1 a day (ick ick and did i say ick?)
tumeric capsules x3 a day

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 8/15/2008 10:27 PM (GMT -6)   
This literally made my day. I laughed so hard I cried. (Can't remember the last time that happened.) My personal favorite wasn't listed though - - I usually flush WHEN I sit down so nobody has to hear the initial explosion. There is a drawback in that your butt gets kind of misted from the water. lol
Dx UC 1979 at age 14 - (I know, some kind of record)
Was Mildly Chronic (flares every couple of years) until last 2 years now Chronically Acute
Can only get about a month symptom free between flares now
Asacol, Canasa, Rowasa, Cortifoam (on Sulfasalazine for 28 years previously also Pred)
GI Doc recently told me I have "lead pipe syndrome" which is advanced scarring of colon
No surgery - multiple colonoscopies reveal uc "from rectum to appendix"
My Best Friend is My Shih Tzu/My worst enemy is uc

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4538
   Posted 8/15/2008 10:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Turd Burglar...lol. That's hilarious! I have to poop at work everyday at least once, if not multiple times. I'm glad we have a private 1-person bathroom.

Diagnosed with UC March 2007; Asacol 4 tablets 3x/day; Rowasa weekly; Canasa weekly; Viactiv; Metamucil wafers; multivitamin

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 212
   Posted 8/16/2008 1:39 PM (GMT -6)   
This is GREAT! I am passing it along to non-ucer's as well!

for me, the worst thing at work is our toilets are low flow water conservation. I HATE THEM. It's like a no-win slot machine. You get one chance at the big money (ie a good flush that takes it all away). You have to time the flush just right and just at the right moment. It takes a good 3 minutes until you can flush again. So you either have to run out before anyone else comes in OR you have to wait around....the only bad part about waiting around is sometimes the 2nd flush isn't successful...or the 3rd or the 4th. So you can spend an entire afternoon in a battle between you and the toidy flushing mechanism. I usually lose.

There needs to be another category for folks like me...the ones that "hit" and run.
Age: 48
location: Seattle, Wa
currently in small flare, tail end of colon
Diagnosed with UC in June 2006
Medications: Asacol 3 pills 3 x/day, Cortifoam at bedtime, Canansa in the morning
No. of colonoscopies: 1
Originally diagnosed with moderate UC, pancolitis

Another UC wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 2111
   Posted 8/17/2008 2:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh wow this was way too funny.....printing it off for hubby who is having just a so-so day today. I think it will definitely cheer him up.

61 yr old male~Colitis 1st diagnosed Jan '05-cleared up within a few wks. Flared again in May '06 (now UC) & hospitalized 5/07-currently heading towards a remission. Osteopena of spine from prednisone DX 8/07  Oct 07 feeling quite normal most days.  150mg Imuran  Zero mg prednisone  12 Asacol, Lidocaine Hydrochloride Jelly 2%,multi vitamin, iron 1X day, DanActive, chewable calcium, fiber capsule 1x day, Prilosec 20mg, enalapril 10mg, glipizide 5 mg, zocor 20 mg, baby aspirin, (Fentanyl pain patch 50mg 72 hrs  Morphine Sulf 15 mg twice daily)Cortifoam enema every other PM, Canasa suppositiry AM, folic acid 1mg, Fosamax 1x month

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 678
   Posted 8/17/2008 5:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Hilarious!!! Thank you for sharing!! smilewinkgrin
31 yr old female, currently pregnant.
Diagnosed 2/29/08 with Mild Universal UC
I've had UC since 2000 but was in remission for most of those 8 years med free
Lialda Colazal & Asacol made symptoms worse, MUCH worse
Not taking any more meds for now. Trying a holistic approach.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 742
   Posted 8/18/2008 10:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Glad you're all enjoying it - certainly cracked me up!!
Katie, 30.   Chicago 'burbs.
DX:  Ulcerative Proctitis (10cm) January '08
Current Treament:  Rowasa 60 ML 2X daily, Cortenama 100 ML 1X daily, Bentyl 20 MG (as needed), and multivitamin daily.
Diet/Exercise:  Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD) as of 7/12.  Daily yoga, walking, or cardio w/weights.
Previous Treatment:  Canasa suppositories, Cortifoam, Prednisone, Colazal, Symex DuoTabs, Vitamins.
Status:  Flare since diagnosis

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