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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1441
   Posted 10/3/2008 9:06 AM (GMT -6)   
                An appointment for a Colonoscopy
                            ( If you've had this procedure done, you'll be able to identify.)
              about THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning
             humor columnist for the Miami Herald. This is from his colonoscopy
       I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
    make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office,
    Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that
    appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
    Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
    thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
    didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
     I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and
    a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
    large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail
    later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall
    into the hands of America's enemies. 
    I spent the next several days productively sitting
    around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
    preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid
    food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water,
    only with fewer flavors. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You
    mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then
    you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric
    system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole
    jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am
    being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just
    a hint of lemon. 
    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by
    somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a
    loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying
    that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the
    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
    graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is
    pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are
    times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours
    pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
    everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
    have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can
    tell, your 
    bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food
    that you have not even eaten yet. 
    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
    only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
    occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurt age. I was thinking, 'What if
    I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
    that? Flowers would not be enough. 
    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging
    that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms
    said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where
    I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put
    on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
    that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you
    are actually naked. 
    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein
     in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very
    good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people
    put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't
    thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got
    yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
    around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your
    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
    procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
    anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy
    had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this
    point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
    began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music
    playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by
    ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing
    during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least
    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere
    behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time , the moment I had been
    dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
    because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was
    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,
    ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and
    the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very
    mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I
    felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was
    all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never
    been prouder of an internal organ. 
    On the subject of Colonoscopies... 
    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
    exam were humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are
    actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
    performing their colonoscopies: 
    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man
    has gone before!' 
    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 
    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 
    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there

    5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.' 
    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 
    7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand
    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 
    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 
    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 
    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 

                        And the best one of all.... 
    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my
    head is not up there?' 


 Bipolar - August 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
Leo Buscaglia

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