What a Christmas Eve! (not necessarily a good post lol)

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iluvsunflowers15
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 395
   Posted 12/25/2008 7:28 PM (GMT -6)   
This is not UC related but I feel so comfortable posting with you guys. :-D Anyway, for Christmas Eve, I was at my boyfriend's aunt's house. We got there pretty early and was waiting for other family members to show up. As cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. started to show up, they asked me how the show was. Let me back track-On December 20th, my bf surprised me with a limo taking us into NYC to see the tree, visited a few stores, ate at The View restaurant (very fancy!) and finally saw the Christmas Spectacular show. Lastly, the limo took us home. It was such a special and romantic day. So his aunt and cousin started asking me about the day and I explained about the limo, etc. They were really happy for us and said it was really romantic thing to do. His aunt then rushed to my bf's father to tell him what happened. The father came up to me and persuaded me to give him more details. After I told him what happened, he said "Ohhh now I am going to have to increase his rent by $100 per month now!". I was really upset by this. Once my bf came back to the house (he left for a few minutes to get something at the house), his father confronted him about this. I honestly had no idea that my bf did not want his father to know about the day because of the money issue. My bf is 36 years old and recently got a good job as a social worker. He still lives at home as I do also. We are both 36 and 30. We have been talking about getting married eventually. I was really upset by his father's reaction! I actually had to go to the other room to compose myself. Everyone else was really happy about our special day except for his own father. His father always belittles him and treats him like crap. It pains me to see him do this. My bf has a younger brother who is a successful sports anchor, married with two kids, has his own home, etc. It just doesn't make sense. Everything is like a business proposition with my bf's father. My bf even pays rent! He is never home, rarely eats at home, and does help around the house (cleans, does yard work, etc.). His father has two homes AND has a tenant in the back of the house. Its just so frustrating. Everytime I sit next to him, my body tenses up. Its a very uncomfortable feeling. My parents said that I am not going to marry his father obviously lol. As long as I am happy with my bf, that is all that matters. But the whole situation still bothers me. :( In addition, I just found out from my bf that he used a gift card that I gave him to buy two christmas children books for his cousins. Is that the right thing to do???
 
Thanks for listening. I really just needed to vent and get some insight from you guys. I hope everyone had a nice holiday!
 
Heather
Colazal 750 mg 3x3 daily
6-MP 50 mg (2) daily
Miralax-when needed
Rowasa-when needed
Been diagnosed with UC for 5 years


quincy
Elite Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 30591
   Posted 12/26/2008 2:19 AM (GMT -6)   
I can understand your frustration and being upset with the situation, but it's really a pattern that's well engrained in your bf's family long before you arrived.

First, a 36 year old shouldn't be living in his father's house...no matter how much money he can save. The fact that he's never home shouldn't have him living there for free either, he should be out on his own.

Second, money and family seem to always create rifts and competition...the money always wins it seems, and people make decisions (even for their own autonomy) to not lose their connections.

Third, if you do plan to get married, you really should get all financial matters and dependencies clarified.

Fourth, a child is always a child to a parent no matter how old...and the situation is obviously dysfunctional when a parent feels the right to belittle at opportunities to put that child in his/her place. It's probably control on both sides, but your bf has to realise his dad treats him that way because he can.

If your bf can get his voice it would help, but there are ways to get his dad to listen if it's dealt with in a respectful way...very difficult to do and sometimes darned near impossible.

Some people never change, and sometimes the only way to gain freedom is to MOVE away, either physically or mentally.

Do some research either in a bookstore or on-line about ways to deal with the situation. Is your bf interested in changing the situation?

I hope it works for you...money is truly the root of many emotional issues.

quincy
*Heather* Status..Asacol 6 (3 twice daily); enemas every 5th night
~diagnosed January 1989 UC (proctosigmoiditis)
~Bentylol (dicyclomine) 20mg as needed
~vitamins/minerals/supplements 
~Probiotics....(Natural Factors Protec, Primadophilus Reuteri Pearls, Natural Factors Ultimate)....1 each  @ bedtime
~various digestive enzymes as needed
~Ranitidine (reflux);  Effexor XR 75mg(depression);  Pulmicort/Airomir (asthma)
~URSO for PSC (or PBC) 500mg X 2 daily (LFTs back to NORMAL!!)
My doc's logic.. "TREAT (FROM)BOTH ENDS"  worth it !!!
 


Christine1946
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 5963
   Posted 12/26/2008 3:05 PM (GMT -6)   
      Heather said it all...I agree with her 110%.
62 yr old granny. South Jersey
Diagnosed with ulcerative proctitis in 1998 in hospital
Hospitalized (2nd time) in May 2008
Update 11/03/08...finally in remission!!  Hope I don't jinx myself.  Off the prednisone since 11/01/08...now see if I can stay off for longer than two weeks.  Other meds: 6MP (75 mgm), colazal (6 per day), Benicar and Toprol (high blood pressure meds), Probiotic (2 per day), fish oil capsule and multi-vitamin and calcium with vitamin D.


iluvsunflowers15
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 395
   Posted 12/26/2008 3:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Heather,

I totally agree with you! What you are saying makes total sense. My bf honestly cannot afford to move out on his own right now. I am 30 years old and still at home as well. I come from a deaf family and we are a very close knit family. Its a totally different dynamic. My parents are very neutral, flexible, etc. kind of parents. Its upsetting to see my bf's father treat him like that because I am not used to it.

My bf and I have talked about moving into our own place once we get engaged. I am ready as much as he is to get our own place. Like my best friend said regarding the situation- "You don't see the father all the time. You only see him on holidays and few other occassions. He lives in another state half of the time. You don't have to intereact with him if you don't have to. So let it go." She made a lot of sense.

It was honestly more of being humiliated. Its amazing how money does make a difference in relationships. Anyway, thanks for listening to my vent.

Heather :)
Colazal 750 mg 3x3 daily
6-MP 50 mg (2) daily
Miralax-when needed
Rowasa-when needed
Been diagnosed with UC for 5 years


quincy
Elite Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 30591
   Posted 12/26/2008 4:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Heather...I've experienced many Deaf families..some are close, others not (I was a sign language interpreter since 1994, involvement with the Deaf community is somewhat mandatory here). I've never, however, met families where the Deaf parents degrade or humiliate their children. There is definitely more acceptance from the parents than from the children..especially if they're hearing..the parents miss a lot of what's going on, and the kids don't like to stick around to be their interpreters, etc. Interesting dynamics.

It's great you're close to your parents and speak of your family siuation with respect.

I hope your bf is able to get a proper perspective of his relationship with his father and how it can destroy his very being with him. I was never belittled by my parents, but was still always a kid searching for acceptance. Therapy helped a lot.

My husband's dad is a bit on the competative side of someone else being better or worse off. Tiring to say the least, but it's usually me telling him to smarten up. I've since suggested my husband take that role, for it's not up to me to take responsibility to feel it's all up to me to tell him to knock it off.

Your venting is totally legit...I truly wish parents would figure out their boundaries and allow their children to actually grow up.

Be well!

Heather.
*Heather* Status..Asacol 6 (3 twice daily); flaring since Dec 22, enemas nightly (sigh!!)
~diagnosed January 1989 UC (proctosigmoiditis)
~Bentylol (dicyclomine) 20mg as needed
~vitamins/minerals/supplements 
~Probiotics....(Natural Factors Protec, Primadophilus Reuteri Pearls, Natural Factors Ultimate).... @ bedtime
~various digestive enzymes as needed
~Ranitidine (reflux);  Effexor XR 75mg(depression);  Pulmicort/Airomir (asthma)
~URSO for PSC (or PBC) 500mg X 2 daily (LFTs back to NORMAL!!)
My doc's logic.. "TREAT (FROM)BOTH ENDS"  worth it !!!
 


potty girl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 835
   Posted 12/26/2008 8:24 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with Heather. But I am wondering if maybe it is his Dads way of getting him to move out maybe he doesnt want to actually kick him out. 36 is pretty old to be liveing with ones dads. But then I dont know there situations so could be way wrong.
Rona

synthroid .088 mg, lowpressor 50 mg x 2, cozaar 25mg x2, imdur 30 mg
nitroquick, proventol, plavix 75 mg, protonix 40 mg x 2, asacal 400mg x 9
carafate 1 gm x 4, zyrtec 10 mg, rhinocort aqua nose spray, fish oil,
potassium.


barbl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 320
   Posted 12/26/2008 9:47 PM (GMT -6)   

I have 3 kids. The last one moved out this year at 19. If I had a kid living with me until they were 36 I would be in a clown suit with an uzzie on top of a cooling tower somewhere mad   I wouldn't want more rent, I'd want them out mad

He can put an end to dealing with his father by getting his own place. Please look at your situation very carefully. Just like Heather said -

"Third, if you do plan to get married, you really should get all financial matters and dependencies clarified."

As a Mom I'm seeing red flags all over the place cry

My 1st husband was kind of the same story. I carried him for 16 years, then one morning I woke up and thought "hey, even murders get paroled" That was 12 years ago and he has lived with and mooched off his family every since. Never paid a dime of child support.

Not trying to be negative, just supportive of you xoxoxoxo


Dx'D in 1990. Remission 1991 - 1/2005
Both flares were in extremely stressful times in my life
Colonoscopy 10/2008 mild UC
*****Digestive Advantage IBS formula 4 a day, 1 Forvia, 2 Metamucil.         ????REMISSION!!!????


Christine1946
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 5963
   Posted 12/27/2008 12:53 AM (GMT -6)   
     We have our 31 yr old daughter living with us.  While she went to college...5 yrs...she was away.  She moved back home and taught school one mile from our house.  Then she decided to get her own apartment about a year later, which I thought foolish since we only lived one mile from her work and her apartment was about ten miles.  Anyway, she lived in the apartment for about four years.  In the meantime she met some loser who had some nickle and dime job who thought he could purchase his own home.  Don't ask me how he even managed to get a mortgage but he did.  He had his "buddy' move in with him and then asked our daughter to do the same.  Apparently, he didn't make enough money on his own and needed his buddy and my daughter to contribute to the mortgage payment.  Now, mind you, nothing was EVER mentioned about a future engagement or anything...just gimme the money type of situation.  She asked our opinion and whether she liked it or not, got the answer how we felt about the whole thing.  Well, I guess she saw the light, but in the meantime she never bothered to renew her lease.  She asked if it were ok to move back home.  We said great.  That was about three years ago and she is still here. 
     My husband and I are retired and travel a good deal.  We plan to be away most of the time between April and November.  Our daughter takes great care of our home and property while we are away and pays her share of the household bills.  Our home IS her home and we really don't mind if she stays here forever.  Sorry so long winded and I know some people will just roll their eyes, but hey, it works for us.
     Oh...forgot to mention.  When she moved back home...loser boyfriend dumped her like a hot potato.  Didn't even help her move her things.   Good riddance.  She found out he lost the house...guess he couldn't find enough "friends" to pay the mortgage.
62 yr old granny. South Jersey
Diagnosed with ulcerative proctitis in 1998 in hospital
Hospitalized (2nd time) in May 2008
Update 11/03/08...finally in remission!!  Hope I don't jinx myself.  Off the prednisone since 11/01/08...now see if I can stay off for longer than two weeks.  Other meds: 6MP (75 mgm), colazal (6 per day), Benicar and Toprol (high blood pressure meds), Probiotic (2 per day), fish oil capsule and multi-vitamin and calcium with vitamin D.


quincy
Elite Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 30591
   Posted 12/27/2008 2:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Christine....but I'll bet you don't abuse her or treat her like she's lower than snail snot.

Moving out, moving back....it's an agreement that can many times be the best. But, moving out and getting autonomy is a good thing rather than staying at home for the convenience.

Life is tough, affording to live independently is tough.

We seek convenience for a variety of reasons. Symbiotic can be healthy or unhealthy.

quincy
*Heather* Status..Asacol 6 (3 twice daily); flaring since Dec 22, enemas nightly (sigh!!)
~diagnosed January 1989 UC (proctosigmoiditis)
~Bentylol (dicyclomine) 20mg as needed
~vitamins/minerals/supplements 
~Probiotics....(Natural Factors Protec, Primadophilus Reuteri Pearls, Natural Factors Ultimate).... @ bedtime
~various digestive enzymes as needed
~Ranitidine (reflux);  Effexor XR 75mg(depression);  Pulmicort/Airomir (asthma)
~URSO for PSC (or PBC) 500mg X 2 daily (LFTs back to NORMAL!!)
My doc's logic.. "TREAT (FROM)BOTH ENDS"  worth it !!!
 


unclebubba
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 510
   Posted 12/27/2008 2:52 PM (GMT -6)   
I moved back home after my divorce. and stayed home for five years. It had its ups and downs. But Dad had been sick with heart problems and there was a farm to take care of. so... I did pay rent and my share of bills. I did my own laundry. Actually had a nice little "apartment " there. Living room, bathroom, bed room. Am moved out now but For me and my parents moving home was the best thing at the time.
diagnosed in aug 2008
30 mg predisone, 9 balsalazide, rowesa enema, 2 gemfibrozil, 1 norvasc, 1 metoprotol, 1 allopurinol, 2 probiotic, 2 aloe vera
gluten intolerance... attempting to live no/low gluten
 
**********
update: down to 25 mg pred a day as of 12/25/08


quincy
Elite Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 30591
   Posted 12/27/2008 3:14 PM (GMT -6)   
unclebubba...it's good you were available to do what was needed for your parents and that you could live there at the same time. Served 2 purposes.

I moved back with my mom after my first divorce and living on my own for a few years....I did it to save money. I didn't save any money and living there was like I had never left. I eventually moved out with my then boyfriend and married him. It was a tough go for us because I never did really grow up. I'm still with him 30 years later...it's been no picnic for him at times..lol! As I mentioned, therapy helped a lot.

My brother moved back to live with my mom after his separation/divorce...even though he was a professional and working, he treated her like crap and she still did his laundry and got his prescriptions for him. It was sickening...
I limited my time there...even when she was dying of lung cancer. My husband couldn't stand to be asked to do all the things that needed to be done when there was another adult male living there. He was able to put the limits on my mom's requirements of him.

All situations are subjective...and for good reason to do for parents when they can't...but do lose the identity of oneself doesn't allow for growth for the child or the parent.

Parents can either make or break their child's future..allowing them dignity to grow up is always a good start.

quincy
*Heather* Status..Asacol 6 (3 twice daily); flaring since Dec 22, enemas nightly (sigh!!)
~diagnosed January 1989 UC (proctosigmoiditis)
~Bentylol (dicyclomine) 20mg as needed
~vitamins/minerals/supplements 
~Probiotics....(Natural Factors Protec, Primadophilus Reuteri Pearls, Natural Factors Ultimate).... @ bedtime
~various digestive enzymes as needed
~Ranitidine (reflux);  Effexor XR 75mg(depression);  Pulmicort/Airomir (asthma)
~URSO for PSC (or PBC) 500mg X 2 daily (LFTs back to NORMAL!!)
My doc's logic.. "TREAT (FROM)BOTH ENDS"  worth it !!!
 


Sweetie31105
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 903
   Posted 12/27/2008 3:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Sounds like a familiar situation in my side of the family. Certain people is all about greed. My dad has been very greedy in the past that he didn't even pay for my wedding. In my opinion those kind of people you need to stay away from because their priorities aren't straight. My Dad is not a safe person to be around, and I finally got over the fact that I'm not going to celebrate any holiday with my side of the family. I'm happy about that because my husband's family add more fun to the holidays than what I'd encounter at my parents house.

Your friend is right, you only deal with him on the holidays, so guard yourself, since you know how he is and be plan out what you might say around him in being cautious and guarding.

I saw my family last Saturday, and that was for 2 hours, I had enough til next year. LOL, sad to say but... yeah.

Good luck!
26 year old, Married, Female.
Diagnosed with UC since March 2007
Taking Humira and Imuran since May 2007 (Currently in remission since May 2007)


princesa
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 2204
   Posted 1/7/2009 9:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Although it's true you're not marrying his father in the strictest sense of the word, you ARE marrying into the family and the whole situation. If your boyfriend is unable to stand up for himself, support himself, live and think independently and autonomously, support and defend you and your relationship over his family, you're in for a load of trouble. A domineering and controlling in-law and a spouse who's unable to break free is a recipe for a miserable marriage. I speak from experience.


Diagnosed with ulcerative colitis spring 1999.
 
Maintenance dose sulfasalazine.
Probiotics, l-glutamine and fish oil caps. George's aloe vera juice. Oregano oil antibiotic, antiviral, antifungal. Long-term remission with only minor blips.
 
 

Post Edited (princesa) : 1/7/2009 8:32:15 AM (GMT-7)

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