Do you think I'm overreacting?

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carrotjuice
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 2/18/2009 4:24 PM (GMT -6)   
No one has actually said I am overreacting, but they don't seem as worried as I am.
 
I am 22 and my boyfriend of 3 years is going to be 23 in june. We want to someday get married and
I have told him it's very important to me that I have a family. He says he does too someday, but he is thinking about taking Remicade. I have heard that it can cause infertility and that Humira can cause permenant infertility (the doctor told us Humira should be a last choice if we planned to get married and have children). I told him maybe he should freeze some sperm, but he says he is too embarrassed to do it. I know we aren't married or even enagaged. It is just important to me that
I can be a mother or it will devestate me. I don't really think if I adopted a child that I would feel the same connection as I would with my own child. I know he won't be comfortable with using donor sperm. I love him, but I couldn't marry someone who wasn't willing to go the extra lengths to have a family with me. I told him if he really cared about me he would not lead me on and say hey I don't know if I can give you children and it's not that important to me if I do have kids or not so I understand if you can't be with me anymore, or I will freeze some sperm because I know it is important to you and someday it will be to me too. I don't want to be trapped in a relationship where I will be unhappy. He himself makes me happy,but this is one life goal I'm not willing to give up for anything. He won't get a sperm count because like I said he is too embarrased to give a sample in the little cup!! So I don't know if I'm wasting my time and all he tells me is just to not worry. His mom tells me not to worry so much too and that one way or another we will have kids.
 
Do you think I am worrying over nothing? I want to know how many guys have experienced infertility from UC medication and what options there
are for male infertility. Have you had babies after taking medication over the years?

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6448
   Posted 2/18/2009 4:43 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, let me just start here. I'm going to be fifty next month, and when I was your age I had planned to have a large family. Yep, I still look back and remember wanting to have a family, bake cookies for them etc. Well, unfortunately life doesn't always turn out to plan. Turns out that I was the one who couldn't have children. I won't lie; it was devastating at first, but I look back and realize that it wasn't earth shattering to me. And I'm not so sure it's easy to "make" someone commit to something that he doesn't really want to do. I will tell you that my nephew (22 yrs. of age) had testicular cancer and they did freeze some sperm for him. He said it wasn't any big deal, but it's your boyfriend that needs to be comfortable with the procedure. I'm sure right now he's probably just wanting to feel better with the UC, and that's probably his priority, whereas yours is looking forward to a family. Not sure I was any help...but maybe both of you could take a step back and then forward in each others shoes; sometimes it helps to look at both sides of the story and talk about each of your feelings. Take care....oh, heck, welcome to Healingwell!

Carol

Remicade - will have my 27th infusion on March 19 Vitamin B-12/Biotin, Probiotics
 
Co-Moderator for the UC Forum
 
 


Peety
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Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 2855
   Posted 2/18/2009 4:54 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't know about the effects...but your requests don't sound unreasonable to me.
His reasons for not doing it are silly and selfish. Giving birth is pretty darn undignified (I mean physically) but women do it all the time! He needs to do his little part.
49 year old female attorney, diagnosed UC/pancolitis 1985, no surgery but much suffering.
Asacol/5ASA 6x400 mg maintenance for 20+ years; use prednisone & Rowasa for flares. 
August 2008 sought care of naturopathic doctor. Food sensitivity test showed wheat/gluten, other intolerances; started diet without gluten, soy, dairy, tomato etc. Probiotics (Ultimate Flora, 50 billion). Doing much better, but still having some bad days. 


fruitgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 7150
   Posted 2/18/2009 4:54 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you are getting ahead of yourself a little bit. For instance, are you SURE he wouldn't want to use donor sperm? And I bet that you'd be able to fall just as much in love with an adopted child as you would with "your own" child. I just had my son four months ago and I really do think I could love an adopted baby as much as I love him. I think what really does it is the absolute trust that they put in you. I have friends and family who have both adopted and "their own" kids and they don't feel any differently about the kids.

I also agree with Lonielane that he's probably just wanting to get his UC under control. I'm still fighting my first flare and I can honestly say that I'd give up the ability to have "my own" kids in order to get my UC in remission. It's absolutely miserable living with a flare.
Symptoms began in November 2008, ~4 weeks after giving birth to my son.
Eased for ~3 weeks in December, possibly b/c of probiotic use?
Returned in January 2009 (with a vengeance), diagnosed with pancolitis on January 30.
Currently taking Asacol (400mg 4 pills 3x daily), Rowasa nightly, Culturelle probiotic, and Zoloft (25 mg).


Mommy pooh
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 131
   Posted 2/18/2009 4:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Life does change paths as time goes on. Never in my life did I want to have an "only" child. However, with my health, our financial situation, and the stress of raising a child, it looks like life may have dealt us an only child. We couldn't be happier. I am still having health problems on top of my UC that doctors are trying to figure out. We're just living one day at a time and we'll see how things go. After everything medical we go through, I have a hard time understanding why a sperm donation would be too hard. No one enjoys any of the emabrrassing stuff but once it's done it's done. Does he have any idea how embarrassing having eggs harvested and then implanted would be? I've heard of people having to practicaly stand on the head for implantation.
  • 26 years old, married, Stay-at-home Mommy to 2 year old daughter 
  • Ulcerative Colitis since Sept. 2004
    • 1st flare Sept-Nov 2004
    • 2nd flare Aug. 2007-July 08 
  • Currently taking:75mg 6MP, 4 Lialda, Loestrin 24, Allergy meds., Maxalt for migraines and allergy shots once a month 
  • 10/6/08 Found a 1cm kidney stone in right kidney.  Had the stone blasted and passed the fragments.

 


dodge08
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 2/18/2009 7:24 PM (GMT -6)   
My wife and I have an 8 month old and we had planned on starting to try for a second around now -- but my colitis flared very bad in November/December, and I'm still not better- one of the first questions we asked the dr was if remicade was safe, as we do want to have another child -- he said it was and doesn't seem to have any affect on male fertility.
Male 38, diagnoised in 1998, first major flare in November 2008, have had 2 remicade infusions
decreasing predisone, take folic acid, calcium, vitamin D, HMP powder and a multi vitamin


buckeyeinchicago
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 2/18/2009 8:14 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you are being reasonable and protecting yourself. My husband I were going to start trying for a baby in the spring and I started with a flare up about two weeks ago. Someone once told me, you plan and G-d laughs. I now believe it. I would do anything for children of my own and am excited to get better so we can start focusing on me having mood swings from being pregnant. I am on 6 mp though which I know can cause more miscarriages in the first trimester which FREAKS ME OUT. I also know you can't breast feed while on it...big decisions ahead. But for your sake I can definitely see where you are coming from and if you are serious about this guy than he should be able to realize how important this is to you.
Diagnosed when 13 and am now 25. Currently taking 100mg of 6mp, 60 mg of prednisone and 12 pills of asacol a day


subdued
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3231
   Posted 2/18/2009 8:37 PM (GMT -6)   
I think it's a good idea for him to have some of his sperm frozen. Perhaps, he is feeling pressured. Here he is suffering from UC. He doesn't have kids on his mind. Also, he isn't married to you yet. Let him know that no matter what happens between the two of you, it would be a good idea if he had some sperm frozen just in case he decided to have kids some time later in his life (whether it is with you or someone else). That should ease the pressure. If he feels embarrassed, offer to go with him. If he doesn't want to pay the expense, offer to pay for it.
Joy - 47 yrs and counting
Diagnosed w/ UC Dec 06 (also have IBS)
Currently in remission

Lexapro (for stress)
Probiotics and Vitamins (a whole bunch of them)
Anti-inflammatory foods: turmeric, seaweed, garlic...
Avoid: anything with high-fructose corn syrup, foods high in fructose, artificial sweeteners
Previous treatments: Fecal transplantation (worked), Prednisone (stopped working), Colazal (stopped working), Asacol (stopped working)


Sara14
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4538
   Posted 2/18/2009 9:25 PM (GMT -6)   
I think he needs to do what he needs to do in order to stay healthy. If that means taking Remicade, than that's his decision. As far as donating the sperm, that's obviously his decision, too, as you know. I can kind of understand why you would be upset, but you two aren't married or engaged, and I would see donating sperm as a very personal decision. I doubt his mind is focusing on having children right now if he's flaring. If my boyfriend asked me to freeze some eggs I would be totally freaked out and say no, but then again, I don't want kids so I guess I'm on a completely different life path than you.
Diagnosed with UC March 2007; Asacol 4 tablets 3x/day; Rowasa; Canasa; Viactiv; Metamucil wafers; multivitamin; sublingual allergy drops; Ortho Tri-Cyclen


Old Hat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 5191
   Posted 2/18/2009 10:15 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with the above statements that your boyfriend likely is focusing on his own health right now. That means his priority, whether stated or not, is doing what will make him feel better, what he has to do to get his UC under control. If the doctor judges that Remicade is his best shot, then of course, he's dealing with a major medical decision. Try to understand the situation from his perspective. A person who is crampy, uncomfortable eating, running to the john many times a day and/or at night, too, 1st and foremost wants relief from this nagging ailment. If he has urgency & bloody diarrhea, he will be worrying about the location of the nearest toilet, not about fathering a child. That's what flaring UC does to people. So I would say that you two are out of sync right now and need further discussion as his health permits. / Old Hat (nearly 30 yrs with left-sided UC ... [etc.])

carrotjuice
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 2/19/2009 3:23 AM (GMT -6)   
First, I want to thank you all so much for all the replies I appreciate them all! You have no idea how much it helps because he really won't talk to me about it.
I know just about everything there is to know about UC. I have read everything I can and gone to the doctors with him since we first started dating. He isn't flaring right now. He is under control with 6mp right now. He is worried he will that he will flare up soon and be forced with the decision of Remicade or Surgery. And as far as me telling him that saving sperm isn't just about me, I told him ya know even if we aren't together in the future I really think you will want to have a family someday with whoever else and you should want to give that to your wife someday. I know being mommies are a big dream for most women. They shouldn't get cheated out of it because their husband was too embarrased to just go do it. He can afford to do it. It has nothing to do with money. His father even encouraged him and would pay for it. I would be exstatic knowing I would get just one child of my own getting to experience pregnancy. Then if I would consider adopting. I have thought about adopting. I didn't mean it as I wouldn't love them like my own. I meant I was afraid I might still feel like there was a void even if I did adopt.
I said I know for a fact that donor sperm is out of the question because he is extremely jealous. I think he might would reject the child and resent it for not being his own.

Other reasons I'm afraid of remicade is that I am afraid of the side effects. It can cause cancer and I don't want to loose him. I have came really close to already. A year ago he had a pulmonary embolism. He's okay now, he just got off the coumadin actually. And before that his senior year of high school (I didn't know him then) he had a blood clot in his heart that required open heart surgery to be removed. Needless to say he isn't the most lucky person when it comes to health.
All he needs is something else that can cause something else to go wrong. If I had UC I do think that I would choose it over cancer.
He does still have the option of surgery. I know it is scary. I watched a video with him and he told me afterwards that I probably
wouldn't want to be with him if he did that. I didn't know why he said it. I told him I would rather him live a full, healthy life. Colon or no colon.
I would still love him lol.

Is remicade really so scary? And is surgery really so bad?

coprhead
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 42
   Posted 2/19/2009 3:46 AM (GMT -6)   
remicade: i dont know about all the side affects of remicade but my UC will not respond to meds at all i had my second infussion of remicade on thursday last week and i still cant get any results UC is horrible  i just pray for you two that it works out for the best

Jody
Age 34-Male-South Carolina
Diagnosed 02/08 Severe UC
Colazal Predinsone Entocort Lialda-No Help
Mesalamine-Little help
Remicade-Second infussion-still no change


subdued
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3231
   Posted 2/20/2009 1:24 AM (GMT -6)   
carrotjuice said...
A year ago he had a pulmonary embolism. He's okay now, he just got off the coumadin actually. And before that his senior year of high school (I didn't know him then) he had a blood clot in his heart that required open heart surgery to be removed. Needless to say he isn't the most lucky person when it comes to health.


That could be another reason that he isn't thinking about kids right now. It's hard to be thinking about having kids if you are worried that you won't be healthy enough to provide for them emotionally or monetarily or that they might also have health problems.

I think that having ones sperm frozen isn't a commitment to have children though. It's a safeguard just in case one changes one's mind down the road.
Joy - 47 yrs and counting
Diagnosed w/ UC Dec 06 (also have IBS)
Currently in remission

Lexapro (for stress)
Probiotics and Vitamins (a whole bunch of them)
Anti-inflammatory foods: turmeric, seaweed, garlic...
Avoid: anything with high-fructose corn syrup, foods high in fructose, artificial sweeteners
Previous treatments: Fecal transplantation (worked), Prednisone (stopped working), Colazal (stopped working), Asacol (stopped working)

Post Edited (subdued) : 2/19/2009 11:33:58 PM (GMT-7)

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