OK so it's after 1 am my time. No need to go in to all the crap that my relationship has to offer (and don't take that the wrong way - he's a truly great guy in so may ways), he's bipolar himself, and I thought he of all people would understand the comfort one needs when on prednisone (due to the depression part). Maybe he was just having a bad day but BOY was I wrong!
We just had a HUGE blowout and I don't even know why. Well, I do in a sense - today kind of feels like the "peak' of my prednisone. I have been on crying jags and panic attacks for days, he's said for days don't be sorry if I cry when I don't even know why, etc., but something really set me off today. And what did I get? No understanding. NOTHING! He was flippant, rude, even made a comment about how I'm like my crazy mother! Now he wants to postpone the wedding date. HUH?
I cried and cried and litereally begged him to just please understand (of course through my defensive, harsh words that I'm sure did not help), but told him that no mater how hard it may be for him, I truly just need someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be OK. But no - we need counseling, blah blah. He couldn't see through his masculinit and just say "come here, let me hold you'. When he's in a good mood, we can work though anything. Not today - and today was the WORST day to be wrong about that.
I feel like everything I said was a fight, an offensive to him. I hate life right now. No, suicide is not an option for me, but I do feel like going to live under a bridge for a while so I don't have to be stuck in the same house as him because I feel like such a burden. He's going though a lot too he says. He doesn't share that with me, instead he says since it's business-related it's suddenly today 'none of my business', instead of the usual stuff of how everyday life goes for a couple (or so I thought) as in telling things about how your day went, what so-and-so said, etc.
I really just want this all to end. I know once I'm off the prednisoe everything will feel different, but I'm afraid I can't let go of some of what he said today. I turn to him for support. Now he's not there, he's just mad at everything I say because it doesn't make sense to him. I beg him to read about the side effects (of prednisone), and he tells me all the websites just say 'depression' (and some even say those side effects are rare!). I try to tell him there are many sides to depression, but he doesn't listen to my words of 'despodent', 'heartbroken', 'pain', 'broken'.
I am so sorry to bring this into a public forum, but I really need to feel understood by SOMEONE.
I am very sad, and all I want is a hug
Ø Prednisone 40 mg
Ø Folic Acid 800 mg
Ø Prenatal Vitamins
Ø Hydrocodone as needed for pain, and right now that’s a lot!
Ø Pills, pills, pills, pills
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