Ok, you asked for it.
I was feeling fine until my PMS kicked in a couple weeks ago. Then the stress from that started making things get yucky again.
I had to quit my first (and from the way things are going, probably my only) job last summer when my symptoms started. I'm job searching at the moment, but haven't heard anything, and am afraid of what will happen if I do. And I need a job, because I owe my father money for multiple things.
I don't have insurance, my dad's paying my hospital bills, and his job is in jeopardy, so I have to worry about
I have to live 3 1/2 hours away from my fiance, because we can't afford to live together, so we have to live with our respective parents.
I'm scared of ending up in the hospital again, I'm scared of Drs., I'm scared of the phone and talking to people on it, (I'd much rather talk to them in person, and even that scares me) I'm scared to go anywhere further than my backyard, I'm sick of sitting around not having anything to do all day, I don't understand why I'll feel ok for a while and then get worse, and it's scaring me.
I was alright up until Monday. I was thinking maybe it was the spaghetti sauce I had eaten over the weekend, but it's not getting better. I really miss my boyfriend, so I'm thinking that has a lot to do with it. Not to mention, I hate drawing attention to myself- writing this out is hard on me as well. I was brought up by my mother, who believed in, "deal with it or go to the doctor." I learned early not to complain about
headaches because I just got told to go take tylenol. This is why I'm scared of the Dr., I guess. Either that, or it's what caused my stubbornness- I'd rather just deal with it and hope it gets better than tell anybody about
I spent my teenage years alone, in my own dream-world, because my brothers and I were homeschooled, and we didn't get out much. Then my mom died 3 1/2 years ago, and the real world hit me hard, and hasn't let up. I've been on anti-depressants since March of '07, and am actually convinced they're the reason for my UC, but nobody else seem to think so. I haven't had a "normal" BM in years- one of the side-effects of zoloft is diarrhea, and while it didn't bother me at first, around December '08, I was taken off the zoloft in hopes that it would stop, but it didn't. Then I was hit in April '09 with hyperthyroidism, and everything's gone downhill from there.
Right now, my biggest wish is to go back to my dream-world, where the only things I had to deal with were things I came up with, and were able to control. That's what I hate the most; none of this is under my control, it has a mind of it's own. My mother said I have a Type-A personality, and that I'm not happy unless I'm complaining about
something, but all this complaining isn't making me feel any better.
I really have no idea why I'm saying all this- no offense, but you are all a bunch of strangers, and part of me is telling me I shouldn't be telling you these things. I'm hoping it helps me, but at the same time, it could do just the opposite and make everything worse because I'll start worrying about
what will happen because this is on the internet for millions of people to see, and who knows what they might do with it?
21 years old
Diagnosed ~ December 2009
On Apriso and as of 4/28/10 beginning to taper off Prednisone.