Can you provide details on how your long-time relationship changed into a marriage relationship? I'm just looking for some insight. My long-time of five years is extremely scared of getting married. He has a ton of anxieties, one of them being marriage.
Your "long-time...extremely scared" described me lol.
I have no idea why but after almost 10 years together I just decided it was time to get married and luckily he agreed.
It's been 32 years together now.
Perhaps you both could get counseling together or individually to find out why he is afraid. Saying it out loud is the first step.
If you want it badly and he doesn't just as badly you'll have to decide whether to keep on or not.
It has been one of the best decisions I ever made.Thanks for telling me why you got married.
My boyfriend's situation is a little bit more complicated, because he has asperger's syndrome. These past five years that we've been together, I've been working a lot on getting him to understand his feelings. When I first met him, he could not understand how he felt about
anything, because he had mixed feelings. He didn't understand that it was normal to have mixed feelings; so he could not distinguish among them. After I told him that everyone has mixed feelings and explained to him how I have mixed feelings, he got better at differentiating among them. He knows that he is scared to get married, but he has no idea why. He also doesn't know whether or not he will ever marry me, whether or not he will be able to get over his fear.
I do see someone for advice. He always tells me to be patient. My boyfriend is very slow when it comes to change. He is 50, and I'm the only women he has ever lived with. We've been living together for the past three or four years. I kind of gradually moved in. First one evening, then two... There was a long period in which I would stay with him all week except for Sunday night. He needed some time alone before he started the work week. I think one Sunday I was just too tired to go home. I slept on the couch, and I have been doing that ever since. Ever Sunday evening, unless I forget, I sleep on the couch. (He doesn't remind me if I forget.)
One thing about
my boyfriend having asperger's is that it makes things easier, because he is very honest. I can ask him anything. Either he will tell me the truth or he doesn't know how to answer my question.
If I have to take a guess at why I think he is scared, I think that he is scared of being powerless. His mom is very controlling and demanding. If we got married, and I became like his mom, he would not know how to handle it. It's very hard for him to deal with people situations.
Consciously, he knows I'm not going to turn into his mom. That's why I think he doesn't understand why he is so afraid.
Oh. Yes. My boyfriend did have to have therapy before. It's a long story, but basically an ex girlfriend sued him and told lies to win the case. My boyfriend was powerless and totally dependent on his attorney, who probably had no idea how to help my boyfriend who has no idea in how to defend himself against accusations. My boyfriend lost the case, lost money and had to go for therapy. The therapy did more harm than good. The therapist kept demanding my boyfriend to admit to something that he never did. It was very difficult for my boyfriend, because he was basically forced to lie and say that he did something that he never did to end the so-called therapy. It was an absolutely horrible experience for him, because he believes very strongly in not telling lies.
Post Edited (subdued) : 11/2/2010 1:08:59 AM (GMT-6)