I have been putting a brave face on for a while now...but im at the end of my (mental) rope. I spent the 7 months between last flare up and this one building my life and body back...I had lost so much muscle during last flare and dropped down to a very thin 83 pounds it was ridiculous. I was walking around being asked why was I so thin and some (ignorant) people were telling me to eat up...so effing frustrating.
But really, im falling apart, this time it's a real nervous breakdown, I had one two days ago where I was alone in my house and I just starting crying sooo loud and literally screaming with agony at what my life had been reduced down to...
You have to understand: I have ALWAYS been a high achiever, competitive person, always at the top of my game academically and socially. I was always the beautiful elegant intelligent lady, I got the high grades, went into the best university here, got married to quite a catch of a man.
I just found out the my friend who is the same age as me is preggo with her second, another friend of mine was divorced and she is now married again...it seems like every one I know is getting their own customised effing happy ending. Except me...I seem to be at the same screwed up stage I was at when I gave birth to my son. I mean don't get me wrong, I swear im happy for my friends but it makes me feel like a bit of a loser when my life is stalling and everyone else's is moving forward.
I mean what the hell??!!! I should be running my own private practice by now (I had to quit due to last flareup and thought i'll try again when we move), already had my second child so my poor son who is 2.5 yo doesn't end up a loner with no siblings. What have become of me and my life??!! This is some whacked out crap (as someone so rightly said before- I think it was somedude)...
This cannot be the future that was planned for me, no effing way...I mean I cannot succumb to a life mediated by bathroom visits and dramatic flares and unguaranteed remissions...
To top it off: I have a strong family history of mental illness, OCD bipolar and schizophrenia...lol it's like fruit salad you get each of everything. No shortage of crap...and im worried that this disease is gonna push me to my mental limit and some other crap might happen then. I already have OCD but it's mild and I don't take meds for it. But I do tend to be 'strong' in my emotional reactions and do tend to overwork myself.
Right now I feel extremely depressed...basically feel like there is no way I can live with this illness, either it gets better and stays better or I get surgery. i'd rather that than to get better and then only flareup at some other critical time of my life like postpartum or starting a new job or travelling. So far all my flares coincided with times of great change and it really complicates things for me. Like right now I should be enjoying my time as im moving back closer to my home city and work opportunities are better there. But hey instead im too busy stuffing suppositories up my a** and splurging money on unproven naturopathic protocols.
Anyone ever feel left behind with this disease? how do you deal with it?
Is what im feeling 'normal' considering this is my third flare in less than 2.5 years?
Any advice is appreciated...
26 yo Nutritionist
UC pancolitis dx April 2011 ~1 month after birth of my first child. Remission after a course of pred (hated s/e esp psychological ones!) .
Proctosigmoid flare Jan '12. End flare: Sept 2012. What helped? Prayer (lots) + Paleo and TCM diet, vit E & kefir grain enemas, Isatis cooling, Clipper, acupuncture, NZ colostrum, squatting, psyllium seed.
Post Edited (Conquer UC) : 8/15/2013 11:10:19 PM (GMT-6)