The Gummy Bear Cleanse

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Bacon Girl
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Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 5474
   Posted 11/26/2013 8:54 PM (GMT -7)

I think I cried as I read these gummy bear reviews. if you want to laugh really hard, the first review (one star) is priceless. i was choking when i read it aloud to my sister. the other reviews are hilarious, too, so keep reading for more fun.

I'll post the first review though because i'd hate for you to miss it pahahaa

"Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.


I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks."
Joanna, 24
Meds: 50 mg 6mp, 40 mg prednisone, 54 mg Iron, 10,000 iu Vit D, 1000 mg Calcium, Collagen, 5 g L-glutamine, Zyflamend, Fish Oil, Lacto Reuteri
Diet: Paleo/SCD (meat, fermented dairy, fruits/veggies) and whey protein
Been in the hospital too many times to count, but I won't stop fighting to keep my confused little colon!!

Bacon Girl
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Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 5474
   Posted 11/26/2013 9:00 PM (GMT -7)   
a few of my favorites...

"As I type this review, I'm on the toilet, surrounded by my dearest family and friends and a priest. I'm not exactly sure whether this is an exorcism or if I'm getting my last rites read to me. This very well could be my final crowning moment. I may never make it back to my feet. What a way to go. Will I go out by suffocating in a toxic byproduct stench? Will I croak from my body expelling all essential nutrients for life? Is this the apacolypse?
What is occurring in my body right now may only be explained with the final 20 minutes of the movie Independence Day. The sweet gummy bears that I thought I had chewed and swallowed have now resurrected inside my bowels with a vengeance. The only thing that I can imagine they are doing is ****ting inside my digestive tract. Decomposed zombie gummy bear ****. This can't be all my ****. There's no way. That's not my ****. That's **** from a supernatural entity living inside me. Literally nothing I've eaten in a dozen years could possibly turn my ass into a to-scale model of Mt. St. Helens, violently spewing what smells like a public bus filled with homeless people with fresh perms, in Mexico City at such a cyclic rate, that I'm worried the war veteran below me thinks he's storming Normandy again.
Shame on everyone who handled these bears before they made it to me. Shame on Amazon for making theses available for purchase. Shame on the guy in the warehouse who packaged this for shipment. Shame on the UPS guy for bringing this to my door. You all knew. I know you knew, and you knew I'd know. And you still let me do this to myself. Shame on you!
My last hope now is that the force of gas propelling from my anus may be strong enough to disturb Satan himself in hell. And that he is so angered by this that he sends an entire fleet of brave minions to come up through the toilet and put me out of my misery. "

"Next time I am scheduled for a colonoscopy, I plan to eat sugar free gummi bears instead of drinking that nasty magnesium citrate. The bears are delicious and the cleansing effect is the same!"
Joanna, 24
Meds: 50 mg 6mp, 40 mg prednisone, 54 mg Iron, 10,000 iu Vit D, 1000 mg Calcium, Collagen, 5 g L-glutamine, Zyflamend, Fish Oil, Lacto Reuteri
Diet: Paleo/SCD (meat, fermented dairy, fruits/veggies) and whey protein
Been in the hospital too many times to count, but I won't stop fighting to keep my confused little colon!!

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 15400
   Posted 11/26/2013 9:25 PM (GMT -7)   
I believe it, artificial sweeteners cause me all sorts of problems. I love haribo, the normal ones, not the sugar free :)
Co-moderator: Ulcerative Colitis
Diagnosed with Pancolitis, Laryngopharyngeal Reflux & Migraines. Battling Extreme Exhaustion.
Currently: 6mp (25mg) + Lialda (2400mg) + Canasa (1g PM)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 686
   Posted 11/26/2013 10:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Public bus filled with homeless people with fresh perms. That's funny stuff!
Female, 39-years-old, Texas, USA
DX UC Jan 2011 (symptoms started 2010), asthma, low platelets, low iron, 6MP, Lialda, Antihistamine, Advair 500, Qvar, Singulair, antibiotics, Zofran, multivitamin, iron supplement, gluten free, low fructose, no processed food

Failed: mesalamines, Prednisone, Rowasa, Cortenema, Imuran

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 2999
   Posted 11/27/2013 5:04 AM (GMT -7)   
My Dinner With Andrea is my favorite. The German hints are hilarious.
Diagnosed with UC in '02
Past treatments: Prednisone, Entocort, 5-ASAs, Azathioprine (2.5 yr semi-remission), MTX (6 mo), Remicade (2 yr remission), Humira (8 mo), LDN (2 mo), Uceris (symptom-free within 3 wks)
Currently on 150 mg Azathioprine (Imuran), cortisone suppositories, Zantac 150 mg every 12 h, Nexium
Last coloscopy on 2/28/2013 showed pancolitis

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2012
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 11/27/2013 10:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Lord that is the funniest stuff I have read in a long time!
~*Diagnosed with UC 08/01/2011 after a year of suffering with no explanation*~
~*Diagnosed with Diverticulosis on 08/01/2011*~
currently taking Ultra Flora Plus DF Probiotics 1x daily ; Ranitidine 75mg 1x daily ; Levsin 0.125mg (as needed) ; Lomotil 2.5mg (as needed) ; and Glutagenics Powder 1 scoop 1x daily (L-Glutamine Supplement w/Aloe for gastrointestinal lining support); Lialda 1x daily

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2013
Total Posts : 303
   Posted 11/27/2013 10:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for this, I needed this pick me up :)
Severe UC, 75% of colon, Aug 2013 (30 years old), 2.5 weeks in the hospital, 6.5 weeks of work missed, lost 50 lbs in 5 weeks

Current Meds:
Remicade 10mg/kg - 4 Week interval, Asacol HD 2400 mg x day, Prednisone 15 mg x day (Tapering), Azathioprine 100 mg x day, Ferrous Sulfate 975 mg x day, Ultimate Flora Critical Care 50 Billion 10 Probiotic Strains, Nature's Way Alive! Multi-Vitamin, Lindberg Calcium Supplement

Past Meds:
Lialda - Stopped due to bad reaction (Severe Joint/Muscle Pain), Delzicol - Took while in the hospital, Flagyl - Took while in the hospital, Cipro - Took while in the hospital, Pantoprazole – No longer needed

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 2242
   Posted 11/27/2013 11:21 AM (GMT -7)   
The German stuff is funny. I wonder if he got the second date !!!
Dx 03/2007, left sided UC.
Sulfasalazine 1.5gm, Imuran, 50mg, Vit. B12, 1mg, Multivitamin, 1 tablet, Fish oil 2400mg , Vit D 2000 IU, Benebiotics 2caps, Folic acid 1mg. Canasa

Verapamil 320mg for migraine,
Nabumetone 750mg as an abortive, so far so good with GI side effects.
iHerb code BMV549
$5/$10 off on $20/$40 first purchase

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6447
   Posted 11/27/2013 1:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hysterical! This is exactly what happens to me after I eat them as well. I first noticed it with GummiSavers; oh how I loved them. about 15 minutes later...wham. So I stopped eating them. Of course a few years later I forgot how miserable they made me feel (okay, there was a glimmer of memory in there) so I tried the Welch's fruit things. Need I say more? Thanks for giving me a good belly laugh, Bananagirl!!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2012
Total Posts : 1116
   Posted 11/27/2013 3:36 PM (GMT -7)   
bahaha these are great
Ulcerative Colitis Forum Moderator

UC DXed 2007. ?Remission? by Remicade from flare (Oct. 2012).
Currently on: Imuran 100 mg/1 day, Remicade 600 mg/6 weeks.
Supplements: Vit D 1000 IU/day

Julie Mariah
Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2013
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 11/28/2013 5:26 PM (GMT -7)   
I like the part abt the fresh perms, brings to mind...... as a pre-teens visiting my brother & family in Midland, TX, Sister n law's younger sister & myself complained abt smell of all the gas wells there....think I was the one who commented the smell was like a fart in middle of a perm. We had a big laugh with it.
Female - 64
UC, Pan Colitis, dx Feb 2013 ( symptoms std. summer 2012
Meds: Balsalazide, 3x3

PrevMeds: Prednisone 40-5 Taper, Lialda 4 day

Supplements: Vit. C 500x2 (dry macular degeneration) Probiotic Align, 2 Cal/D, psyllium powder, folic acid, protein shakes, Slippery Elm
No gluten, low dairy & sugar

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 5600
   Posted 11/28/2013 5:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Sitting here with tears coming out of my eyes and I haven't even gotten to the link yet.
Wish I could send these gummies anonymously to a few people I despise, is that wrong? No permanent harm just great distress, the perfect payback.
Current diet=modified Paleo+potatoes, white rice, hard cheese
In remission April 2010 after 10 years of UC with no remission ever
gluten-free (bleeding stopped) and dairy-free (less gas) started remission path+food diary
current meds=(9)Balsalazide daily (mesalamine enema only when needed)
Rx meds have never worked for me except for mesalamine enema

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 11/28/2013 6:40 PM (GMT -7)   
My favorite was the parents who ordered them and let their kid eat them! I am Mother of the year now! That poor kid.
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