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Feeling guilty for having UC

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Posted 6/2/2017 9:29 AM (GMT -7)
Hi all, one thing that I’ve been struggling with is the emotional stress of having UC – in particular, guilt. I can’t help feeling that this condition is somehow my fault and is being triggered by something I am doing. I feel guilty most of all in front of my mom and the rest of my family. They are doing everything they can to make me feel better and have a positive attitude. However, once their efforts fail, I feel like I’m somehow letting them down and not living up to their expectations. I am not as energetic and excited about things as before, and I feel like people are disappointed to see this. I also feel guilty in front of my friends with whom I am not able to be as good of a friend. I’m also guilty in relation to myself, for missing out on career opportunities and other important life events.

I know that this is not the right attituded, but I am having difficulties moving on. I would appreciate some advice on staying positive and putting things in the right perspective.
Posted 6/2/2017 10:39 AM (GMT -7)
I've talked with a folks in my office over the years, and I find there are many others around me who struggle with invisible illness just like ours. Whether it's chronic back pain, depressions and anxieties, chronic fatigue and any variety of other things. I'd occasionally get hit with folks asking me how I dropped weight so fast, look ghostly white and ill, etc. I'd share what's going on and most had another chronic issue of their own. It's not the kinda thing they wear as a badge on their shoulder, but hide and cope like we do with UC. They put a smile on their face, and go about their day despite it hurting, like we do. We just assume we're the only ones being held back, and other's are perfectly happy and that's usually not the reality we assume it is. At least for me, it helped knowing I'm not the only one...
Posted 6/2/2017 10:40 AM (GMT -7)
My suggestion is to stay real. Being positive, in most senses of people's pespectives, means pretend.

This is what you have, and as far as others to have expectations of what you should feel, that is their problem.

There is nothing positive about having UC...period. It's llifelong, its expensive, it controls our lives in various ways, and for the most part it's a disease that's been handed down in our genetics.

Your fault? Nope. And you wont be able to wish it away or positive it into submission.

It is what it is. Get real smart about medications, food intake to help some symptoms that cause you discomfort, supplements, and anything else that will ease your anguish. If you let people or yourself cause guilt, seek counselling or therapy so that you can empower yourself to tell them to stop.

Encouragement can sometimes be a form of control so that others dont have to listen to complaining. Your mom may feel guilty and is projecting it on you. Maybe ask others what they feel about you having UC.

Hang tough. It's a lot to deal with and life always tends to get in the way of functioning. State your feelings, find your balance. Be realistic in your expectations. It's not your responsibility about how others feel about what you have.

Hugs,
q
Posted 6/2/2017 10:46 AM (GMT -7)
This is understandable, but also not rational belief.

Having a chronic illness, and being objective about how it influences family and friendship relations is a big topic.

I would really recommend some counseling sessions. If they use the diagnosis "Adjustment Issue" it should even be covered by most insurance plans.

Why carry one more burden than you have to?

Good luck
Posted 6/2/2017 10:53 AM (GMT -7)
DB....what is "adjustment issue" as a diagnosis? Have never heard of it, and interesting it would be covered by insurance.

q
Posted 6/2/2017 10:57 AM (GMT -7)
Katerina-b,

I had UC since I was 22 years old. There was no shortage of well meaning advice and help. I had many negative thoughts about myself, and felt at times that I failed everybody including myself. The only hope I can offer is that these feelings went away over time - I still have them sometimes, but I am getting better in seeing them for what they are: useless. There is also new evidence that inflammation can also lead to depression (e.g. youtube videos from Dr. Rhonda Patrick) and that therefore fighting inflammation through healthy plant based food as well as exercise and sunshine is very important. I certainly had my fair share of depressive episodes, but I just discovered this link myself. I now drink a daily smoothie with Amla powder, Moringa leaves, and (for me important) Qing Dai powder, with apples, berries, and tons of green leaves. I also take vitamin D 5000 IU when I spent too much time inside and for the last 6 months have felt better than in decades.

good food for UC: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4220497/

Somehow a view of life that this is just all caused by some chemicals being wrong inside my body helped me. My brain was trying to be fully functional for years, but couldn't always compensate for the weakness I felt on many days. I'm not sure I'm helping you, but I know that I also discovered many things about myself through this horrible disease.

I wish you all the best,
D.

Post Edited (Dawgg) : 6/2/2017 12:01:02 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/2/2017 9:03 PM (GMT -7)

quincy said...
My suggestion is to stay real. Being positive, in most senses of people's pespectives, means pretend.

This is what you have, and as far as others to have expectations of what you should feel, that is their problem.

There is nothing positive about having UC...period. It's llifelong, its expensive, it controls our lives in various ways, and for the most part it's a disease that's been handed down in our genetics.

Your fault? Nope. And you wont be able to wish it away or positive it into submission.

It is what it is. Get real smart about medications, food intake to help some symptoms that cause you discomfort, supplements, and anything else that will ease your anguish. If you let people or yourself cause guilt, seek counselling or therapy so that you can empower yourself to tell them to stop.

Encouragement can sometimes be a form of control so that others dont have to listen to complaining. Your mom may feel guilty and is projecting it on you. Maybe ask others what they feel about you having UC.

Hang tough. It's a lot to deal with and life always tends to get in the way of functioning. State your feelings, find your balance. Be realistic in your expectations. It's not your responsibility about how others feel about what you have.

Hugs,
q

Best piece of all-around IBD advise right here.
Posted 6/2/2017 9:49 PM (GMT -7)
😎
Posted 6/3/2017 12:32 AM (GMT -7)
What you describe sounds very much like depression. It's very common for those of us who have chronic health issues to be depressed. I encourage you to discuss this with your primary care doctor. A mild anti-depressant accompanied by counseling might work wonders for you. Remember, for those of us with IBD, a healthy mind seems to be followed by a healthy body.
Posted 6/3/2017 7:49 AM (GMT -7)
Doesn't sound realistic.....Having depression controlled does not make UC go away or be controlled...aka healthy.

Remember that healthy mind and healthy body, to many, can mean perfect and without issues.

Hence the guilt they feel about such a HIGH standard and being a failure at not being able to achieve it.

q
Posted 6/4/2017 8:40 PM (GMT -7)
I felt like a failure for not being able to control my UC. Staying positive is hard, and facing a life with chronic illness makes it harder. Talking to other people with UC/IBD issues has been helpful for me, because they can relate to my struggles. I have looked into support groups, although I haven't been able to attend any yet, and this forum has helped me a lot too.
I have struggled with my parents' reactions: thinking that I am always hiding how ill I am, concern that I am on medications, concern that I'm not on medications, fixation on what caused me to get UC, and more. I try to tell myself that they are trying to express their love for me, even if it comes out in a way that is not always helpful to me. Sometimes this helps me, but sometimes I still get frustrated.
Posted 6/5/2017 1:21 PM (GMT -7)
Thank you all for the replies, your advise is really useful. Like quincy said, I always try to stay pragmatic/realistic about my condition. However people often interpret it as being negative. I think that dealing with my parents' reaction is the hardest, as they are convinced that they know what is best for me and try to protect me from making wrong decisions in relation to my uc. It surely doesn't help being from a "medically conservative" culture where it is believed the body will heal itself.
Posted 6/5/2017 11:49 PM (GMT -7)
What medically conservative culture?

You need to talk with your parents about it.

q
Posted 6/6/2017 2:41 AM (GMT -7)
You can control how much information you share with your parents. If their advice isn't helpful then I'd tell them very little about your uc appointments, symptoms, meds, etc. How's your UC? It's always fine, how about those Chicago Bulls? smile
Posted 6/6/2017 3:35 AM (GMT -7)
The body heals itself all the time - from cuts, wounds, burns, etc. It does in fact try to heal your inflamed colon as well - but the dumbass immune system keeps on attacking it again. Ask your parents how you 'heal' an immune system that has become primed to over-attack because of a fault somewhere in the genes which instruct it how to behave in the event of intruders. On second thoughts don't ask them that - they'll probably recommend vitamin C or something. Just go with iPoop's approach. If you are an adult you don't need to share details of your medical treatments with your parents.
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