I've been sick for about
5 days now. I'm hacking up phlegm but it's not pneumonia, I was given a chest x-ray and all that. But it has gone into my lungs. Feels very similar to the flu. I am mostly tired of all the coughing.
My anxiety comes from many places. I was already in isolation for about
4 months due to my flare, and then just as I was about
to be well enough to start rejoining the world, I'm back in isolation again. Everyone is grieving because of loss of income and isolation, but that has been my reality since September. So having it extended is really hard on my psyche. I'm not sure that recovering from corona means I can go out and be free in the world. The scientists haven't figured out if reinfection is possible due to mutation, so I might still have to practice the same quarantine procedures all of society is doing.
I am grieving the loss of my life. UC already has stolen so much time from me. I have lost relationships, work, income, hope, you name it. I'm only 35 but I feel like I might as well be 80. Most of my friends are no longer in my life because they have progressed beyond me, and I am still right where they left me. I have one or two good friends I still see, except not anymore thanks to corona. I'd get therapy but I can't afford it. A registered counsellor is about
$140 per session. That's too steep for me.
I do at home workouts, talk to friends on the phone, work on my new website, and I'm studying a couple of university courses to learn things I'm interested in. But my anxiety never really goes away. Between what's happening to me and what's happening in the world, I don't feel like I want to live in this reality. I have suffered a lot and the suffering never seems to end. I'm just happy to not be in the worst flare state like I was a few months ago. I just wish the 12 hour transit time would calm down. It's not due to anxiety, I've been having this for months. In past flares the transit time got better as time went on but it has barely changed at all. I'm at a loss.
Someone recently said to me it's not about
the cards you've dealt it's how you play your hand, but my options are very limited.
Post Edited (VanJordan) : 3/30/2020 3:14:04 PM (GMT-6)