Yesterday I went to a little farmers lunch. It was outside. The seatings were pretty far apart. There were little heaters spaced around the gathering. The "old timers" were discussing (1) the new "city-slickers" moving in on the lots in the new subdivision they were building on....and (2) the new property owners that had bought big tractors cause they thought it was a "farm or ranchette" when it was a half acre or an acre lot and (3) how their children did not understand the concept that private property was private and you should never trespass...although recently they'd heard stories that some of the kids had learned that lesson the hard way.... And finally.....the ways they could help these "city slickers" before someone else got hurt because they just didn't understand farm life...... At that moment their heads all swiveled to look at me.... hmmmmm...and they started grinning from ear to ear. I suddenly realized--they knew a little something about
something. Yes... Yes.... There's been yet another Clo farm adventure. I of course had to get up to do my part...ie; explain, charm and make them laugh. I broke out in a sweat before standing to offer my explanation because Rosie (my stoma) has not been acting politely lately plus she has forgotten how to use her inside voice....(but then again we were outside...) Rosie decided to pass gas and grumble and make noise so fast that those nearest to me received the full audio enjoyment. Mortified I looked down at the table, saw 2 spoons and wondered how quickly I could tunnel my way home, but instead.... I pointed to the general Rosie area and introduced her to them by explaining she was being difficult. They kindly listened and nodded but I could tell.... For most of them... This was old news... They wanted the "good stuff". I tell ya--they are addicted to my exploits by now.
A few nights ago the newbie local kids were racing up and down in front of my house... They'd been very mischievous lately..... They had removed solar lights that marked a driveway from the driveway posts and moved them down 6 or 8 feet to another area. Then they sat and watched to see if the property owner would turn into the wrong area designated between the misplaced lights and drive down into the ditch.....
Ok...this one did make me chuckle so hard I almost wet my pants. The ditch isn't that deep...lol... But I still don't know if the owners went into that ditch because I was trotting down the road with my walker to warn them and they were trying to wave me off.... or if they were trying to identify the wild woman that kept stopping her walker, waving her arms in the air and screaming YaaaaWhooooo??? Hello? Can you hear me now,? ) In my defense--I was trying to warn them!!! .....even if I was howling with laughter..... And puleeeze.. they've lived there for long enough they should know where their and their neighbors driveways are!
The kids had also moved stuff around in yards...... so you had to hike and find it.... It's been challenging. They are smart, quiet and they haven't been caught yet.... so things seemed to be escalating with this group of teen agers. I was sorta "lying in wait" for them. I thought I had plans.
So....I was trying to sleep and they were having drag races in front of my house--but I decideed I was not calling the police that night. Someone else could. Suddenly I heard someone on my porch, so I grabbed my walker with the squeaky wheels and trotted as fast as possible to the front of the house. Eeeeekkkkk.... Eeeeekk..eeeeekkkk....the wheels screeched..... And I could hear the kids, whispering and walking off the porch around to the back windows. It was 1030 or 11 at night and I was wondering what they were doing? I could hear them.. going round the corner... I whipped the walker around, digging around inside for anything I could use to protect myself. Eeeeeeek eeeeeeek eeeeeek... Those Darn wheels were telling exactly where I was...but no worries. I now was armed with a can of manual pump hair spray in one hand and a Twinkie in the other....I was ready...as long as it was just the obnoxious kids and not burglars. They were trudging around to the back.
I could feel my intestines going wild. I was cursing the giant bump in my eye impacting my vision, the bad knees that make the likelihood of me actually catching or running away from these intruders nearly impossible... Yet still..... Back I went. Eeek eekk....eeeek.. I wheeled around the corner of my bedroom and my Gosh... The screen was torn! I screeched like a banshee.... Yelling out.... I'm armed. I'm armed!! you better run away.... While calling 911and tossing the device inside the seat of my walker. I heard them turn around towards the other side of the house, away I went struggling to keep up with them....eeeek eeeek eeek... Oh no!!! Another screen was torn!!! I'm so mad at this point, I actually primed the hairspray pump just in case. I was not going down without a fight.... 3rd bedroom... I finally see a head silhouette in the window. I spewed warnings like a mighty volcano until I turned and saw a 3rd person running down my driveway with a flashlight bobbing up and down like a dog's tail.. The lights Whipping from place to place... And more whispering and a voice saying.. Damn you've torn all the screens. Someone's gonna be mad at you. Why'd you pick this house to vandalize or try to get into? We gotta get outta here before she comes out with a gun or calls the police .... I could hear them escaping towards the truck that I could see parked in the road. Eeek eeek eeek... I wheeled towards the front door... I'm totally ticked by now. Who's gonna pay for these damages? I trotted down the driveway towards the man who was trying to get in his truck screaming..... Stop I'm armed!!! Don't make me use this!!!!! The man stops and puts his arms up in the air... I told him... Do not move until the police get here. Not a word.
I was frantically looking for at least two more people. They were No where in sight..... I could see what I thought was the police car hauling butt with blue lights flashing. They stopped in the roadway. I turned towards the guy with his hands in the air, saw the police
open their door, but suddenly there were two sets of steps behind me. My head was whipping around trying to place everyone. I suddenly realized that behind me there was now a mule standing there trying to get to me.. And I screamed towards the police car..... OMG.... Look at the giant jack a55!!! Get back you jack a55.... The guy by the truck moved so I bellowed I'm armed... Don't make me use it.... The police are now crouched by their cars .. the donkey wrestled the Twinkie from my fingers, I dropped the hairspray, The police came racing towards the lady with the walker.... And the darn kids sped outta there like their tails were on fire!!! And it was not even the police!!! It was the water guy that left the gate to the farm across the street
open and the animals escaped. His "accomplice" friend was trying to help him round the animals up before his boss found out....
To add insult to injury That darn donkey was eating my lucky Twinkie thru the screen he already had stuffed in his mouth! But Thankfully the employee had called the police when I was chasing the "accomplice" and explained that he'd let out 49 acres worth of animals...and they'd been sneaking around trying to round them up...although they had no idea exactly how many there were. The police pulled up braying like my new found friend and asked me if I wanted to help catch and put all the animals back up with my 4 wheeler instead of my walker. I reached inside my walker seat to talk to the dispatcher and realized it was my T.V. remote in there. I'd changed the channel to 91, 19 and then 11. What a night.
I did get in the four wheeler to help the young men for awhile... Until I was turning around in the neighbor's "driveway" and got stuck in their ditch....right beside their lights....that had been moved to a new place.....LOL.
So.. please remember that when you are battling your disease, or facing an unexpected crazy challenge (for example..someone that's telling you to freeze with a can of hairspray and a twinkie in their hand, or a donkey that eats screens, or kids learning new jobs and how to respect others property,) it's teaching you things about
yourself you sometimes thought you'd never be capable of.
For me... It's laughing at myself. What is it for you?
Post Edited (clo2014) : 1/20/2023 10:39:33 AM (GMT-8)