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Ulcerative Colitis
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Posted 8/16/2007 12:04 AM (GMT -6)
i'm 22 and still covered by my father;s heath insurance, i also happen to have the sweetest, more understanding family in the word. they do not, for one second, think that my colon problems are my fault (neither do i). but i am RACKED with guilt about the hospital costs, special GI doctors, tests, pills, everything--i'm just working part time while I do an internship (post college). i HATE how much pain i have caused them. every time my stomach hurts or they have to take me to the hospital, the pain is so evident on their face. and i know i should feel lucky that i have parents who are so involved, but i HATE HATE HATE that i put the through so much emotional and financial. and they would hate to hear me say this--they try to hide it from me...but i just feel terrible about a)making them worry and b) the money. can anyone else relate?
Posted 8/16/2007 12:41 AM (GMT -6)
Hi...I can't relate exactly, but I can understand to the guilt in general and not being healthy where someone else has to support me.

You have to forgive yourself for having health problems, be thankful you are loved and able to have your health care paid by your parents.
You're working on feeling better, and once you get healthier your emotional state will improve.

Tell them you love them, thank them for loving you. Let it go, put it in your heart, and go on with your life the best you are able at this time.

Don't continue to punish yourself...would you not do the same for your child?

What you're feeling is normal....but try not to let it get in too deep so that you hinder your own well being. I have been there in the past for longer than I care to say...therapy defintely helped, but I also had many issues to deal with. I didn't have a great relationship with my parents, but they would have done as your parents are doing.

quincy
Posted 8/16/2007 7:57 AM (GMT -6)
I'm 29, married, unemployed and my family is still paying for my health bills. My parents are the most wonderful people in the entire world. My insurance sucks beyond belief and my parents don't think it's right that we should have to pay so much becuase I can't get covered. They have supported me through ten years of college (dropping out constantly becuase of flares). When my meds were $1000 a month they bought them for me. They love me and I am so grateful for everything they have done, not just finacially. Through ten years of this diesease they have been there for me. My mom still goes to every appointment with me.

The guilt is unavoidable. I feel like a burden. I know they don't see it that way but I feel at this age I should be abel to take care of myself. My husband also feels the guilt. He wants to be able to support me himself (and without all the medical bills we would be pretty comfy). My family has the money which helps with the guilt. I just make sure to do everything I possible can for them. I drive them to the airport, do some research for my computer inept dad, make sure to be available when they have service peopel coming to the house and need someone to wait for them....anything i can do for them.

There is nothing anyone can do to stop parents worrying. The look on their faces is one that says they wish they were the sick ones instead. Theya re going to worry. That is why my mom is at evey appointment i go to. Its why i have coffe with my dad once a week just to talk and show hime I am doing ok. Being involved keeps some of the worry at bay.

It's hard not to feel guilty but I think we will understand this better once we have kids (if that is in your life plan), i don't think we can fully understand the love our parents have for us and how they see us, not as a burden in anyway, but as a part of them. I know my parents would worry more if they were not contributing. They would worry about my finances and insurance. So now i just try to pay them back in kind with love and favors.
Posted 8/16/2007 1:47 PM (GMT -6)
Hey Birdiem, I'm 48 and it took me almost a year to tell my parents I had been dx'd with UC because I didn't want them to have to worry about anything else. It was so odd because I kept trying to find the right time to tell especially my Mom who I'm super close to. It was tough because I know she would want to know, but I didn't want to cause any undue stress or worrying as my parents are elderly. So, finally I tell my Mom, and what does she say to me? "Why did you wait so long to tell me....did you think I couldn't handle it?" Hee hee. So I internalized all that guilt and worrying for nothing. The best part is that now my parents both know, and they are very supportive...as well as my sister's and brother. Take care, and know you aren't alone in your feelings.
Posted 8/16/2007 2:39 PM (GMT -6)
Great story, Carol!

Part of being a human being is the joy that come from being able to help others. Truly. And part of being a member of a family is the joy of being able to help family members -- perhaps THE most important people on the planet to each of us.

It isn't your fault that you're sick. Your parents understand that. They WANT to help. Like one of you said, they only wish they could take your illness on themselves to relieve you of it. I would imagine most every parent would feel that way about their child.

Try not to dwell on it. Just recognize and appreciate the gift you get from them. I personally don't know where in the world I'd be without my family, since I get so very much support, encouragement and love from them.

Mitz
Posted 8/16/2007 4:30 PM (GMT -6)
birdiem
I think it is wonderful that you have such loving parents. Do not feel guilty. Guilt is a waste of your energy. Love them back......that is what really matters.

When I was diagnosed, it was almost a relief for my parents. It took them a long time to figure it out (and as I told you the diagnostic tools were limited in 1961/62. In fact, my father told me years later that in the beginning, the doctors had told my parents it could be leukemia. So when they told them UC, even though they never heard of it, they were sort of relieved because at least it would not kill me.

My mother worked in a factory and every day after work for a month, she took the bus from the factory to the hospital and my dad, who was a cop, got to take the late shift each night so he could be with me every day at the hospital. He taught me cribbage and we played every day.....for a quarter a game (the televisions back then required a quarter for every hour to run them.

Both my parents, my dad told me years later, felt guilty. They wondered what they had done wrong (with diet) or if somehow I was stressed. It was long after they both died before the medical field really understood that UC is genetic.

I think their love and support helped me get through the worst times (which were from about 15 through 30 when my flares were most often and most intense). But I think nothing is healthier than having the love and support of family. Cherish it and pass it on.
Posted 8/16/2007 6:26 PM (GMT -6)
birdiem, I am the mother of bratcat who has UC. PLEASE DON'T FEEL GUILTY. I know my husband and I would do anything to "make it all better" for bratcat (and her siblings) anytime they are hurting. The pain you see from your parents is seeing their own child hurting. It's wonderful that they are there for you. Let them be there. You are not a burden to them. You are their child and they will always want to protect you (no matter how old you are). There is also an underlying sense of guilt that parents have when things go wrong for their children. Be it UC, needing glasses, learning disabilities, not being good in sports...you get the picture. We know it is usually a stupid guilt to have but it is there nonetheless. You're only 22. I know you are becoming an independent adult but give yourself some more time. Even if it is a financial or emotional "burden" on your parents (which I doubt they see it that way), I am sure they wouldn't have it any other way.

Posted 8/16/2007 7:46 PM (GMT -6)
thank you so much and i want you guys to know that you have been just as supportive as my family. with this forum, i feel like i can give then an emotional, if not financial break. you all help me so much.
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