Feeling Stuck, depressing post

Hi everyone, depressing post here, just warning you all.

   I am feeling stuck in a dead-end marriage. Quincy, you have counseled me on this before and I thought things were getting better, well, they were for a while. My husband is a recovering alcoholic, (been sober from drinking 11 years now), but his addiction has only shifted to other things. For a while it was real-estate. THen it was Drag racing, Now it's Hunting. I wake up and hunting shows are on, I go to bed and hunting shows are on. I have a few prescriptions that my dr. has given me to help me deal with my U/C, such as Xanax and Ambien for sleep at night. If I don't hide the pill bottles, he takes most of them and if I run out, too bad for me....

   I have finally found a good hiding spot and he hasn't been taking them for a couple of weeks now, but our relationship has been changing, less to no sex, (sorry everyone) we are more like roommates than a married couple. I have been thinking about moving into another bedroom. I can't move out because I have 3 horses and a dog and no job outside the home. He can't move out because of our home based business, I have worked outside the home and actually owned an art gallery, but had to sell it due to my U/C.

   I swear, this is going to sound weird, but right now I have no desire to even have a relationship with a man, and was thinking I would be happy living here with my husband just as roommates, each of us doing our own thing.... Me with my horses and him with his "whatever"..... He has a way of making me feel bad about myself.... he's a name caller, (not foul names) just things like " a whiny schoolgirl" or he says I act like my son's girlfriend instead of his mother. I only see my son 2 times a year and when he's here, I like to spend all my time with him... Is that bad????  Sorry to vent, but my U/C has actually been holding itself at bay through all this, due to taking my meds RELEGIOUSLY, but I don't know if it can hold out for ever with all this crap going on in my mind.

   I know that nobody can really do anything for me, but I just had to vent out my feelings and maybe get a few hugs from you guys here... thanks for listening and I hope it wasn't too depressing....

 

Hon, the last thing you need is someone to make you feel worse about yourself. Obviously, I can say you shouldn't allow him to do that to you, but that's rather difficult when it's your spouse and you live together -- and worse yet, you never get a break from each other if he's working at a home based business. Shame on him for doing that to you.

Only you know what's right for you as far as staying or leaving, working on your marriage or throwing in the towel. Have you had a frank discussion with your husband about all of this? If you are feeling well enough, could you get a part-time job, if only to make some social connections and get out of the house a bit? As a person with major depression issues myself, I know that feeling of stuckness and it just sucks. Depression zaps your energy and gets your thinking all out of whack -- at least it did for me. Getting out of the house always gave me so much better perspective. I was not stupid or awful. The world was full of people with problems -- some even bigger than my own!!! Perspective, perspective, perspective.

I think the advice to seek counseling is a good one, but I understand, too, the costs involved can be enormous. How receptive do you believe your husband would be to attending counseling? Are you members of a church where you could perhaps get counseling on a free or on a sliding scale basis? Have you checked out Al-Anon? Even if your husband has been sober for 11 years, I've found many alcoholics hang onto alcoholic-like behavior, even when they are no longer drinking. The issues are still there as if he's drinking but he's not. Maybe you could find some effective ways of dealing with those issues by talking with spouses and loved ones of others in the same situation.

He has no right to be jealous of your relationship with your son, but people are just people. He should keep his cutting words to himself. This is your son, after all, and if you see him twice a year, he should be able to put up with practically anything for that limited period of time. That is really uncalled for.

As to stealing your meds -- unforgivable, unconscionable. No excuse for that, and certainly is a red flag for addiction-like behavior again.

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. I hope I've offered some commiseration and some ideas for a start.

Hugs,
Mitz

  I'm not married (and never have been) so I'm not sure what to tell you to do.  But, I know that UC takes so much out of you emotionally and physically that it makes it hard to focus on anything else at all.  Your health should be a high priority.  I know in my own life that it's hard to be sick and try to have a relationship or even relate to anyone else.  Maybe couseling would help you.  I just wanted you to know I hope you feel better.  Sometimes life is hard.  I don't know how we were all blessed with this disease but I know it makes the rest of life harder.  I hope things get better and I'll send you a hug to help.  Good luck and hang in there!

Becky

Ditto to what everyone else says about counseling (for you only) My ex-husband (may he get hit by a bus) was an alcoholic, stopped drinking but changed to smoking pot. Thats all they do is switch one addiction for another. It's time to think of you! Check out counseling, don't even ask him. He's a selfish, self absorbed man (no this is not bitterness, this is been-there-done that) You need to get out of the house and realize what a fantastic person you are! Do not let him define you, GO FOR IT!!!

Hi Susiebuddy,

I am sorry to here that you are in such a bad situation. Don't let a man ruin your life--he's not worth it. I know it is much easier said than done. But, he definitely needs help for his addictions. You should think about yourself and make yourself a number one priority--along from any children you may have of course. The idea of taking a vacation and seeing a counselor to sort out your own issues sound good. I understand the feeling of being strangers with your husband and having no intimacy for a long time quite well. It feels so lousy and depressing. It makes you wonder what is this marriage even about. I am sending you many hugs. I hope that you feel a little more supported. Feel free to complain anytime.

Oh Wilma...that's definitely tough to hear. Our perspectives are always changing, and you're seeing things as they've progressed/regressed. It's never an easy or comfortable place to be.

I would skip the joint/marriage counselling and go on your own. If you went to Al-anon, it would be a place where you'll be heard and counselled to match your situation.

Find out your options, and realise your husband needs to seek help for himself...

Addicts won't change if their environment (others) enables them.

Make your decisons for yourself/for your future. You can always ask your husband to come down the new path toward change..but if he won't, make sure you're ready to leave him behind and continue on your own.

Realise and know what you want....make the goals....gather your options...set it in motion.

I wonder what Wilma would do???

I agree with the others to up the Effexor to at least 75mg to start.
You don't have to go it totaly alone, remember. It's still good to vent.

Good thoughts your way...
quincy xx

Oh, a vacation in Montana sounds WONDERFUL! I love the fall up north. Sigh... I have a fond spot in my heart for MT - I'd love to retire there! My hounds are also from a kennel outside of Glendive - she raises dogs, he raises horses.

Where about in Montana is your place? Is there anyone you know out there that has a corral you could use until you get something set up?