Feeling Stuck, depressing post

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Susiebuddy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 1373
   Posted 10/2/2007 6:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone, depressing post here, just warning you all.
 
   I am feeling stuck in a dead-end marriage. Quincy, you have counseled me on this before and I thought things were getting better, well, they were for a while. My husband is a recovering alcoholic, (been sober from drinking 11 years now), but his addiction has only shifted to other things. For a while it was real-estate. THen it was Drag racing, Now it's Hunting. I wake up and hunting shows are on, I go to bed and hunting shows are on. I have a few prescriptions that my dr. has given me to help me deal with my U/C, such as Xanax and Ambien for sleep at night. If I don't hide the pill bottles, he takes most of them and if I run out, too bad for me....
 
   I have finally found a good hiding spot and he hasn't been taking them for a couple of weeks now, but our relationship has been changing, less to no sex, (sorry everyone) we are more like roommates than a married couple. I have been thinking about moving into another bedroom. I can't move out because I have 3 horses and a dog and no job outside the home. He can't move out because of our home based business, I have worked outside the home and actually owned an art gallery, but had to sell it due to my U/C.
 
   I swear, this is going to sound weird, but right now I have no desire to even have a relationship with a man, and was thinking I would be happy living here with my husband just as roommates, each of us doing our own thing.... Me with my horses and him with his "whatever"..... He has a way of making me feel bad about myself.... he's a name caller, (not foul names) just things like " a whiny schoolgirl" or he says I act like my son's girlfriend instead of his mother. I only see my son 2 times a year and when he's here, I like to spend all my time with him... Is that bad????  Sorry to vent, but my U/C has actually been holding itself at bay through all this, due to taking my meds RELEGIOUSLY, but I don't know if it can hold out for ever with all this crap going on in my mind.
 
   I know that nobody can really do anything for me, but I just had to vent out my feelings and maybe get a few hugs from you guys here... thanks for listening and I hope it wasn't too depressing....
 
 
SusieBuddy  
Diagnosed with U/C January 31st, 2004, IBS on July 21st, 2006, Dr says possible Crohn's...We'll see..
 
Meds: Rowasa enema's - OK, finally got brave enough to start every other night.
         Canasa 1000mg. AM Only, - Bentyl 10mg. As needed, - Culturelle 1x a day 
         Nexium - 40mg, 1x per day, - Xanax .5mg as needed which is haldly ever, 
         Effexor 37.5mg. 
 
         www.myspace.com/77016897         


princesa
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 2198
   Posted 10/2/2007 7:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Marriage counseling would be ideal, but if he won't agree to it, you should definitely pursue counseling on your own to help you sort through a host of issues... your illness, marital problems, depression, his abuse of your prescription meds.
Diagnosed with ulcerative colitis spring 1999
C-scope confirmed UC diagnosis 9/18/2007
No explanation for right side pain and thickening of bowel wall
 
Maintenance dose sulfasalazine, back on a pred taper for first flare in years
Probiotics, l-glutamine and fish oil caps. George's aloe vera juice and Mucosaheal.
 
 


MitzMN
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 622
   Posted 10/2/2007 8:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Hon, the last thing you need is someone to make you feel worse about yourself. Obviously, I can say you shouldn't allow him to do that to you, but that's rather difficult when it's your spouse and you live together -- and worse yet, you never get a break from each other if he's working at a home based business. Shame on him for doing that to you.

Only you know what's right for you as far as staying or leaving, working on your marriage or throwing in the towel. Have you had a frank discussion with your husband about all of this? If you are feeling well enough, could you get a part-time job, if only to make some social connections and get out of the house a bit? As a person with major depression issues myself, I know that feeling of stuckness and it just sucks. Depression zaps your energy and gets your thinking all out of whack -- at least it did for me. Getting out of the house always gave me so much better perspective. I was not stupid or awful. The world was full of people with problems -- some even bigger than my own!!! Perspective, perspective, perspective.

I think the advice to seek counseling is a good one, but I understand, too, the costs involved can be enormous. How receptive do you believe your husband would be to attending counseling? Are you members of a church where you could perhaps get counseling on a free or on a sliding scale basis? Have you checked out Al-Anon? Even if your husband has been sober for 11 years, I've found many alcoholics hang onto alcoholic-like behavior, even when they are no longer drinking. The issues are still there as if he's drinking but he's not. Maybe you could find some effective ways of dealing with those issues by talking with spouses and loved ones of others in the same situation.

He has no right to be jealous of your relationship with your son, but people are just people. He should keep his cutting words to himself. This is your son, after all, and if you see him twice a year, he should be able to put up with practically anything for that limited period of time. That is really uncalled for.

As to stealing your meds -- unforgivable, unconscionable. No excuse for that, and certainly is a red flag for addiction-like behavior again.

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. I hope I've offered some commiseration and some ideas for a start.

Hugs,
Mitz
Sporadic proctitis since about 1985. Mother had UC, then J-pouch surgery 1983.
DX'd with clostridium difficile in 2000. Prednisone, two courses of Flagyl, then Vancomycin finally got rid of it. Symptomatic with UC after that.
Colonoscopy in 2001 dx'd left-sided UC. Was pretty darn ill at that time. Treated with prednisone, Rowasa, Asacol. Asacol not working so switched to Imuran. Three small flares since in 2002, 2005, and 2007.
Gall bladder attack 6/13; ultrasound showed stones; surgery before end of 2007.
100 mg Azathioprine and 225 mg Effexor XR (for chronic, longstanding depression) daily.

Post Edited (MitzMN) : 10/2/2007 9:53:10 AM (GMT-6)


MitzMN
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 622
   Posted 10/2/2007 8:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh, I see you're on Effexor XR, a very small dose. Are you on that for depression -- if I may be so bold to ask? Maybe it's time to bump that up a little? It can't hurt and it surely could help. I take 225 mgs a day, and I know the max dose is somewhere around 300 a day, so you, on only 37.5 really could double or even triple that and easily be below the max dose. This assumes, of course, that you are on it for depression.

Just another thought.

Mitz
Sporadic proctitis since about 1985. Mother had UC, then J-pouch surgery 1983.
DX'd with clostridium difficile in 2000. Prednisone, two courses of Flagyl, then Vancomycin finally got rid of it. Symptomatic with UC after that.
Colonoscopy in 2001 dx'd left-sided UC. Was pretty darn ill at that time. Treated with prednisone, Rowasa, Asacol. Asacol not working so switched to Imuran. Three small flares since in 2002, 2005, and 2007.
Gall bladder attack 6/13; ultrasound showed stones; surgery before end of 2007.
100 mg Azathioprine and 225 mg Effexor XR (for chronic, longstanding depression) daily.


chicagoatc
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 133
   Posted 10/2/2007 9:30 AM (GMT -7)   

  I'm not married (and never have been) so I'm not sure what to tell you to do.  But, I know that UC takes so much out of you emotionally and physically that it makes it hard to focus on anything else at all.  Your health should be a high priority.  I know in my own life that it's hard to be sick and try to have a relationship or even relate to anyone else.  Maybe couseling would help you.  I just wanted you to know I hope you feel better.  Sometimes life is hard.  I don't know how we were all blessed with this disease but I know it makes the rest of life harder.  I hope things get better and I'll send you a hug to help.  Good luck and hang in there!

Becky


29 years old; diagnosed since 1997 (but I've had it forever)
 
Current meds:
-Currently awaiting entry to Humira study
-Prednisone starting at 40mg. Having to hang at 20mg for the study!
-Asacol 12/day
-Failed Remicade (8/06-8/07)
-Calcium (for my steroid-affected bones)
-Prenatal vitamins (for the extra stuff, not for pregnancy)
-Miralax (because surprisingly I need it sometimes)


NuffinButtTrouble
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 679
   Posted 10/2/2007 9:49 AM (GMT -7)   
 
This is not a solution but, maybe a good vacation is in order where you go alone or with a friend; especially since you work at home with your husband...sometimes you need a break.
 
Marriage is a work in progress and there will always be challenges, but your husband needs professional help. There are other things too...sometimes when there are problems men tend not to communicate, instead we often isolate ourselves with other things in an attempt to stay away from our wives. For me, starting with communication is the key to get things moving...going out to dinner, etc. helps to fertilize a marriage as well. I have found that it's very easy to give up on a marriage when it's not going right, but it takes communication, hard work, determination, creativity and love, etc. to make it work.
 
In the meantime, why not treat yourself to a nice vacation...surely you deserve it!

tongue

NBT


Diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis January 2007
Meds: Remicade, Primal Defense Ultra, Multi-vitamins (also iron, B12, Magnesium and Zinc), Flaxseed/Home Bounty Fish Oil
Swanson Ultra Caprylic Acid (natural anti-fungal) 600mg x2 daily
Carrot & Garlic supplements (natural anti-fungal) x2 daily
 


barbl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 320
   Posted 10/2/2007 10:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Ditto to what everyone else says about counseling (for you only) My ex-husband (may he get hit by a bus) was an alcoholic, stopped drinking but changed to smoking pot. Thats all they do is switch one addiction for another. It's time to think of you! Check out counseling, don't even ask him. He's a selfish, self absorbed man (no this is not bitterness, this is been-there-done that) You need to get out of the house and realize what a fantastic person you are! Do not let him define you, GO FOR IT!!! yeah
Dx'D in 1990. Remission 1991 - 1/2005
Fish Oil, Probiotics, Lialda a nightmare for me, Caprylic acid
watch my sugar and carb intake
Both flares were in extremely stressful times in my life
Colonoscopy 10/2005 80% of Colon diseased, or as I like to say "Intestinely challenged"


Harpo
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 262
   Posted 10/2/2007 10:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Wooo Wee.. Sounds like a particular bad situation.
Male 36yrs old. Indeterminate Colitis 6 yrs.


Lialda 2 a day

Protonix
multi vitamin


redplum
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 49
   Posted 10/2/2007 10:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Susiebuddy,

I am sorry to here that you are in such a bad situation. Don't let a man ruin your life--he's not worth it. I know it is much easier said than done. But, he definitely needs help for his addictions. You should think about yourself and make yourself a number one priority--along from any children you may have of course. The idea of taking a vacation and seeing a counselor to sort out your own issues sound good. I understand the feeling of being strangers with your husband and having no intimacy for a long time quite well. It feels so lousy and depressing. It makes you wonder what is this marriage even about. I am sending you many hugs. I hope that you feel a little more supported. Feel free to complain anytime.

dakotagirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 3402
   Posted 10/2/2007 11:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Susie! What a bummer of a situation! You definitely deserve better! I agree with Mitz - maybe check in with your doc about upping your Effexor. Your life right now just might need it.

I don't know that I can offer much advise, but I can tell you that we're hear for you! So are your horses and your dog!

Consider yourself hugged! (((susie)))
Pan-colitis and GERD diagnosed May 2003
 
Asacol 12 per day,  Azathioprine 75mg, Rowasa and Canasa as needed
Aciphex, Effexor XR, BCP, Rhinocort nasal spray
Culturelle, Biotin, Folic Acid, Forvia, Calcium, and B12
 
Osteopenia (hip and spine) from prednisone use.  Started Azathioprine because I was steroid dependent.
 
Co-Mod for the UC forum
Keep HealingWell running smoothly:  www.healingwell.com/donate


quincy
Elite Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 29856
   Posted 10/2/2007 9:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh Wilma...that's definitely tough to hear. Our perspectives are always changing, and you're seeing things as they've progressed/regressed. It's never an easy or comfortable place to be.

I would skip the joint/marriage counselling and go on your own. If you went to Al-anon, it would be a place where you'll be heard and counselled to match your situation.

Find out your options, and realise your husband needs to seek help for himself...

Addicts won't change if their environment (others) enables them.

Make your decisons for yourself/for your future. You can always ask your husband to come down the new path toward change..but if he won't, make sure you're ready to leave him behind and continue on your own.

Realise and know what you want....make the goals....gather your options...set it in motion.

I wonder what Wilma would do???

I agree with the others to up the Effexor to at least 75mg to start.
You don't have to go it totaly alone, remember. It's still good to vent.

Good thoughts your way...
quincy xx
*Heather*Status:mini flare June 23* 6asacol daily+ Salofalk (tapered every 3rd night)
~diagnosed January 1989 UC (proctosigmoiditis)
~5ASA: Asacol + Salofalk enemas (increase for flares tapered to maintenance)
~Bentylol (dicyclomine) 20mg as needed
~vitamins/minerals 
~Probiotic 2 (Natural Factors Protec) + 1 (Primadophilus Reuteri) at bedtime
~Natural Factors Multi Digestive Enzymes with supper
~Ranitidine,Pariet (reflux) Effexor XR 75mg;  Pulmicort/Airomir (asthma)
~URSO for PSC (or PBC) 500mg X 2 daily (LFTs back to NORMAL!!)
My doc's logic.. "TREAT (FROM)BOTH ENDS"  worth it !!!


Susiebuddy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 1373
   Posted 10/2/2007 10:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh my gosh everyone, thanks so much for sharing all your thoughts and helpful bits of information. Today is my 8th wedding anniversary and he totally forgot it, I didn't get a card or anything. I reminded him this morning what day it was, and still, nothing. I have been wishing I could go someplace and bring at least one of my horses and my dog. I could go to my house in Montana, I have 5 acres there, but I don't have a corral set up there to keep a horse in. The riding up there would be so beneficial to my mind and well being. I'll think of something... I do have a 60 foot diamater round pen that I could maybe diss-assemble, take it to Montana and keep my horses in that. I'm not sure right now, but my mind is working. I appreciate every one of you responding to my post... your thoughts and kind remarks have been a comfort to me.

I'll keep you all posted on things, and I'll think about upping my effexor a bit.... Blessings to you all for being here for me :)
SusieBuddy  
Diagnosed with U/C January 31st, 2004, IBS on July 21st, 2006, Dr says possible Crohn's...We'll see..
 
Meds: Rowasa enema's - OK, finally got brave enough to start every other night.
         Canasa 1000mg. AM Only, - Bentyl 10mg. As needed, - Culturelle 1x a day 
         Nexium - 40mg, 1x per day, - Xanax .5mg as needed which is haldly ever, 
         Effexor 37.5mg. 
 
         www.myspace.com/77016897         


dakotagirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 3402
   Posted 10/3/2007 11:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh, a vacation in Montana sounds WONDERFUL! I love the fall up north. Sigh... I have a fond spot in my heart for MT - I'd love to retire there! My hounds are also from a kennel outside of Glendive - she raises dogs, he raises horses.

Where about in Montana is your place? Is there anyone you know out there that has a corral you could use until you get something set up?
Pan-colitis and GERD diagnosed May 2003
 
Asacol 12 per day,  Azathioprine 75mg, Rowasa and Canasa as needed
Aciphex, Effexor XR, BCP, Rhinocort nasal spray
Culturelle, Biotin, Folic Acid, Forvia, Calcium, and B12
 
Osteopenia (hip and spine) from prednisone use.  Started Azathioprine because I was steroid dependent.
 
Co-Mod for the UC forum
Keep HealingWell running smoothly:  www.healingwell.com/donate

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