Post BiVad, Non-transplant........me. Am I coping? (long, graphic)

I was having breathing problems prior to my hospital stay. I'm 47, male, was a moderate smoker and sometimes drinker. Mid June I checked into the hospital for tests, my heart failed a few days later. I was told later the only treatment, aside from death, was surgical implantation of a bivad. I was in the local hosp for 11 days and remember next to nothing of the surgery or hosp. stay. I was flown to Phila. w/vads, for further evaluation in their transplant program.

I had the most realistic saga of dreams and false memories.

I wasn't eligible for a transplant. When I became aware, I had four garden hoses going in to my abdomen, connected first to a washing machine and later to a portable unit. I hurt like I never had in my life and was horrified with what they did to me. There were clear glass valves on the hoses and you could see my blood pumping. The whole time, loud sounds and my stomach jumping like I was going to give birth to an alien. I was attached to the vad for a month. The doctors didn't know what my outcome would be....and still don't.

The vads were removed on July 9. I stayed in Phila. for another 3 weeks. With a lot of medicine, prayer and a super nursing staff, I recovered to around 30%.

I have been home for close to 6 weeks. The physical pain is almost tolerable, but there is a lot of emotional stuff I don't handle well. I am permitted to drive but cannot work. I am home alone most of the time. I sometimes think that I should have died back in june. I have been following up with a heart specialist and have an appointment with a psyciatrist soon. Some days are good and others are not at all.

I didn't know where to go with this. I am here.

Hi there,

I'm so sorry you're having these problems. When I read your post it reminded me of a radio pragramme I listened to recently about post-traumatic shock caused by being in intensive care units. People have such horrifying things done to them - necessarily and with the best motives, of course - when they're partially sedated and in pain, unable to understand what's going on and with no grasp of time. I'm not surprised you're having problems with all this! Six weeks is not long to begin to adjust to the shock of it all. It's good to hear that you're seeing a psychiatrist soon and will be getting some support. Being on your own all day long is hard. Life is strange...there you are minding your own business and the next thing you know you're knocked for six...I know that's trite but it often occurs to me and I only have a problem with tachycardia.

I'm afraid there are parts of your post that I couldn't follow. What are bivads and vads? Excuse my ignorance. Is there any more treatment you could have in future?

Anyway, let us know how you are getting on, we are a pretty friendly lot on here.

Best wishes, Juliette

Post Edited (Juliette1) : 10/5/2006 9:07:51 AM (GMT-6)

 Sorry to hear about your suffering, frankly it sounds tremendously scary. but i have nothing in the line of info to help you. it took me a year to find peace and that was due to relaxation therapy and meds. do not be afraid to get on some meds at the psych office. it will help alot for theranxiety. please keep us informed, we are glad you found our forum