I'm glad to hear that you're getting support and encouragement for filing for disability. You've struggled long enough with your Lupus, and it wasn't easy for you to cope with going to work every day. With disability you can still look for things to do that fulfill you, but can do them at your own pace.
Because you're not going to be in the classroom doesn't mean you won't be able to find teaching outlets if you want them. Don't be too quick to sell your teaching supplies. You may want them later. Tutoring is a great way to get your teaching juices flowing without the all-out physical and emotional demands of a classroom full of busy, needy students.
The trick is finding your first tutoring student. Once you've got one, you can get others through referral and recommendation. I had one student for 2 years, and at this point I have three students--all through connections with the first student.
You may not want even that much responsibility, but keep it in the back of your mind. You also have the option of volunteering in a classroom (certainly not at your old school if that triggers bad feelings), but somewhere else. There's also Literacy Volunteers where you work with adults who want to learn to read.
You may not be ready to even think about these options. Still, if it helps at all, and you think that someday you might find pleasure in some form of teaching, just keep the idea in your back pocket. This doesn't have to be the end of your enjoyment and contact with children in the role of a teacher. There is a world of possibilities out there.
When people ask me if I miss teaching (I loved teaching and retired at a time when I was still enthusiastically involved in my profession) I can say honestly, "no". That's because I have lots of outlets for my passion for teaching. I don't miss the responsibilities of being in charge of a classroom. Still, I am involved with the creative process of creating teaching materials for my tutoring students, and it fulfills me.
It's just a thought. I'm glad you're going on Paxil. It can really help you get through this transition.
Thinking of you, and sending my best wishes!
Words of wisdom by Eckhart Tolle:
"Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.”
“Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose”
“Accept - then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.”