Posted 4/17/2009 11:43 PM (GMT -7)
i don't even know, how to feel and what to say first to you... but...YOU ARE NOT CRAZY and YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Reading your posting is like reading my own story and first thing to say is, that i want to let you know, how incredibly happy it makes me right now, to know, that there is somebody else, who is suffering, not by any means, because i like it, but because i felt so isolated and lonely, that i would just shut up about it or cry by myself. now i am crying, because i found you. i only accidently ended up on this portal, since i wanted to do some research again to get a better idea for myself...i am desperate and at the end of my strength.
i have to tell ya...i only feel like this for now 2 years and it is quiet frightening to hear you've been suffering for so long already.
However...i wasn't able to get any diagnosis for myself... it was called many different things or often although nothing, but most of the times... they called it classic anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses.
That certainly was nothing i was prepared for to hear and it still sounds crazy to me.
BUT: i have seen so many, many docs, specialists...i had various cat-scans, barium-swallow test, x-rays, lung-function-tests, blood tests and an endoscopy, 2 sonographies...it all came back without any pathological findings. I even returned to my home country, Germany, checked myself into the clinic i was born in and did everything over again. I also saw internists, neurologists and other providers, only to hear the same thing over, nothing was there to be found..! i started doing intensive Psychotherapy 3 times a week, got put on anti-depressants, started yoga, read the Dalai Lama's book, changed diets, supplemented my body with the real good stuff, including massages and a deeper search for a fulfilling love life with my hub. i even changed careers, just to make a good positive change, lift my spirits... but, every morning, every day , every night, hour, minute i am the same physical wreck that i became 2 years ago. I have always been a no-nonsense person, was engaged in life, had high goals and reached them. i have traveled the world, lived incredible moments, although i have seen hell a few times i got back up again, but... you know, i have not in any way ever been anxious or depressed...i mean...i was a fighter, nothing could bring me down. In May 2007, i woke up one sunny morning and i just could not swallow right anymore... and from that day on... it's pretty much just an endless story of confused symptoms, that vary at times, but are always present. i have every single symptom you described...in your ears, throat, the breathing...the trying to get stuff out, the sensitivity issues with the ears... the slightest elevation change increases the pressure... my ears feel puffy, watery, runny, cold/hot sensations( even if i drink a glass of water)i have so much pressure at days, that it hurts to chew my food. I also experience a feeling of sensationally painful burning or itching. My neck feels tight as hell, thats why i described it would feel like a lump,that there is pressure specifically around my lower throat(thyroid)into my chin, that would itch sometimes too or swell at parts, like my lymph nodes. Further, i have pain behind my ears when i laugh and that is just unbearable(i can't even laugh pain-free ... how absurd) . i had been clearing my throat every other second at first and had definitely too much mucus overall, so i would spit stuff out all the time, but it got to a stage, where there would be very little to nothing left. Now, i just do it without any mucus present, but still the feeling of having it there. the breathing-thing would change by situation, but it generally feels as if it would be hard to breath or as if i would be getting out of breath. When I then concentrate on my breathing it only gets harder. Doing exercise would more or less not influence my breathing behavior... but that would just make me feel like my neck/throat is too tight, like it might pop When I concentrate on deep breathing, my pulse feels like its racing. i have stinging pains on my upper back and at times in my chest. As a secondary response to the tightness in my throat, I cough randomly or have a gagging sensation in my throat. I got one diagnosis in Germany , the doctor said it was called Globus Sensation due to depression anxiety in patients... often linked to ocd... obsessive-compulsive disorder... and that definitely seemed to make some sense to me at the time, but somehow... after all therapy and drugs, nothing changed and i am loosing my belief, that this could be causing me my symptoms...i simply have no beliefs or trust left, mainly due to the fact, that this is how i feel, regardless of what i do, take or change or believe or think or dream or do or not do, it just sucks, if you could excuse me and i can't handle it. Now i am certainly depressed and would go as far as to claim, it changed my whole world and changed me into this person, i do not want to be at all. i have one big, deep wish left for myself... to wake up, as if from a nightmare and just be my good old self...i've wanted to end this ever since it started! Lately i recognize that these various symptoms are also in my nasal area...i haven't seen a doctor for more then 6 months until last week, when i started seeing a new doctor, yet another attempt at homeopathy. I also scheduled an appointment with the same 5 star doctor i started out with 2 years ago for next week. I can't imagine... what to say again or how to react to the situation, since it has been a horrible experience throughout this ongoing ordeal. people can be cruel, if it comes down to something that is not easily explained... they just call you crazy... and that of course changes nothing for you, but it hurts your feelings.
Kat, i hope you read this and forgive my excessive writing, but i wanted to share all the info and my emotions with you, because your posting helped me! feel free to write back or not. hope the best for you.