My dads no caregiver

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 12/29/2007 5:51 PM (GMT -6)   
I am sure lots of people can identify with what I am going thru...I just need to hear from anyone before I explode and say something horrible to my dad, who is my mother's caregiver.
My mother is in early stages of alzheimers.  My dad is the most negative man I have ever met.  My brother and I live 3000 miles away and my sister lives near my mom and dad.  My dad is the most negative man I have ever met...oh yeah, I will probably be saying that alot!!!!!
I was just visiting them for Xmas and before I left we all met with the doctor and nurse at this big Alzheimer's Center.  The nurse and the doctor told my dad that he needs to join a support group.  He needs help.  He is making my mother worse.  He nodded and agreed that some changes have to be made.  Unfortunately, he isn't in that place to make those changes.  Doesn't like to, won't listen to anyone, never answers your questions with a straight answer...all he does is vent, complain, *****, moan and says, "you don't know what its like, you're not living with her".  He won't change, adapt or accept.
When we agree and try to encourage him to get help, join a support group and just make a list for himself of things to do and then prioritize them, so he is not so overwhelmed...he just ignores our suggestions and goes on *****ing and moaning.  I just had a conversation with him.  It was horrible.
I am angry with his lack of dealing with what is going on with my mother.
HOW DARE HE!!!???...but then again, he has always been this way.
I try not to react emotionally.  I know its going to just get me into trouble.  I just don't want to resent him and be so angry with him that I can't talk to him.  Oye Vey....

Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/30/2007 5:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi there and Welcome to HW

I can understand your being so upset and angry at your father right now believe me .....Yet I wonder is this BECAUSE he does not want to ACCEPT the fact that your Mom has this DD??
I ask this as I was the same in some ways with Mom who is now gone and dad always just said it was nothing but now he KNOWS as my step dad ( same man) has Alzheimers as well and he is going thru Hades........I was the caregiver fully for Mom til she passed and am looking after Dad............

All you can do IMHO is be there for MOM and him to a degree .........take into consideration that he wants or is in total denial .........just for a second ...I am not saying this is what it is .....I AM asking IF this could be what it is?

Keep making those lists That is a great thing to do and place them where he will see them daily..........many times daily ...put pamphlets all around the house or at least a couple ............there is a book called " The 36 Hour Day" I would really suggesst you go to libray or buy it if not have already ..........

The resources in yellow at the side may have some info as well to help you out with this

YOUR dad has to no matter what come to the realization sooner ( ihope for this) than later she has this DD and will need him more and more

You can also have checks done on Caregiver's that can come in for a couple hrs a day ...thru doc and insurance to help out .......

Read thru some of the old threads ...I will bring some up for you that might help

I AM glad you posted you needed to get this off your chest ....AD takes so much from us and our loved ones ........

Please stay with us and know you are not ever alone..........My email addy is at the side if you need to email me I am fine with that ..........

Gentle Huggs

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/6/2008 2:13 PM (GMT -6)   
thank you so much for replying.  Of course he is in denial.  But he is also a man who hates change of any kind.  Good or bad.  He is also a very negative man.  Especially with his family.  And now this has been dumped onto him....well, it just brings out the very worst in him.
My sister calls me constantly telling me what happened when she was out to dinner with him and my mom...and how nasty he was with my mom.  And when she says something my dad just barks, "Well you don't live with it!".  But he continues not to get help or look into a support group.  I told my sister that she has to do it for herself and get her butt in there and get the tools and share the stores that will benefit how she deals with him and my mom.
Oye....this is gonna be a long horrible ride, isn't it?  I wish I could be there for my mom (geographically) more.  Just to share the good offer whatever I can. 
I am going to a support group on tuesday out here....I just want to get some tools to deal with the dynamic of my dad and sister and mom and the whole poopy thing that AD is giving us.

Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/6/2008 6:19 PM (GMT -6)   
There are plenty of tools out there
Read some of the posts /threads as well from others here
YES it is a bumpy ride ( putting it nicely) BUT you need to focus on your memeories and good times with Mom not what Hades is to come my friend
SHE is in there..somewhere believe me ......

I am really and truly sorry that your dad is like this ...he is definitely in denial and Angry ( in Emotions Caregivers and Loved ones go thru thread) ........
Your sis is closer to them she can get ahold of the Local chapter of Alzheimers Society and get plenty of input and resources from there as well ....
I will be here for you to support you any time so please feel free to pop in and let me know how things are going okay
Gentle huggs
and I am so sorry that your sweet Mom has this DD


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