Posted 1/18/2008 5:54 PM (GMT -7)
i just wanted to say thankyou for all your kind words and support.
I went to see my mother again, and my gran was there, she wasn't impressed seeing me. I feel really uncomfortable when she is there, as i am unable to talk to my mother freely, but i showed my mother pictures, of my little family, shes a grandma, to a little devil she will be turning 2, and my little girl who is 5 weeks old. She started laughing when looking at the pictures.
My gran just ignored me, which didn't really bother me, as i was there just to see my mother.
I am going to speak to the doctor about my mother conditions, as i feel i have a right to know, i don't feel comfortable asking my gran.
I went again in the evening, and it was just me and my mother, i was talking about random things, and she laughed. My mother only has two reactions, to what i have seen, she either laughs, or crys (sounds like a whale , only way to explain it).
But when she did cry, i would tell her to stop, and said "you can't be angry at me", and she started to laugh.
I feel that she was trying to talk to me, but got really frustrated, or she wanted to smack me around my face, and say "why did you leave".
Her eyes, were crying, but there were no tears, i want to cry but for some reason i am not.
Its horrible to know that when i left in 2005, i could to speak to my mum, even thou she was forgetful, and got frustrated when she couldn't get her point across, but we could communicate. I never thought, that she would lose her speech, the thing that would go through my mind, is my mother would not remember me.
Its hard to see her, she is bed bound, and has a food drip, and hardly any movement, due to a stoke, but today she squeezed my hand.
I have no idea, how long my mother will be in this world, to be honest i really do not know much at all.
I feel that my family are not thinking of my mother, as a mother myself, i would always want my children to be there, even if they did do something wrong and if i didn't agree.At the end of the day they are still my children.
I am so upset, and feel lonely, i still love my sister, but have gone to hate her, i feel my mother is slowly slipping away, and my sister can not put our differences aside for the stake of our mother.
Lately my worse fears are if i get the same, i couldn't put my family through the same pain, my mother is only 46, what life has she had.
So sorry, getting upset, but still no tears, its nice writing down my feelings, i don't really talk about my mother, not alot my friends or husband family know about my mother as i am a very private person.
But it feels good, telling someone straight, about my pain and worries.
Will keep you posted.
Ps Spoke to someone, in regards to a legal order, and i will be receiving a form, i thinks it is the power of protection, or court of protection, so once i get that will fill it in and post it asap.