No Happy Endings

This is not a fairy tale. Two years ago exactly, I was contacted by my Dad, requesting help. I dropped my job, left apartment and came to the rescue. Problem was, stepmother who had been covering for Dad's memory problems, for 15 years or so, developed kidney disease. He called me to help her, they both needed help. He was in total denial about his alzheimers. A couple of months in hades, trying to care for both of them in a leaky, wet, cold, falling down house, I called myself stepinfetchit, as my stepmother would bark orders from her bed, do this, make this, pass me this, get me untangled, etc. In May she was hospitalized, told she would not be going back to leaky, mould infested falling down house, and the doctor asked me if I wanted him to call Adult Protection, for my father. Not having any i'dea what was about to transpire, I said, leave it with me, Doctor. So they did. I embarked on one of the most difficult, frustrating, emotionally laden journeys of my life. For 18 months I endured my fathers thrice weekly, out of control violent rages. Then he began wandering in the night. Then he wandered into my bedroom w/o knocking. My Bull Mastiff pointed him in another direction. Then it got so I was spending hours standing out on the front stoop while he yelled and cursed inside the house. Then he broke down my bedroom door, pushing me back. Police came. He was told, "never step foot in daughter's bedroom, ever. Cunning fox he was he tried the "well what if there was a fire?"Mountie said, call 911. I got us moved into a beautiful, clean dry, house, right on the water and tried all kinds of activities with him, building birdhouses out of popsickle sticks, crosswords, nothing workI called my son to come up on Dec. 22, spend Christmas. We got through Christmas ok, but shortly, thereafter, Alzheimers victim assaulted my son. That was it. Mounties came with two ambulances and took him for psyche evaluation. He failed. deemed a danger to self and others. Now he sits in hospital, on side of bed, wondering what the heck went wrong, and awaiting placement. Right now, I am frustrated, burned out and angry. It Hurts. It feels like failure. Not a happy ending. Sibs poised like vultures, hundreds of miles away, awaiting opportunity to collect on the estate.   Sound familiar, anyone?

Oh honey, never feel like you've failed! You've had to endure more then any human can imagine! You have to know you did your best under the circumstances. Never ever blame yourself, nor your father......it is the disease that did this to him.

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i am so so sorry that this vicious, malicious disease has done this to you and your family....my thoughts and prayers are with you, and as red_34 said it is noone's fault it is this devil disease......

Hello: I just had a bit of furthur detail, an up to dater, so to say. My Father is relatively content, in a Non-lockdown Seniors residence, just about twenty minutes from here. He is still wait-listed for a bed in the Nursing Home, that his wife is currently housed in. Generally, the Provincial Health Authority tries to place spouses in the same nursing home. My stepmother seems to enjoy most of her days where she is at. However, were my Dad to go to that particular home, he could probably be allowed to leave the locked unit, and visit with her twice a day. The staff on my stepmother's unit, know my Dad and like him, he can be funny and endearing, at the same time, when something isn't bothering him. Primarily, though, what I'm struggling with is, if he were to be moved to stepmom's facility, he would be on a "lock-down unit," only allowed out when accompanied by staff, or family (I guess).

My Steomom is relatively fragile (Four serious health problems, Stroke(s), Diabetes, recent hip replacement, and kidney Disease) She has to be hooked up to a dialysis machine (peritoneal dialysis) every four to six hours, and my understanding is that the process only clears out 20% or so, of toxins. She is not a candidate for a kidney implant due to her fragile condition due to the other factors, plus her age, plus she won't quit smoking. Then if she were to pass, and my Father was there b/c she is there, he would be in a locked facility, not the free to roam facility he now enjoys, (I guess). I'm not sure that if I were to move closer to the city, and he'd allready had a move from where he is to where she is, and she passes, since there is such a long wait list, they wouldn't be keen to move him a third time (nor would it be good for him as the disorientation is a biggy). 

I feel really isolated in all this decision making. All my sibs want to talk about is money. I was good enough to care for Dad 24/7/360, for two years and two months, but they consider me not responsible to handle the business (financial) aspect. However, since I am POA for both parents, and my Dad stipulated me while he was still mentally competent (Doctor's assessment, in writing) at the time he appointed me, as was she, they (my absentee sibs) have little power to influence the outcome(s)

I know they are angry about all this, and I'm sorry for that but it is what it is. The farm will be sold this month to go towards settling the debt with the bank, and hopefully a few other outstanding bills but the house is about to be condemmed and burnt (by fire marshall b/c it's in terrible condition) For about five or more years they had leaks all over, the roof is caving, and were someone to clrawl in and  have a roof fall on them, or the towering crumbling chimney, who would be blamed? Any thoughts?

I can't offer anything but continued prayers for your mental strength and health. Your sibs are worried about THINGS, none of which they can take with them when they leave this earth. You have already taken the better portion, spending time with your dad and stepmom while they were mostly lucid. Use whatever you need from their possessions to support them, pay bills and keep them in nursing home, etc. and ignore sibs. Their outlook, from the material standpoint, will always find fault with you, always be selfish, never forgive, never love... You are doing what you believe to be right. They can all go stew in their own juices! THINGS don't matter. PEOPLE do.

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~ Jeannie, Forum Moderator/Diabetes & Fibromyalgia
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

"People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within."- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Dear Jeanie143, and everyone: I have to say, this forum is what gives me the strength needed to keep going. My family doesn't behave like a family, more like Stock Brokers whom we all know about as being self obsessed, money oriented, and not humanistic at all. Unfortunately, they come by it honestly. My bio Mom was and is exactly like that, God Bless Her. We don't speak, often. I feel really bad about that but there isn't anything I can do. I have tried emailing her, but emails come back, she probably has me black listed on her website. Today is my birthday. I had three emails from Healing Well, three from the Astro center, absolutely nothing from anyone else. My youngest son is here God Bless Him, getting me through February. This is the absolute worst month for me. It's not the age thing so much, or the weather, it just seems so barren and difficult. It makes me feel like getting a little camper truck, loading up the dogs, and heading out for Arizona. That would be what the other's are doing though, isn't it. Running. Thank-you all so very much.

Happy birthday Tyno! :) I know it's a bit bittersweet right now but remember that today is special because you were born on it.

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Thank-you all, ya'll brought tears to my eyes. Good tears.  Cleansing tears. It's like a blessing when we actually forget about everything pressing down on us, and just cry. It releases some feel good chemicals in the brain. Thank-you. I had a hard, hard day yesterday. I guess I should try to focus on the good things, like having a son to help and sometimes carry me when I'm too weak to do anything. When I am living in a beautiful house right on the water, when I have three solid white cats (supposed to bring good luck), and two dogs with their completely opposite cute little ways who love you, despite whatever you have said or done to offend is forgotten in an instance. When despite the bats and rafters and spiderwebs gathering all around, and skeletons tumbling out of the closet, there is this ever so faint gleam of hope on the horizon, which may actually account for why all this has to happen, all at once. When others mistake our kindness for stupidity. When what you had taken for family turn out to be "imposters" and what you thought of as "the guy next door", turns out to be your best friend and solace, helping in whatever little ways he or she can despite the avalanche falling all around. When you are so sore and feel like someone used you as a "Heavy bag" and beat the daylights out of you, the night before. When coincidentally, an appointment with a neurologist for your aging Dad, turns out to have bad news. Apparently, my Dad has been walking around with a golf ball sized tumour in his head, which may account for some of the sudden changes in behavior and demeanor. The tumour is not cancer, but it is large and pressing on areas of his brain, and potentially causing swelling that could be fatal. So, we have to have a MMRI, coming up. Sixty-five miles over hill and dale in falling apart car, which has all kinds of problems as a result of crashing into a ditch on a back road, because you're trying to do too much, trying to get it all done, all loose ends tied up before whatever lies ahead gets the jump on you. What I got from my brother when we delivered the news was a Christmas list of things he wants "preserved for him", sentimental value and all. Well, I told him Dad and spending time with Dad while he still is lucid enough to recognise his children, should be sentimental enough, for him. God Bless. ps. I would love to go out and get rip roaring drunk but I know I'll only feel way worse tomorrow.

Hi, all: I took my Dad from his Nursing home to his wife's nursing home, yesterday, to update her about tumour. I gave her nurses a "heads up" and they had her sedated while we explained what it's all about. She seems to be losing ground also. She had a hip replacement, in January and she refuses to do the exercises the nurses are trying to get her moving. I sense it's a battleground, one I'll be staying out of. Explained and got agreement about selling the house. Brother says he's coming March 8th, Spring Break at University where he teaches. He said "Ï could come sooner but I got the impression you (me) didn't want him to come sooner as  you (I) sell the farm." What BS. He can't come until spring break. I love how they twist things to make me look like the "bad guy".

Anywho, Dad seems a lot happier. I guess being in a place with lots of people retired like him, him lets him forget all the things around the farm he used to try to keep up with but could not. Thank-you

Update: Brother called while I was visiting Dad at the Home where I await further instructions re. his brain tumour. I think we may have a breakthrough. I took the phone and calmly explained my $749.00 a month pension does not allow me to run electricity on two houses much less pay rent on the one that's livable,and the mortgage on the falling down house. It sounded like he got it (maybe). He said he did. On the other hand I rec'd a lovely email from baby sis who used more four letter words than you can find in the dictionary. I guess she isn't coming to visit before Dad loses every wit he ever had. She can only visit him in Nursing home b/c last time she took him joyriding w/o clearance, they got stuck, he had to push them out of the mudhole, and they were drinking. Dad seems quite happy where he is. He is free to roam, inside the facility and I try to get him out 1-2 times a week. Thank-you