My Father Has Alzheimers But My Siblings Are Nuts

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Ardose
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/17/2011 1:45 PM (GMT -6)   
My Father is ninety-three and has advanced Alzheimer's disease. He is completely dependent on being fed, diapered, dressed, bathed and so on. My brother and sister and I have cared for him at home as his diseased has progressed. We also cared for my Mother who passed away a few years ago. We have been doing this for over ten years now and, even with some help, it has taken a major toll on us.

I have been disabled from before my parents started needing all of this care. My siblings decided that my parents must live at home until they die no matter what. I told them a long time ago that my problem was progressive and I could only do this for so long. But, they live in this constant state of denial.

My Father really should be handled by two people which can't always be done at home. He also yells a lot which is becoming extremely stressful and he chokes because he no longer spits out anything, but I have no way to aspirate him. He doesn't recognize us and doesn't speak with us.

I keep telling my siblings that he should be in an advanced care facility. My sister goes into these fits and yells and tells me I don't love my father and, if she doesn't get what she wants. Then she starts bawling until she makes it impossible to have a rational conversation. This problem is getting worse and she has become a terrible bully. She thinks I should be a martyr just like her and stick it out to the end. (My sister is fifty-eight years old) My brother just does what whatever my sister wants because he still lives at home and she babies him. While father is there, he has someone to do his cooking cleaning and shopping. So he can have a job and farm and come home to a hot meal on the table.

After the last time my sister went off on me, accusing me of drugging father which was completely without merit, I told the both of them in writing that I have had as much as I can take and on Dec 9, when I turn fifty, I no longer will care for father at his home. I have had to make tremendous sacrifices for so many years and I just can't do it any more.

My sister says that she'll just take care of him herself (even though she has two knee replacements and she is trashing them by lifting too much weight). My brother won't grow a spine and confront my sister about her growing mental and physical issues. I believe that we are simply not fit to care for father at home and he needs to be in an advanced care facility. I think my sister has an unhealthy distrust of medical professionals that could end up harming father. My sister insists she knows everything and the medical professionals and I and anyone else who disagrees with her are wrong.

I feel I am giving my siblings plenty of time to make other arrangements. But I fear that my sister isn't going to exit her fantasy world where she is the princess and everything happens as she says. I believe that my sister and brother will do absolutely nothing to get ready and end up causing a huge mess which they will try to blame on me. (She probably thinks she can pressure me into staying.)

Should I be able to tell my siblings that I quit and how do I protect my father from their shortsightedness?

stkitt
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/19/2011 5:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello and I am sorry to read of your problems.  Does your Father have a social worker assigned to his case ?  He would benefit and so would you from a social worker to advocate just for your Dad.
 
Alzheimer's Association 24-hour Hotline telephone number, 1-800-272-3900. Also I would talk with your Dad's Dr.  You must put your own health first and in this case the social worker would be able to share all the options and services provided for you Dad.
 
Be Well,
 
Kitt


~~Kitt~~
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be"

Ardose
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/19/2011 5:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your reply. I am not clear about what kind of social worker to contact. Under what title would they be found?

Lanie G
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 6262
   Posted 10/19/2011 7:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Ardose, there are different kinds of social workers.  I think Kitt was referring to the social workers that work for hospitals.  They help patients coordinate medical care after they are discharged from the hospital.  They help the patients and their families contact different services available in the city to patients.  It's hard for a person to know what's available, so the social worker is very informative.  Also, for senior citizens, there are many services in a city that can help.  Your dad may qualify for different forms of help because of his age and medical condition.  Have you spoken with Medicare or Medicaid or any insurance that he may have?  His doctor is also a place to get information for care for your father.  He needs more professional help than what he is getting, in my opinion, from what you've written.
Lanie

diabetes moderator
diabetes type 2 controlled so far by diet and exercise
very low carb way of eating

SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 10/20/2011 1:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,

Lanie, don't mind this, its a combination of my medical training and personal experience.


Ok, here's a few ideas. I actually found this site very tremedous help when I was caring for gma.

First, don't quit. Stand back and let your sister try. When she fails, simply say "are you sure you don't need any help?"

Second, call Adult and Family Services and ask to speak with the social worker in charge of elderly. Nothing is wrong, but you as an in home caregiver are granted services. Services of many needs such as: a break to do things you want whilst others care for him in his home, food services, cleaning services, respite care, support groups, so on.

Third, I am not sure if this applies, but ask the doctor if a med adjustment is in order. The only reason why I bring this up is because Gma has vascular dementia and I was telling Lanie all the things and everyone else that was happening here, and it was suggested that Gma may need a med adjustment. A few weeks later, it got to the point where I was actually being strangled, beat up, punched, and more. After 20 minutes (when the doctor said only allow 10 before calling 911) I gave in and called 911 on my cell. I stuck the phone back in my pocket and hoped the dispatch heard me. Thankfully they heard me saying things like "grandma please stop hitting me", I just said it like that and whatever she was doing. I then said "grandma you live at ___". I did it that way because I heard if they are in an aggressive mood that it can provoke more behaviour. The police and paramedics came. They took her to the hospital where she attacked a nurse, actually physically threw the hospital bed matteress at a nurse, managed to escape the bed netting, and was put in restraints and admitted to the physc ward. It was then my mother, Gma's power of attorney, finally believed me that she needed a med ajdustment. This new medication is a godsend, I love it. Be thankful you have your sibblings to help, I was taking care of gma 24/7 and only got my mother to give me 3 hours off a week.
Also pray, if you do.
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

Inhimwelive
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 174
   Posted 11/18/2011 8:55 AM (GMT -6)   
I can see this from several sides.. My father died from Alzheimer's two years ago. He died shortly after being admitted to a nursing home. His health was fine when he was admitted, he was their because he had become abusive. My grandmother died from complications from poor care at a nursing home. My mother is now in assisted living, we wanted her to live with us but her mental health issues made that impossible. I guess you know your limitations so only you know what your capable of.
This is a very difficult disease and the family really needs to be in unity.
For me though I would try very hard to come up with a solution that doesn't involve placement.

Ardose
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/19/2011 7:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Well,....things have changed quite a bit. I told my family that I was quitting in December and they needed to make other arrangements. I was hoping that might persuade them to look into advanced care facilities. My, sister, not to be outdone, went and hired more help that we should have had a couple of years for father. Then, they booted me out, COMPLETELY! She and my bother went through the entire house and removed all traces of my ever being there. They got rid of the foods I used to cook with when I was caring for father, right done to a bottle of soy sauce. Any shoes, shirts, socks and such were boxed up and I was dismissed last week as though as was being removed from a job.

This behavior is typical of my sister's obsessive behavior. She made certain that I was dismissed like one of the help and on her schedule because she had to prove she was going to have the last say. I'm not not the least bit upset about leaving earlier than I expected. But, I am concerned about father getting what he needs. Neither my sister or brother will tell me what goes on in my absence.

SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 11/21/2011 9:29 AM (GMT -6)   
That is not good, I'd call your father's social worker and ask for well being checks. Legally you can even do that with the police as well. I've had the police do well being checks and found out the guy was dead. Kid you not, I called a Nursing Home, that he was in, and they had NO clue that he was dead because they let him "leave on his own accord." I notified the police to make sure they weren't yanking me, and left a voicemail on social services.. they came back to me and found out he was dead. There was a massive investagation, and the place was shut down on negeligence (sp). I do hope you can found out about your father
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

Betsey Ross
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 1056
   Posted 12/22/2011 5:26 PM (GMT -6)   
The Office of Aging is another place you can call and get a well being check for your Dad. That office really helped me when I was caring for parents.

Keep us posted on how things are going.

Soft Hugs
Betsey
crushed lower knee and vertical fx of tibia/external fixator placed/plates and screws and tried to place big pieces of cartiledge under knee cap/tremendous pain in affected leg continously without improving/allergic to metal in left leg/leg isnt straight/ metal removed in July//then total knee replacement/straighten out leg/more phsyxical therapy/take oxycontin,flexeril,cymbalta,vicadin for BT
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