Sounds selfish, but I want my life back

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Lonie
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Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6448
   Posted 1/16/2012 10:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Both my husband and I have parents that retired at 52. I lost my father in October at the age of 87, and my mother has dementia -- not fun. He's back in Philly right now because he almost lost his Mom, now he waits for the unknown, and his Dad wants him to stay longterm. I'm soooo tired. Our vacations have been to Philly to see his parents. My vacation was to take care of my ailing father and mother. I know it sounds terrible, but it's been years since I've had an actual time out. I worked, took care of them. Now I have my husband gone for weeks at a time. And he's unemployed; we need him to work!!! I'm not sure who is going to give first. We are just done. I thank them for raising us, but gawd, how long does this go on? I just want a normal life. We moved my mom to be closer to my sisters, and they can't believe how much work it is; and she is in a facility. I just don't want to put my kids through this. So depressed right now.

Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 1/17/2012 7:18 AM (GMT -6)   
I thought the same thing when my Gma lived with me Carol. I would feel guilty or selfish for wanting "me" time because I felt I had to be there for everyone but especially her. She wouldn't listen to anyone but me. Than I came to the realization that I was wearing myself down. What good was I if I fell apart??? I started delegating duties....my daughter was still too young but my son did an awesome job of keeping an eye on my Gma and I started using my brothers to help.

Does your hubby have anyone in Philly that can be his contact instead of going there all the time? Both of you can't keep going on like this, but I understand the sense of obligation you feel but at the same time wanting "me" time.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6448
   Posted 1/17/2012 9:21 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes, his brother in the only one back in Philly, so he really gets all the brunt of this and I know it's only fair that my husband is back there taking care of things and giving his brother a break. But at the same time, I'm just tired of having to do this. It's expensive, and we really can't afford it. I think I'm just belly-aching, but needed to vent a little. I would really love a blue ocean and white sand beach right now!!

Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 1/17/2012 9:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey, vent away! This is not easy I know :( Hang in there! (hugs!)
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

MT Lady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 969
   Posted 1/17/2012 11:07 PM (GMT -6)   
My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's over 8 years ago and shortly after diagnosis, she moved in with me and my husband for one year. During that time, I found myself thinking you spend half your life raising your kids and now the other half caring for parents...when is "me" time? And yes, I feel selfish saying that. It's not like I resented raising my children. I truly loved it. I guess I just wasn't ready to be doing this now. I was only able to care for mom in my home for one year, I became really sick from all the stress from the disease and how she was. She is in assisted living and yet it doesn't seem much easier now. I visit her at least 3x a week and talk to her by phone several times a day and when I'm not with her or talking to her, I am thnking about her, wondering when will I get that phone call telling me she can no longer be in assisted living? It's a lot of stress and a lot of worry. Mom turned 90 last week, bless her heart. I sometimes wonder if she will outlive me yeah
Miriam

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6448
   Posted 1/17/2012 11:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Sherry and MtLady. Even though my Mom is in a memory care facility, she still can't remember one second from the next, and she can call endlessly...even though now we are 3 hours apart. My siblings are doing double time just like I did to take care of her, and I know back in Philly my husband's brother and family is doing everything possible to make life liveable for his parents. I thought today that I have to remember how much life I've already been through; loss of husband's, living with a chronic illness, etc.; but really it's all a moment in time when you think about it. I know this too shall pass and I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and feeling my emotion. That's what I love about HW; the support is always here when you need it.
 
Carol

imagardener2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 5761
   Posted 1/18/2012 9:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Lonie

Your name caught my eye from seeing it in the UC forum and I wanted to pass along some info I heard last week at a woman's group I belong to. The speaker's topic was Alzheimers and other cognitive diseases. She gave a startling statistic--63% of caregivers will die before the Alzheimer's patient.

She also said that it takes 4 people to care for 1 person with AD. Her important message is that the family needs to take care of themselves first or they will not be able to care for their loved one.

I live in Florida in an area of older people and this is a fact of life for many here. I strongly suggest you and your husband get together with social services with other family members and map out a plan that will not drain your lives of health and money. Hard decisions have to be discussed and then acted on.

Alzheimers is in both my and my husbands family but we escaped being caregivers for parents because they died of other things before it became a problem. Live your life. At least you have other caring siblings, that itself is a blessing.

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6448
   Posted 1/18/2012 9:35 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Imagardener for your kind words. My husband told me last night that it's becoming a nightmare back there and him and his brother are trying to plan on how to take control of his parents bills. It was a struggle with my parents as well, but I finally told them that one day, there will be no heat, no lights, no tv -- if the bills weren't paid. I reminded my husband of that -- and to stand firm with his father. He said his Dad is as stubborn as my parents were; maybe even worse. I know it's all part of giving up the independence. He'll be home next week if his Mom continues to go on. Last night I realized it was about a year ago when things started really spiraling out of control with both sets of parents. We'll just have to hang tough and take time out. 

Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 1/18/2012 9:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Does his dad have AD or dementia?
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6448
   Posted 1/18/2012 9:56 AM (GMT -6)   
His Mom has last stage Alzheimers, but now that my husband has been with his Dad for a week, he's starting to believe that he may have dementia as well. They do have a full time caretaker, but she's from another country...and we aren't sure where she came from; such as is she legit? There are no cards, no phone numbers to any agency so we don't know where his father found her. The bills are a mess. So he'll at least have some time to think things through with his brother and figure out some alternatives for both of them. So crazy.

Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 1/18/2012 1:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Have you guys considered being a POA for his mother and/or father?
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6448
   Posted 1/18/2012 1:55 PM (GMT -6)   

Yes, we just talked about that on the phone because he is so worries about everything getting paid.

My sister and I have it arranged legally that we are in charge of all my Mom's accounts and have POA for everything legal; but my husband's Dad won't let them touch a thing. Not sure how that's going to work out, but my husband has seen first hand how it works -- everywhere you go -- even the cable company, wants the legal docs to show that you have the right to meddle in their accounts. When you show the paperwork it's like gold and the door is open. So, I'm not sure how they will deal with all of this, but at least on my end we are secure.


Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 1/18/2012 2:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, I know about that! I would rather have a root canal than what the companies put us thru to handle everyday affairs for our loved ones without that golden ticket (POA).

Your husband and his brother has to sit down and a real heart to heart with their dad. If they think he is incompetent to handle his financial affairs, it would be in his best interest (in the long run) to have his sons take over by them declaring mental instability. It's a harsh blow and should be used as a last resort but it's better than knowing that their father is going to be thrown out in the street for failure to pay his bills. I hope they can talk some sense into him. Btw, I have one of those stubborn fathers as well.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6448
   Posted 1/24/2012 4:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, my mother in law passed away today. So sad, but yet a sense of relief that she's no longer in any pain and free. My parent's and his parent's never got a chance to meet because of distance, so I told my husband that my Dad probably met his Mom at the door and welcomed her.

Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 1/24/2012 9:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Aww Carol, I'm so sorry to hear of your MIL's passing. :( My condolences to you and your husband.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6448
   Posted 1/26/2012 10:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Sherry; I'll be flying back to Philly next week. Also, I might be in Detroit in the June time frame for a Service Disabled Vet Conference. Can't say the time frame or exact location yet, but is that close to where you live?

Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 1/26/2012 11:00 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes, I'm around Detroit. Detroit is a large city with different borders to different towns. Let me know when you know the details. Maybe we can finally catch up with each other and meet for lunch.

Next week, is that when the service is being held?
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6448
   Posted 1/26/2012 11:05 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes, the service will be on Wednesday. I would love to meet up with you when I'm back in Detroit. I'll keep you posted on the details! :-)

Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 1/26/2012 11:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Okay, just shoot me an email as the time approaches. :)
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular
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