Hello Smurfy Shadow & Lonie
Lonie’s response is right on point, my sister and I have full time jobs, mother with health issues, mortgages, children, grand children, and pets to consider. Like Lonie, my sister and I have two aging parents. I already relocated closer to my mother, where I can also assist her as needed. Unfortunately for our parents, the lives of both my sister and I were established long before the deterioration of our parent’s health. Moving in with dad is not an option.
Dad lives in a one bedroom rental. He lives very modestly with very few possessions. He owns 2 pairs of jeans, less than 5 t-shirts, 6 pairs of socks, 1 skillet, and place setting for one. He doesn’t own a television, radio, or computer, and he re-reads the few books he has. He does have a cell phone with service that I provided him with; unfortunately he doesn’t remember how to use it.
My dad has a giving spirit and people take his kindness for weakness. He has a neighbor who stole checks from his home, forged his signature on 14 checks equating to $3000. This same neighbor did something similar to another local elderly residence. This neighbor was arrested, and charges were brought by the State. My dad was the key witness. The neighbor, his friend let him know that he would be arrested if he showed up in court.
Needless to say, dad refused to go to court. He said he showed them, he wasn’t going to allow them to arrest him; he just didn’t show up. Sadly enough, the charges against his accuser were dropped.
Fortunately for his accuser, dad’s memory doesn’t allow him to remember any of this; it only allows him to remember her as his friend.
Our dad only has two people in his town who have shown themselves as trust worthy; one being his landlord and the other being his social worker. Unfortunately my dad’s case is consuming his workers time and making it hard for her to provide services to other elderly residence who are also suffering abuse.
As for trust; dad doesn’t trust any females. His dementia says we are all controlling and trying to take his money. My sister and I haven’t accepted a penny of our dads money. Our visits are fully funded by us, this includes taking him grocery shopping and purchasing things we know he needs. Dad says the local street walker is like a daughter to him. Dementia has caused dad to forget that his daughters don’t accept his offers for money.
My sister and I have a DPOA. The social worker has informed us that we may have to have the policy force dad to leave with us. Like Smurfy Shadow, I am concerned about the lost trust from dads hallucinations, but I am more concerned about dads safety.
We received news that a complaint was filed by dad’s bank. Apparently a woman forced dad to withdraw $100 for her. Today my sister and I reviewed dad’s bank statement from last month and noticed that dad has withdrawn $1600 in cash, where his usual expenses are about $300. This finding has raised a red flag.
As for the VA, we are waiting for his DD form 214 to be sent. California requires residency before the elderly are eligible for services. We are considering the services of the VA when they become available.
As for medical, dad currently does not have medical insurance. Dad declined the Medicaid options. He didn’t expect to live this long. Up until 2009, dad had not seen a doctor. I can count on my two hands how many times he’s seen a doctor since then.
Lonie’s posting is right on the dot… It’s hard getting someone to do something that they don’t want to do. Dad feels the road is narrowing, he is caught between two wagons, and his life is coming to a full circle. Dad is smart and a real thinker. .. He has given his landlord 1 years of advanced rents because he knows his condition is making memory harder. He’s done the same with his utility companies. During my last visit I had the utility companies put a do not disconnect note on his account with contact info for payments.
Dad has been evaluated by a psychiatrist. He has determined that dad can continue to live on his own as long as he has someone to take care of his day to day responsibilities, et. Al. meals, laundry, finances, medical, cleaning…
My sister and I are heading out to see dad in a couple of weeks. Again, Lonie is correct, dad does trust his doctor. The doctor is going to let dad know he can maintain his independence by relocating to California or he can become a ward of the state. The doctor has also name me as dads “Payee”.
I am named on dad’s medical directive, durable power of attorney, and now his social security. The social worker currently takes and schedules all of dads appointments. I am thankful for her help! This has been really tough. It’s tougher when you have miles separating you and others taking advantage of him with his dementia causing him to be unaware.
Dad knows that my sister and I are coming in on March 16th. That afternoon he will find out that he will be going straight from the doctor’s office to the airport; heading to California.
Dementia is interesting… Dad told the doctor that his named daughter is a trickster. Fortunately dementia prevents dad from realizing that my name is the name of the one he calls a trickster.
What happens next? I have a room in my home where dad will be until we can either relocate him. The doctor says dad is still competent and can live independently with conditions being met.
I know I will need to install pull bars and skid protection in the tub. A friend suggested I lock up all of the sharp objects and cleaning supplies. Dads’ familiarity is with a stove and not a microwave. He has a sister and brother in-law with Cancer who lives 5 miles from me. His sister has agreed to stop in and bring him meals while I work. Unfortunately dementia has him believing he doesn’t trust his sister. I am not sure how that will turn out. Dementia also has him not wanting to see or hear from my mother. This means splitting my time between both parents. Since the passing of my step father, my mom spends all of the major holidays with my sister and me.
Thank you both for your input, it means a lot. This is all new to my sister and me. Dad will be living with me until we can find him suitable housing. The doctor suggests we find him a place where he can have his own room; he is not locked in; and he can maintain his independence. locations for memory residents are secured. The VA doesn’t offer single rooms and the private residences charge more for this type of request.