Feeling Lack of Support from friends of Mom with Alzheimers

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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 3/13/2012 1:11 PM (GMT -6)   
I just need a little venting about just one in the many factors that make caregiving so challenging, and that is the feeling that I am being judged by my Mom's friends about my family's difficult choice to move her to assisted living and then now to sell her house so that she will have the necessary funds plus so she won't be strapped by additional costs of taxes and fix-ups... My Mom is in the later-moderate stage of Alz/dementia, and I crossed the country 1-1/2 years ago to be her caregiver. It really was the right time for her to move to assisted living, and we are lucky that it is a very nice facility. She had several peripheral friends that she saw only several times a year in her home town; as her disease progressed they made no extra attempts that might acknowledge they were aware of the additional issues coming up. Mom was always good at covering up; this is part of the disease. As she progressed she would attempt to see her friends less, and they, not being too close, did not see the day to day challenges that I did. When I got a chance to speak to them alone I tried to explain things the best I could but I always felt they did not want to listen or understand- maybe doing so forced them to think of their own aging, I don't know. Or maybe I was seen as talking behind her back about her rather than trying to relay to them that Mom has a worsening disease that affects her brain and behavior and all of her abilities.
I'm aware that I don't need validation and that my siblings and I are making the right difficult choices, yet on the seldom times I've made attempts to join Mom's friends' gatherings to inform them how Mom's doing I'm met with a silence that I can only interpret as judgement, that perhaps they think Mom should have stayed in her house longer or that we sold her house too fast. Would it kill any one of them to acknowledge the heartache and hard work that caregiving entails? And why do I care? My Mom's choice of friends are so different than my own, and I guess I just need to be grateful that I choose support from those that understand this disease and the many layers of pain it can cause. Sometimes I wish the world just understood it better, rather than ran from it in fear. Someday...

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6448
   Posted 3/13/2012 2:19 PM (GMT -6)   

I totally understand. My Mom withdrew from her friends as well when the signs of dementia increased. My Dad helped hide it as well, and even though I stopped by constantly, and told everyone what was happening, people didn't want to believe it. Even siblings at one point -- it wasn't until they actually spent a day with her that they realized how bad it was getting.

You have done the right thing by moving her to a facility where she is safe and cared for. As I told another friend who is dealing with the same thing, you just do the best you can for the safety of your parents. I believe that your Mom's friends are probably feeling a little afraid that dementia/Alzheimer's could happen to them as well and that probably is the reasoning behind their silence. And, many people don't understand health issues until they have to face them. I don't know either, but sometimes you just need a good vent! sad

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Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 4/19/2012 3:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Have you considered in home care? You can call the state and get in home care. If you got to move her, you got to. And you know the best thing about being judged - if people are judging they will be judged by the Lord. So they are just messing up their own life. Dont let it get to you.
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 241
   Posted 7/7/2012 11:59 PM (GMT -6)   
My mother went through the same also. I lived out of state and she always sounded fine. She was taking care of my grandmother. When my grandmother passed, my mother started rapidly declining. I had to fly home, sell her home and put her in assisted living. I wish that I would have known then, what I know now. To shorten it up a bit, and you are more than welcome to contact me, I'm not so sure that I made the right choices. The assisted living facility was wonderful. What I did not know, was that moving her from her environment was going to take a toll. I had to go and get her from assisted living because she gave up. She really didn't want to do anything. She had tried to feed her cat and visiting angels came to check on her and the cat had passed. I brought her home with me and after three days knew that I could not take care of her. She was 72. She went into a nursing home where I saw her every day. At first she was coherent. Then she went down fast. From the time time that I moved her into assisted living and the time that she passed was 12 months. I just wish that I would have known more so that I could have loved her longer. You have my heartfelt thoughts!
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