Angry that my life is not mine.

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makinguscrazie
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/12/2012 4:30 PM (GMT -6)   
My mother in law moved in with us 10 years ago. I have been married about 12 years so most of my marriage she has lived with us. She originally moved in due to physical health issues. Without going into all of her medical history she has had 2 small strokes and now is suffering with dementia. My mother died 11 years ago so when she needed to move in with us there was no question. I was lucky that she had been a nanny and I could go back to work. I lost my Dad to Alzheimer's last year. Although he was in a dementia unit I was his only caretaker and he died very quickly when I had him placed. His downward spiral was so rapid even Hospice said they had not seen anything like his symptoms. ANYHOW...My mother in laws personality has changed so badly since the strokes that I don't trust her to be alone by herself or with my children. She has nothing except one life insurance policy and one on my husband. When we saw the changes we contacted social services and we were instructed to pre-pay for her funeral. It barely does that. Then we were told to transfer it to my husband which we did. She has been hospitalized so many times between falling, stomach issues, breaking bones etc. I came into my marriage with two kids and had two with this husband. My mother in law HATES one of my kids and he is 14. She told him his father left him because everyone hates him. I have to work and when I come home she has done nothing now but sleep and cause chaos. Unlike my father who could afford to have the best treatment she will end up on medicaid eventually. Her GP said it is unsafe for her to be alone and needs to be in a full care facility. We had her evaluated and the county nurse and social worker agree she needs to be placed. However we transferred this policy (which we were instructed to do by a different count where we used to live) and now she won't be eligible for another couple of months. She won't eat (when I am not here). I can barely look at her for the things she says to my kids now and I keep telling myself it is dementia. I work all day and come home to her laying here doing NOTHING and it drives me insane. She refuses to go to adult day care, refuses to sit with us and talk to anyone except my dogs. If anyone that does not live here comes in she retreats to her bedroom or outside. She will leave her diapers laying around her room until the dogs rip them up. She tells me she has nothing to live for because she hurts and it infuriates me. My parents would have LOVED to live, loved their grandchildren. I had the warmest wonderful mother. My mother in law has never been that way with either my husband or kids. I have tried, I have given, I just can't take anymore. My husband is done and the kids tell me when she dies they are not going to her funeral. I am exhausted and feel like I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I have never even had one day alone in my home in 10 years. I have four boys 2 with chronic medical conditions and I have fibromyalgia and CFD. I know there are other caregivers out there that must feel like I do. Thank you for listening <3

Red_34
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 10/12/2012 9:53 PM (GMT -6)   
I know that coming here to Healingwell feels good yes? To have an outlet to your frustrations? But rest assured, I COMPLETELY understand. It is NOT easy to care for someone with dementia. It takes a lot of patience that is for sure.

But when someone has dementia, they are literally changed. Their whole personality is not the same. What you knew and what they are NOW can be confusing - it's also confusing for them. If a person is "evil" before dementia, dementia seems to magnify that persona. But if a person is gentle before, than they can be gentle after. Really tho it's so very individualistic depending on the person.

Do not compare one "mother" or "father" to the next - it's like saying that all the colors of blue should be cobalt. Each person is there is own person and not one person has the same personality. So, please do not compare your MIL to your parents - that is not fair to your MIL. Sad as it is to say, it is what it is.

Let me tell you my story with my grand mother: My gpa died and my Gma moved in with me, my husband and my two children. She was all there mentally but after a few months of living with us, we found out that she had bladder cancer. After surgery, chemo and radiation her mental status declined greatly. She HATED my daughter - who was only 9 at the time - and it made my daughter feel horrible (which unfortunately resulted in therapy later). But my gma LOVED my son, he could do no wrong. I also could do no wrong but she had an issue with my husband - who btw is a great, wonderful and caring man but she had it already in her mind who she loved and who she didn't.

I also was dealing with some hefty health issues (see my signature) and I found it very hard to deal with her, her health issues and the conflict of everything it entailed. I only continued on because I loved her, she was the only family I had left on my mother's side of the family. But when she started opening doors at night, I knew that I just could not care for her anymore and with a heavy heart I had to put her an assisted living center. She passed away about 2 years after placing her.

I know you are at the end of your rope. But perhaps you can afford to find at home care for her, while you are gone or whatnot until whatever it is that you are waiting for to become effective?

But please do not take it out on her - she is not who she normally is. Doing NOTHING is part of the whole disease. Please look up dementia or Alzheimer's to educate yourself a bit more on what the symptoms are. Most times it's not because the person is lazy or anti-social - it's part of the disease unfortunately.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

Post Edited (Red_34) : 10/12/2012 9:56:12 PM (GMT-6)


SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 10/13/2012 4:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Gentle huggsss. I have far more health issues than you and your kids put together. I managed to take care of GMA til it was too late. I am glad you have been taking care of your mother -in - law. I also used to work in the nursing home - most frequeently the Alz unit. Do you fully understand what happens to people with Alz or dementia? They slowly lose their mind. They don't know to pick up spoiled diapers. It gets to the point where they forget how to walk, talk.
On my Gma's good days she did exactly what you are going through, doesn't want to live with a dime. How would you feel you knew you were forgetting a lot but couldn't understand? I would on those days make it light and say "don't worry grandma it's just your forgetters working overtime. It happens to all of us."
You need a break, because your at the end of the ropes. Perhaps set a schedule with your husband to rotate days who takes care of her. Can you enlist other family to help you out? Like brothers or sisters? Friends? Don't tell her its an adult day care. Ask her if she wants to come with you. take her to the day care and just go for a visit with her. Let her make friends, like you would as a child.
If it works out, you can take her there

Btw, they don't have full sound of mind. You need to get power of attorney to make medical decisions as she gets worse if you haven't already.
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

makinguscrazie
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/13/2012 5:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for listening and yes I understand my own father died last OCTOBER of Alzheimers and I was his only caregiver until I was left no choice but to place him. I have seen every family member of mine die with some form of dementia including every grandparent, parents, aunt, uncle so I am more informed then most Doctors.I have seen what this does from beginning to end I guess I was just looking for support and am not so sure I have found it here,based on these responses.I saw what a bad facility was like and that is opening up pandoras box for me which I am not ready to discuss.I also have seen the polar opposite and know that there are people that love the residents and care for them fortunately I found that environment for my father. I also know that my father was a 250lb retired colonel,2 time vietnam soldier and mean as uncontrollable to the point we had to choose to medically sedate him for his own welfare and the others that were taking care of him.Yes I know what went on and I spent every minute with him.I also was holding his hand after he took his last breath My mother in law does not have Alzheimers and you have to understand when she was hospitalized every nurse raved about how nice she is and how with it she was. It is like she chooses when to be nasty so I am unsure that she truly has dementia. My husband is a only child from a single mother, so there is nobody else but us.We moved after my father passed away to a area I am completely new to. I did not tell her it is a adult daycare I told her it was to make new friends since we moved. BTW I have two kids out of four with severe health issues as well as about every diagnosis that these forums hold and have never disclosed my own health issues. I guess I just needed someone to hear me. With my kids I truly feel it is the most important thing to protect them even if that person is family. It isn't a huge mystery we are waiting for medicaid to kick in and based on two small life insurance policies we have to wait. We are like most middle class americans right now strapped and have one in college as well as three at home. I know the importance of family believe me to have all of my family gone except one sister that lives in another state.

SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 10/14/2012 4:48 AM (GMT -6)   
We are here for you hon. You can talk it out all you want. The best thing is after awhile you will notice we all are like family.

Do you have any friends that can help?
You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of her. Can you and your husband rotate days on who takes care of her?

I know how hard that was for you with your father. I used to work in the nursing home. If I knew about the time to come in one of my patients, I'd be there. I even came in on my days off so they knew, especially the ones with no visiting family, they had people that cared. You know it is a true hard thing to do, is to be there. I found it extremely hard, but I did it as I have a "heart of gold" as one of the patients would say.

I, too, have fibromyalgia. There is a group on this site for that too here. I know the daily pain you go through, physically and emotionally. Can I ask where you are located? If you are near me, I will be glad to go over and give you a few hours of a break.

I took care of my Grandmother (Gma) 24/7 with dementia. She had her rare good days, but mostly bad. When she would hallucinate it was extremely sad. Perhaps that is why I took some comfort in when she passed, just earlier this year. She would think we were a meat factory - of children. With body parts here or there. It was awful. Once in awhile, on a good day, she'd half realize something was wrong and couldn't figure it out. She'd wonder what is wrong with her and why she can't remember. I'd just make light of it by saying "Its ok grandma. Its just your forgetters working overtime." She'd always laugh then say "Really?" I would say "Yes grandma, it happens to all of us, even me." She'd then say "I wonder why" I'd say "sometimes it just happens to the best of us. It can be from many things, not sleeping good, medications, headaches, needing a nap, so many things." She would be happy with that.

It sounds like she is in the beginning stages, but I am not a doctor. You can put her in obversation and have her watched for a few days, but that is really it.

Have you called senior services saying you need respite? They have a program where you are the one needing the care. They will give you X ammount of hours off a month and you can use them when you need to.
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

Question Everything
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 444
   Posted 10/15/2012 7:13 AM (GMT -6)   
makinguscrazie,
Please inform your 14 year old as hard as it is for him. I went through a similar situation with my grandmother. Hang in there. Life's lessons are not always fair. This is a hard one to swallow. keep your cool. These events will pass. Time will change your attitude. Best of luck to you.

MT Lady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 969
   Posted 10/15/2012 10:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear Makinguscrazie,
I can SO relate and I do feel your pain, and I am very concerned about you and the enormous stress you are under. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 9 years ago and by the way, Alz is just a form of dementia. She became horribly depressed, which I learned is very common in dementia patients. Maybe that is why your MIL retreats and is so mean to your son? Depression and anxiety can cause people to lash out. I am not trying to excuse her behavior, just trying to help you. As you said, you tell yourself it's not her fault, she has dementia. I use to say the same thing, over and over and over again and yet, after a year of mom living here, I had to move her out, I became so very sick from what I went through emotionally watching her decline. Also my husband wasn't on board with her living here and I felt as if I was being torn.
I know how some people feel about skilled care facilities and how bad some can be but there is so much information out there, you can make a knowledgeable choice and the best thing you can do is make yourself known there. I realize you work and have children to care for, but once she is placed, maybe your husband can get over there, even if only for 15 to 30 minutes. If the staff know family is involved, believe me, your family member will be taken care of. My mom has been in assisted living now for 3-1/2 years and between my sisters (2) and myself, someone is there every single day. What has kept her in assisted living and not in skilled care is that we are there. We put her clean clothes out for the next day. We put her nightgown on her bed. We make sure the staff has everything they need to help care for mom. My mom can undress and dress herself, but there is no way she could find her clothes, even though she has a small bedroom with a full bath, she simply doesn't know where her clothes are.
In any case, just wanted you to know that yes, there are others like you out here that do understand.
Miriam
Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, scoliosis, DDD L1/L2, L3/L4, L5/S1, sciatica, severe spinal stenosis L5/S1, severe facet joint pain syndrome, hypothyroidism.

makinguscrazie
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/20/2012 8:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks everyone. My life is nuts to say the least. In the last week I fell 13 feet off of a ladder (great for fibro) and actually knocked a kidney stone (which I didn't know I had and never had any experience with) into my eureter. I honestly thought I was going to die with that pain All the Dr's said they had never seen anything like it. I came home with suck a massive amount of pain killers that actually shocked to Dr's, waited for the kidney stone to pass and listened to her tell me she was dying from another stroke. An hour later she told me I was stupid and stomped to her room. I finally passed the stone between working, taking care of her, seeing the urologist, the orthopedist, the ER, and the kids. Then the fibro kicked in with the rain and then one of my dogs got critically ill because she fed her people food. $500 later she got nasty because I tried to talk to her about it. The dog had a accident in the house and she tried to clean it up and managed to mop it into a heating vent. Oh and did I manage to mention she is a SAINT BERNARD. If I could run away some days I would but with the planters fastiaitis even she could catch me. Even with the stroke she told me she was having each day of the week. Then the fibromyalgia then kicked in with the hormones of a 14 year old boy who told me he can't wait to move out when he is 16 because one of his friends told him that is the age that he can be emancipated. ARGHHHHHHH
I wish I did have friends but honestly we moved because everything that I was around reminded me of my father and when I was able to get my inheritance I spent it all on a home and left my business in a town that I knew nobody. I wanted my boys to experience small town living but have found it hard to meet a lot of people other then the women I work with an hour away. Thanks for listening yet again just been a hard week but I am sure that those of you care taking understand.

SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 10/22/2012 11:32 PM (GMT -6)   
GRINS... Crazie, I fell down the flight of stairs (great for fibro)

There is a form that has "Mini strokes" in dementia. Sherry can you help me on that?


Crazie, take break! You need one.
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

Red_34
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 10/23/2012 7:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Omgoodness! You poor dear! You are just having a rough go all around aren't you?? Are you feeling any better now?

Smurfy, it's called Vascular dementia.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 10/23/2012 7:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Sherry! I had forgotten the name of it, but that is the one my Gma had before she passed.
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

Betsey Ross
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 1056
   Posted 1/14/2013 1:19 PM (GMT -6)   
You certainly have a full plate. You can have the Office of Aging social services come to the house and evaluate her for services....caregiving, transportation to doctors etc.

If that doesnt work then place her in a alzheimers unit in facility ASAP. She is on medicare right?

County nursing homes take medicare at least in PA they do and when she qualifies for medicaid then the home will take that for payment.
Betsey
Age to a woman is like krypronite to Superman.
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