Help-advice for conversation w/Mom on moving to ALF

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TLMinTexas
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2012
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/18/2012 5:01 PM (GMT -6)   
I have not slept good in at least a week. My mom has Alzheimer's, has for years. Now the time has come where I know I have to move her. The battle continues in my head day in and day out. Not over the decision itself, I know this is what I have to do, but over the conversation with my Mom about it.

I have done all the research. I found the facility. Known for being one one of the best in the country, and certainly in my area (Dallas/Fort Worth). The care she would receive there is so far above and beyond anywhere else. It isn't fancy. It may not have the luxurious feel of some of the places I've seen that make you feel like your entering a 5 star resort. But at the end of the day, its about the people, and the care she will receive, and I believe this is our place.

My mom doesn't think she has any memory issues, or none that she will admit to. So Alzheimer's is the elephant in the room no one talks about. She's lost tons of weight, she doesn't take her meds (or believe she needs to), she loses track of place and time in conversation, not to mention not making much sense much of the time. Home health care has bought us some time, but I believe moving her into a community now, when she is still conversive and able to make friends will be the best.

I have had advice all over the map on "the conversation". From, "just say you're going on a trip to X and wind up there where she has no choice" to "tell her the dr wants her to stay a while at this center to get checked out". I lean towards the honest approach. She is still my mother, and she deserves the respect of me sharing with her my concerns and that I believe fully in my heart that this will be the best thing for her and she will be happy there.

I'm not sure if I want her to be part of the process, as far as "showing her" the facility first. Because I'm afraid of the chance she will hate it and rebel. Plus, I've toured a ton, and already feel in my heart this place has the best care. But I would like to hear examples from any of you that have been through this, and maybe help me reach a conclusion on my approach. Help!

Red_34
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 12/19/2012 7:53 AM (GMT -6)   
Oh boy...do I ever know what you're going thru! My Gma was living with us for about 4 years when I had to make that decision. I had such a hard time bringing it up to her. But she knew something wasn't right with her mind. I have a lot of health issues so I pretty much told her along the lines of "Gma, you know I love you. I love you very much but I think it's time for you to go into an assisted living center. You can be around people you're own age, socialize and make friends" she was lonely because she moved in with us after living in a different state and she had no friends. And "I am having a really hard time with my health at the moment and I can't be there for you like you need me to be. I will come every day to sit with you and visit (which I did)"

I already picked it out, toured the place before I brought it up to her. I took her there to check it out but I didn't give her an option to say no. I told her that this is her new home.

It's a hard decision to make and even harder to bring up the topic. But I wish you and her the best.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC '92 - meds: Colazal, Remicade (6mp discontinued due to neuropathy)*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, IBS, Diverticuliar Disease, Fibro, Sacroiilitis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

TLMinTexas
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2012
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/26/2012 11:46 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for the advice. I plan on having the conversation with her today when I get off of work. I have a very heavy heart. I keep praying for the words to use. I want to be as honest and as positive as possible. I just hope I don't break down in tears.

Red_34
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 12/27/2012 8:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Have you talked to your mother yet? If so, how did it go?
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC '92 - meds: Colazal, Remicade (6mp discontinued due to neuropathy)*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, IBS, Diverticuliar Disease, Fibro, Sacroiilitis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6447
   Posted 12/28/2012 12:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, I can feel your pain. It's really tough and after my Dad passed away last year we knew that my Mom could not be by herself. We took the chance and moved her closer to my sisters and brother, because they could provide more support than I could. She was hardly eating even though we had 24 hour live in care, and she was down to 84 lbs because of dysphagia, a problem with swallowing. We went through some tough times after the move because she missed my Dad, moved to an unfamiliar place, etc.

I can tell you that even though she has Dementia, there were some "growing" pains. The place we moved her has about 40 people in it, so it's smaller which is perfect for her. It took her a few months to feel comfortable, and now she loves where she lives and is really happy.

My sisters and brother, nieces and nephews keep her very busy and I'm happy to report that she now weighs 110 lbs! I believe that the consistent watch over her, and making sure she eats etc. is the key to her happiness and weight gain. Her memory hasn't gotten any better, but heck, she's happy and not lonely at all. Take care and hope that the conversation went well. It's not easy...especially when you feel like you've become more of the parent.

TLMinTexas
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2012
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/28/2012 2:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for your kind words of support Lonie.
Red, I did talk to my mother. I can't even guess how many hours and days and weeks I have been consumed with this conversation. I sought advice everywhere I could think of, and ultimately, I went with my heart. I felt strongly that I wanted to be honest, at least not lie about it. It was very emotional for her, but she didn't get mad or shut down or argue with me, which was great. There were glimpses of the conversation which showed me some real positive signs. For that I am very thankful.

Tomorrow will be phase two. I explained everything except that the plan is set, and we are moving next week. It is one thing for her not to dispute the need to move, but I'm now worried of how she will react to the time frame. It will be very hard, I know. especially going from her big, grand home to a little room. But I hope and pray in time (hopefully not too much) she will adjust and be happy.

Love really hurts.
But I guess its worth it, right?

Red_34
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 12/28/2012 3:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, it is a very hard time for everyone involved. I wish you and her the best. You did the right thing by being honest with her.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma, Alzheimer's, IBS, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC '92 - meds: Colazal, Remicade (6mp discontinued due to neuropathy)*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, IBS, Diverticuliar Disease, Fibro, Sacroiilitis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6447
   Posted 12/28/2012 3:20 PM (GMT -6)   
You'll be amazed how much easier it will be for your Mom going from the big house to a room -- I think my Mom was more confused in her house because she knew things needed to be done, she just didn't know what and where to begin.Plus she grieved for my father who took care of everything for her. Initially everything will be tough, I'm not going to say it isn't. My Mom called my sisters in the middle of the night and all day. She was scared, and the dementia didn't help. The staff was great and my sisters and brother were amazing. They were there at her beck and call. It took about 3 months until everything settled down and she was feeling like she knew where she was. I think moving quickly is a good idea. I'll be thinking about you. And good for you being honest. You are looking out for her best interest and keeping her happy, healthy, and safe. Hugs.

SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 1/8/2013 8:02 PM (GMT -6)   
I took care of my GMA with dementia, I do sympathize. I found a couple of programs at home because of how sightful and smart Sherry is. She aimed and I followed hehe. As Sherry once told me, perhaps talking to DHS in your area. There are programs you may qualify for. I qualified for at home nursing 30 hours a month. Each place is different, but that was 30 hours I had to myself. I also found a nurse (at my doctor's office) and paid him with my own money for 6 hours a month at $15/hr. I also had my mother whom gave me 5 hours a week for free. My church gave us transportation and a companion when I had to go shopping or to my own doctor appointments or chemotherapy infusions. I refused to put GMA in a home til it was absolutely necessary, as I used to work in one and saw behind the scenes shall we say. I would of probably lost my mind if it wasn't for this forum and all the people here. I didn't have help at first, like I said Sherry aimed me to the right location and I only followed.

If a facility is needed, when you are checking them out please do not make appointments, just show up to catch them at their worse. Talk to the residents, see if they like it there.
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma, Alzheimer's

"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Many Allergies / Many RXs & DXs
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~
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