Mom hates the nursing home

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1775
   Posted 8/21/2013 1:48 PM (GMT -7)   

It's really admirable to hear of family members getting together and committing to caring for elderly parents, especially when the dynamic of alzheimer's is in the equation.

I unfortunately am just not in a position to care for my own Mother. I'm still raising 2 (almost) adult children, and I work long hours with a long commute. If I was retired, and empty nesting, than I would seriously consider it.

My Mom has somewhat started to adapt to the nursing home setting. I'm still not too happy with the whole thing of course, but right now, I really don't have any alternatives that are viable.

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 478
   Posted 8/21/2013 2:07 PM (GMT -7)   
No one will fault you for trying your best. My sister does not work and her kids are grown and are working. She spends her time doing missionary work and vacationing on the side with her husband who works long hours. Charities begin from home. I don't think she quite understand that concept yet.

There are 2 kinds of people. Those who wants but can't and those who can but don't want to. You, lovely woman is the 1st kind.

Linda in Florida
New Member

Date Joined Apr 2015
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/15/2015 6:56 AM (GMT -7)   
My mom, age 85, also has dementia which has gotten worse in the last 2 years. We kept her in her home as long as we could. My brother would do the grocery shopping and I would fill her automatic locking pill box every week with her 18 medications. My brother and I would each take a weekend day to visit her and attend to her needs. I had a friend who is a CNA go there on Tuesday's and Thursday's to prepare meals, clean and take her to doctor's appointments. When we discovered that mom wasn't keeping up with her meds even with the pill box, I found a retired nurse neighbor who would come in 2x/day to make sure she took her meds. But we discovered that during the times no one was there, mom was spending a lot of time in bed, wasn't eating properly or drinking enough fluids. At that time, we decided that she could no longer live alone. Mom doesn't have enough money to afford full time or 24 hour care at home and my brother and I both work full time so taking care of her at our homes was not an option due to our busy schedules. For just 40 hour a week care at home it was over $2000. I did a lot of searching for a place for mom to live where she would be safe and cared for 24/7. I looked at some assisted living facilities, nursing homes and private care homes. I ended up selecting a private care home because she could live in a home-like setting and it was more affordable than larger places. She also gets more attention because there are only 5 residents. The cost is $2500/month. Not cheap but doable. The administrator told us not to have contact with her for at least a week so she could settle in. When I finally did go to visit her, all she did was cry and say she wanted to go home, she doesn't need to be there, what are you doing to me, you're just going to leave me here, you're locking me up. It was heartbreaking. I am ridden with guilt even though I know it is for the best. I try to call every morning and plan to visit several times a week but if she cries every time I visit, it is going to be hard to take. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. Any place we put her, even our home, would not make her happy. So, we shall see as time goes on. Very sad and my heart goes out to everyone else who is dealing with this terrible disease called dementia.

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Date Joined Aug 2014
Total Posts : 1022
   Posted 4/15/2015 10:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello...I just want to offer my support.  It doesn't get any easier, but your loved one will adapt.  I've lived this with my mom for 10 years (come June).  I am the youngest of 6, but have always been the annointed one.  I've had to make the hard decisions and the follow-through.  I hold her POA, so I am legally bound to oversee her wellness and healthcare.  I do this ALONE with the love and support of my husband.  It's taken 20 years off my life. shakehead
When our parents can no longer live alone without risking their lives, we must make hard choices.  I am of the belief that I should not sacrifice the harmony in my home.  She fell in 2003, breaking her shoulder.  I arranged for HH to come in.  She verbally abused and threatened them. My mom has always been abusive, both physically and emotionally.  Ours was not a happy home.  So when she fell again in 2005, breaking her hip, there was NO WAY we were going to repeat the HH debacle. 
Her surgeon told us he would only agree to the THR if she went to nursing facility.  I agreed to make it happen.  My siblings wanted her to go home and let me deal with her.  NO.  She went first into a wonderful new rehab facility where she learned to walk again.  She then transitioned into a permanent resident.  Oh, words can't express the battles and tears, sleepless nights.  I did the right thing...No, she wasn't happy...but she was never happy anyway.
She had IMO a wonderful opportunity in a shiny new facility.  The staff loved her wicked humor and salty stories.  It kept them entertained, though often to the detriment of fellow residents.  I was called at least weekly (principal's office) for her bullying school yard behavior.  She was sent twice to psych eval...but managed to dupe them, too.  She and my siblings' refusal to help made my life a living HELL.
She remained well and walking until 2-3 years ago.  We'd take her out on weekends to visit in our home.  She began to have mini-strokes and lose her mental faculties around 2012.  Her balance declined so she needed full time wheelchair.  She has good days and bad days now @ 88.  She looks for her baby girl "Dixie" constantly, but rarely knows it's ME.
I will take cake for her 89th birthday on May 1st for all of the residents to celebrate in the dining hall.  I bake a huge birthday cake monthly to take down for residents' group birthday celebration. Last year she threw a raging FIT and refused to attend her own party.  I lost it...a lifetime of IT.  I pulled myself together because I had 35 other folks who DID want to party=)  I left her in her room to pout.
I live this life with her, so as not to spend the remainder of my life in REGRET.  I want to KNOW in my heart that I did what was best for her.  That's all any of us can do.
((Big Ole Bear Hugs))
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